I'd Literally Hit That: Gabe

Hello, chidren, and welcome again to another installment of I’d Literally Hit That. “But teacherman” you say through a mouthful of Lemonheads and Evan Williams, “it’s been a while sense you were around these parts. We…phew boy, this is awkward…erm, we thought you were dead. We had a funeral and everything. It was like a zombie orgy – nobody came.” Well, I’m not dead bitches. Excuse me, I mean I’m not dead, bitches (see, commas are important, my students). I may be a bit run down from some long hours at work, and I may or may not have lost a hand to Skeledog while he was in his death throes, but I, myself, am not dead. I am, like the brothers of River Phoenix and Dan Gordon-Levitt, very much alive.

The Problem With Door Hats

So, Baby Friday and I recently went to go see The Adjustment Bureau and guess what? IT WAS PRETTY GOOD! LIKE, IT WASN’T THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, OR EVEN THE BEST MOVIE I’VE SEEN IN THE PAST MONTH (TRUE GRIT) BUT IT WAS A TOTALLY SERVICEABLE WAY TO SPEND A COUPLE OF HOURS!!! You guys should go see it. Or don’t. Who do I look like, your dad?

I'd Literally Hit That: Vincent Kartheiser

So, when Gatsby mentions “wedding his dream” to Daisy’s “perishable breath,” what we are really talking about here is a risk/reward scenario. I mean, sure, he could climb that “ladder to the stars,” but he would have to do it alone, and what is life worth without human connection? I mean, look kids, it’s like mystery dump. You have to— Oh hi, there. Come right on in. You’ll have to excuse me, I was just finishing up a lesson. Um, that’s good for today class. 500 words on Team Mystery Butt by tomorrow. Cite your sources please and SHOW, DON’T TELL!!!

Ahhhh, so I see you come back for another installment of I’d Literally Hit That. Been a while, no? Perhaps you’ve been feenin out a bit? Perhaps you’ve made some life choices you are not proud of since we last met? Perhaps you've done some morning interviews you regret and said some ridiculous things on live television about how you are a Vatican assassin imbued with tiger blood? Hmmmmmm? Well, don’t worry. I got your fix.

I'd Literally Hit That: Your Brother

So, as you may be aware, our very own This Is My Nightmare took over the reigns of Our Fair Videogum on Monday. And guess what? It was awesome! I mean she totally posted videos and used words to make lols and everything. Incredible. And guess what else?


WOWEEWOWOWOW! 120 comments is so many comments. “That’s a lot of comments….er…ding dong?” – Gabe (yore-2012). Clearly people like-a the “I’d Totally Hit That.” I mean, what’s not to like? Jokes? Good. Pictures? Good. Graphic descriptions of how Nightmare would like to [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Ryan Gosling with a [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] James Franco [REDACTED] [REDACTED] mystery butt? Great.

So, seeing as one good “I’d Hit That” deserves another, here’s my latest installment of “I’d Hit That” literal-style! My posts are similar to Nightmare’s but instead of “hit” being a euphemism for “OHMYGODWHATISTHATIDON’TEV[REDACTED]MYEYEEEEES,” I use the term literally to mean “punch.” Get it? Sure you do. Who am I hitting this week? Your brother.

MTT: The Super Exlusive Dead Friends Club

Here we are again. Time for ol' Papes to set you readers straight. This one is a sad one so grab a Kleenex if you are so inclined.

I like movies. I like movies a whole lot. I can't tell you the last name of 50% of my ex-girlfriends but I could rattle off to you the entire dialogue of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie. Some people's brains work differently. Don't judge me. However, there is one type of movie that always sticks in my craw...biopics. Being a time traveler, it is very frustrating to see events that you've witnessed with your own two eyes being completely falsified for the big screen. Books I can deal with, who reads books anyways? Wikipedia? Please. I don't even mind students being taught incorrect history for generations and generations, but movies? Movies should be held to a higher standard. Movies should get it right.

Cause in point:

I'd Literally Hit That: Chloe Sevigny

Hello all you circus animals, it's time again for everyone's favorite post:

So, as you might already know, Monster contributor This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she describes in horrific detail the myriad ways in which she would like to Hall Pass Louis Anderson while The Narrator is at the library. My posts are similar in nature, but instead of "hit" being a euphemism for "debauch," I am using the word literally to mean "punch." So, who am I likely to hit this week? This thing: