I'd Literally Hit That: Gabe

Hello, chidren, and welcome again to another installment of I’d Literally Hit That. “But teacherman” you say through a mouthful of Lemonheads and Evan Williams, “it’s been a while sense you were around these parts. We…phew boy, this is awkward…erm, we thought you were dead. We had a funeral and everything. It was like a zombie orgy – nobody came.” Well, I’m not dead bitches. Excuse me, I mean I’m not dead, bitches (see, commas are important, my students). I may be a bit run down from some long hours at work, and I may or may not have lost a hand to Skeledog while he was in his death throes, but I, myself, am not dead. I am, like the brothers of River Phoenix and Dan Gordon-Levitt, very much alive.

Mr. Adventureman Alters July 22nd, 2005's Garfield

FUN FACT: When people are possessed, they speak in Bremen Bd BT. Neat!
I am 99% sure that I have been going way overboard with occult type stuff, so next time expect something else.

I'd Literally Hit That: Vincent Kartheiser

So, when Gatsby mentions “wedding his dream” to Daisy’s “perishable breath,” what we are really talking about here is a risk/reward scenario. I mean, sure, he could climb that “ladder to the stars,” but he would have to do it alone, and what is life worth without human connection? I mean, look kids, it’s like mystery dump. You have to— Oh hi, there. Come right on in. You’ll have to excuse me, I was just finishing up a lesson. Um, that’s good for today class. 500 words on Team Mystery Butt by tomorrow. Cite your sources please and SHOW, DON’T TELL!!!

Ahhhh, so I see you come back for another installment of I’d Literally Hit That. Been a while, no? Perhaps you’ve been feenin out a bit? Perhaps you’ve made some life choices you are not proud of since we last met? Perhaps you've done some morning interviews you regret and said some ridiculous things on live television about how you are a Vatican assassin imbued with tiger blood? Hmmmmmm? Well, don’t worry. I got your fix.

I'd Literally Hit That: Your Brother

So, as you may be aware, our very own This Is My Nightmare took over the reigns of Our Fair Videogum on Monday. And guess what? It was awesome! I mean she totally posted videos and used words to make lols and everything. Incredible. And guess what else?


WOWEEWOWOWOW! 120 comments is so many comments. “That’s a lot of comments….er…ding dong?” – Gabe (yore-2012). Clearly people like-a the “I’d Totally Hit That.” I mean, what’s not to like? Jokes? Good. Pictures? Good. Graphic descriptions of how Nightmare would like to [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Ryan Gosling with a [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] James Franco [REDACTED] [REDACTED] mystery butt? Great.

So, seeing as one good “I’d Hit That” deserves another, here’s my latest installment of “I’d Hit That” literal-style! My posts are similar to Nightmare’s but instead of “hit” being a euphemism for “OHMYGODWHATISTHATIDON’TEV[REDACTED]MYEYEEEEES,” I use the term literally to mean “punch.” Get it? Sure you do. Who am I hitting this week? Your brother.

I'd Literally Hit That: Chloe Sevigny

Hello all you circus animals, it's time again for everyone's favorite post:

So, as you might already know, Monster contributor This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she describes in horrific detail the myriad ways in which she would like to Hall Pass Louis Anderson while The Narrator is at the library. My posts are similar in nature, but instead of "hit" being a euphemism for "debauch," I am using the word literally to mean "punch." So, who am I likely to hit this week? This thing: