#fakesourcecodequotes

The Source Codes are coming from inside the train - Ian
You can't handle the Source Code. - Huckabeast
Love means never having to say you're Source Code. - Top Knot
I'll Source Code what she's Source Coding. - Top Knot
That's no moon. It's a Source Code! - Huckabeast
A million lines of source code isn't cool. You know what's cool? A billion lines of source code - KelBurrows
There's no crying in Source Code ball! - Top Knot
Play it again, Source Code. - Top Knot
You Source Coded me at 'hello.' - Huckabeast
Must Source Code faster. - EmilyLance
I love the smell of Source Code in the morning! - DavidBrender
We're gonna need a bigger Source Code. - Huckabeast
Soylent Green is Source Code! - Top Knot

I'd Quit That: My Job

Gang - what a week we had this week! Libya! RIP Elizabeth Taylor! BLAISE!!! I, for one, am completely and emotionally spent. And guess what else happened this week. GUESS! Nope. Seriously, that's your guess? That is a terrible guess! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!! The correct answer is: I quit my job.

So, as you are all aware our friend This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she emotionally scars her husband by living out her celebrity sex-fantasies on a pop-culture spin-off blog. Additionally, the consistently hilarious Videogum commenter Teacherman has a pop-culture spin-off blog spin-off column called "I'd Literally Hit That" in which he reveals a potentially horrifying blood-lust-y side of his personality which yearns to inflict physical harm on complete strangers. (I'm worried about Baby Friday, you guys.) We've also seen MOBFD posts on: I'd Spit That, I'd Knit That, and I'd Sit That (Chairs! We get it, FLW). This post is in the spirit of all of the above. I hope to not need to write another one for at least a couple of years.

#tweenrap

I've got 99 Pokemon but Onix ain't one.  - Fozzy

Purple Stuff and Juice  - Teacherman

Baby Got Backpack  - Lawblog

Move Mom! Get out my room! Get out my room, Mom! Get out my room!  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

Bikin' down the street, eatin' Twizzlers, sippin' on Mountain Dew / Got my mind on my homework and my homework on my mind - Teacherman

We can sext in the premiere screening of Twilight, cuz you know it got sold out  - Ian

I've got a girlfriend (I've got a giiiiirlfriend) in a different area code. (area) Code. (code)  #BandNerdRap - Lawblog

lick lick lick lick me like a ring pop, what's that  - Ian

Kraft Rules Everything Around Me  - Lawblog

No one Tween should have all that glower.  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

Wakeup Wakeup. It's the first day of class. Get up Get up. - Lawblog

No one teacher should give me all those hours  - Teacherman

No one class should take all that hour.  - BabyFriday

Ride to the Pizza Hut. Ride to the Taco Bell. I need a ride to Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

All of the phones -- iPhones, smart phones, droid phones, in my home, when I roam!  - Teacherman

Who's House? Dad's House.  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

When you get an assignment / And you don't wanna write it / What cha gon do? / Ghost write it  - Teacherman

Today I didn't even have to use my TI-89. Today was a good day. - Fozzy

Gonna keep on tryin' to get a girl to touch it/ My left hand ain't enough to fuck with.  #poorhornyteenboys - BabyFriday

I once held hands in a Burger King dining room.  - Mounty

Spilled something on my sweater already/ Mom's spaghetti - BabyFriday

#moviepitch

This fall, a world famous cellist forms an unlikely partnership with a world famous pop star. Get ready for "Yo Yo Ga Ga." - Huckabeast

80's rock band summoned to ancient Greece, rocking the face that launched 1000 ships. Christina Hendricks IS "Van Halen of Troy" - Huckabeast

Small heroes have big adventures when a thrillseeking bug and her nephews find a legendary map in "Aunt Mantis's Atlantis Atlas" - Huckabeast

Soda mogul finds minor Butthole Surfers hit song makes vegetables grow faster in "Dr. Pepper peppers peppers with 'Pepper.'" - FrankLloydWrong

Steve was a normal guy, until a hunting accident left him with two bear arms on his right side. Support "The Right 2 Bear Arms." - Topknot

A farmer's dog loses his fortune gambling w/ old ladies at church but finds the meaning of friendship in "Bingo's Bingo BINGO!" - TheKelBurrows

A pair of magic dentures brings two senior citizens, who both gave up on love, together. See Betty White in "Teeth for Two." - FrankLloydWrong

An insane Manhattan woman gets more than she bargained for when she poses as prostitute in "The Loco Faux Ho of SoHo." - Huckabeast

Octuplets enter a pie eating contest to raise awareness of racism. Shia LaBeouf in "Eight Ate Hate." - FrankLloydWrong

A documentary on the hardships of having the worlds biggest appitite. Stunning actorial debut of k.d.lang in "Constant Cravings" - DirtySpaceNews

#baseballfacts

Due to red stitching on balls, baseball was briefly outlawed as communist activity by House Un-American Activities Committee. - Fozzy

The balls were painted black to cover this fact and thrown at those who would not testify. - Mans

The only player to ever pitch a no-hitter and hit a grand slam in the same season was J. Edgar Hoover in drag. - Fozzy

In June of 1874 Greyson "Greydog" Smithwick set 14 different records for crotch readjusting in a single at bat. - KelBurrows

Pete Rose was banned from baseball for putting whoopee cushions under opposing team's benches. - Fozzy

Prior to 1911, orphans were used as bases in many baseball diamonds. Now, they are usually only used in farm leagues. - Mans

Despite his name, Johnny Bench worked as a chair for several years after retirement. - Mans

Up until 1912 it was considered unmannerly to not kiss the hand of the umpire before each at bat. - KelBurrows

In the late 80s, George Brett was fined for using a baseball bat stuffed with sausage. - Mans

#badsuperpowers

Able to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. - Fozzy

Faster than a speeding toddler. - Fozzy

Total disregard for personal boundaries. - Fozzy

Able to spit corn tamales on command. - Fozzy

Can perform uncanny impersonation of the Jersey Shore's Vinny. - Fozzy

Supersonic handwriting. - Fozzy

Never disappoints his parents. - HateTheDrake

Able to deliver touching and intimate eulogies at every pet funeral he attends. - Fozzy

Can generally name that tune within seven or eight notes. - KelBurrows

The ability to leap tall buildings in a single but incredibly slow and time consuming bound - GirlPhilosopher

Through the power of telepathy, can accurately order dinner for a date. - Fozzy

Can communicate with eagles. (Eagles think he's kind of a dick, though.) - Fozzy

X-ray farts. - Fozzy

Ability to instantly recognize Martin Lawrence - Ian

#futuresport

Spike Roller Joust 3000 - Fozzy

Thunder Death Ball - Fozzy

Competitive Screeching - Fozzy

Mind Ball - Lawblog

Turbo Piranha Death Pit - Fozzy

Pin the tail on the Anti-Donkey - Lawblog

Ennui Blading - kelburrows

Explode Ball - Fozzy

Competitive Fisting - Lawblog

NASHOVERCAR - Fozzy

Goodminton - Fozzy

Bird Peeling - Lawblog

NFL (National Football Lazer) - Fozzy

Bare-Knuckle Resenting - kelburrows

Now THAT is funny. Poetic Miscellany Edition.

A poem by TheGrandmaBurrows



On Saturday -

my ego dropped to 0 then to

minus 0.



The problem began (still not

ended)

When bolts 9 & 10 failed to

reach through

Protective plate 11 and

rigid bar 12

And grommets 13 & 14 where

They were intended.

This. Forever.

Rap Genius: We Monsters

#happinessisawarmmeme

I read the news today a-NO DOY -- MrAdventureman

Magical Mystery MOAR. -- batteredgnome

Hide yo kids, hide yo day in the life -- thekelburrows

A Day in th LOLfe amirite? -- batteredgnome

She reads the text that is lying there/The fountain water is soaking her hair / She breaks down and cries to her husband 'Daddy, my shame is gone!' -- MrAdventureman

Here Comes the Antoine Dodson -- teacherman

She Loves You're The Man Now Dog -- batteredgnome

PSYCHE Dreamers Do -- kelburrows

Jeremy London't Let Me Down -- teacherman

We All Live In A Double Rainbow -- Ian

Fucking Magical Mystery Tours How Do They Work? -- Ian

Filling a Hole (That's What She Said) -- MrAdventureman

#altcareersforlarrythecableguy

Get 'er identified! -Larry the Label Guy -- thereallawblog


Get 'er mucked! -Larry the Stable Guy -- thereallawblog


Get 'em furred. Larry the Sable Guy -- mr_lloyd_wrong


I can get 'er done - Larry the Able Guy -- thereallawblog


Get 'em storied! -Larry the Fable Guy -- thereallawblog


Git'er in either v-neck or crew! - Larry the Cable-Knit Sweater Guy -- _wwwest


Get 'er planed! -Larry the Table Guy -- thereallawblog


Would you like lox or cream cheese- Larry The Bagel Guy -- muddymudskipper


Get 'em misspelled. - Larry The Kable Guy -- mr_lloyd_wrong


Get er influenced by subversive, perhaps insidious means! - Larry the Cabal Guy -- Huck


Get 'er translated! -Larry the Babel Guy -- thereallawblog


Git 'er short-stacked! -Larry the Maple Guy -- lilikoililikoi


Get 'er Cained! -Larry the Abel Guy -- thereallawblog


Git'er tucked back! - Larry the (Stage name) Mabel Guy -- _wwwest


Get 'er out of that little kid's mouth! -Larry the Play-do Guy -- Huck


Get 'er a radio-friendly single here - Larry the Label Guy -- thekelburrows


Get 'er notes from the director! -Larry the Playbill Guy -- thereallawblog


Git 'er skinned and tanned! - Larry the Sable Guy -- _wwwest

Now THAT is funny. A Shocking Lack of Lolcats Edition.

One of my favorite blogs of all-time was a sports-themed blog (Gents, are you paying attention? I read sports blogs!) written by an anonymous woman from Indianapolis. One of the blogs regular features was one in which she played fantasy football against herself - one team when she was sober and the opposing team when she was drunk. Sober her started Tom Brady. Drunk her started (as she wrote) Joe Flaaaaccccooooo. It was high comedy but sadly the blog just stopped being updated one day. Such is the nature of funny things on the internet, I suppose.

I had intended for this week's column to be the fan fiction piece I have been writing in which Tilda Swinton stars in a cinematic remake of Kenny Roger's 1982 movie about a race car driver that reluctantly adopts a half dozen rambunctous orphans and learns the true meaning of love titled Six Pack but, sadly, it's not ready yet. The story is just so beautiful that I cry and cry every time I work on it and I have shorted out six different laptops as of last Tuesday as result. In lieu of "Bearded Tilda's Bawdy Brood" (this is still a working title, by the way) I'm going to highlight some of my favorite funny things from around the web. Ding dong, obviously I won't waste anyone's time pointing out Videogum, BestWeekEver, The Onion, or the awesomely funny Monster authored things going on in this particular blog. But here are some of my OTHER favorite places around the internet.

Now THAT is funny. Girl-Crushing on Dorothy Parker Edition.

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A melody of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Roumania

-Excerpt from Not So Deep as a Well by Dorothy Parker

Jessica Alba is pretty and will love me forever,

PSYCHE! Hahaha. You fell for that? Moron.

-Excerpt from RACISM IS EVIL by Steve Winwood

Now, I will leave the poem parsing to Teacherman who is much more well equipped for such things than I, but I like to imagine that Dorothy Parker's PSYCHE in this poem is focused on its "love can never go wrong" line rather than the two "glorious cycle of song" lines above. No blindoptimismo. Ok, maybe I'm being a tad blindly optimistic. As an aficionado of whimsy and music lover I think that calling life "a melody extemporanea" is just the most perfect thing.

Now THAT is funny. The Automobile Wrecking Site Edition.

Many years ago, I gave my boyfriend a Valentine's Day card that had this Far Side cartoon on the cover. The message inside was something harmless like "Happy Valentine's Day." He stared at the card blankly when I gave it to him. He didn't get that it was supposed to be funny. To me, this is insanely hilarious. I dated that guy for over three years! I would now like to have a long talk with all of you about what a shit head I can be about my life decisions. I mean, that's a deal breaker, right ladies?

Now THAT is funny. New Year Old Jokes Edition.

When I was in the ninth grade I bought a copy of David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists. At the time, I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever read. I think what enamored me about it the most was that it brought to light the idea that a "joke" could have multiple punch lines that could all work and be funny in their own way. That same year, while pretending to pay attention in class, I took a stab at writing my own "Top Ten Things about Mr. Bernier’s Chemistry Class." I don’t remember what the punch lines were - I think mostly they were in-jokes about Brian burning down the lab and Kimmy asking too many stupid questions. I do remember that the number one item on the list read simply: Schrodinger! ... Why didn’t I have more friends in high school? Wait! Don’t answer that.

I think this notion of one alley to an infinite number of oops is why I love Twitter BNPGs so much. Someone cooks up a basic framework for a joke then we all get to riff on that joke like so many jazz musicians. Not every tweet is a winner (my personal hit rate is likely hanging out at the 20% range) but they are always well intended and when they do work it is a truly beautiful thing. Keep up the good work gang, the creative commons of funny that is brewing amongst us is a wonderfully remarkable thing. And because there’s a dawn of a new year going on these days, I’ll raise my champagne glass and cheers to many #shakespearesitcom, #fakefamilyfeud, and #gabesexytalks to come.

On with the funny links! This week some of my favorite lists from McSweeney‘s:

Now THAT is funny. Boxing Day Edition.

Because I spent two weeks travelling through Europe mostly talking to other Americans about Dave Matthew's Band about 11 years ago, I consider myself to be incredibly more worldly than the average bourgeois American. This worldliness enables me to know that in the non-American English speaking countries of the world (or "the problem" as I like to think of them) today is known as "Boxing Day." According to WikiLeaks Boxing Day has something to do with giving alms and charity, but to me Boxing Day is the day of the year, out of shear exhaustion and fatigue, you desperately want to pummel everything and everyone around you. "Boxing Day is about the sport boxing? Ahahaha, so funny! You totally just made that joke up! Brilliant, Kel" - No one ever, not even my own mother.

I am so tired I can barely see straight. I screamed at someone yesterday. I do not like having to feel like the kind of joyless dirtbag who would scream at a loved one on Christmas Day. I am happy to have just made it through to the easy side of the holiday season where all you have to do is return stuff to the Gap and drink champagne. You know what I need? I need me some funny videos! Warning - the second video below makes me cry with laughter but it's also more than a bit off-color.

Now THAT is funny.

In the fantasy football draft of the human experience I am drafting “funny” first overall and whoever is drafting second can draft “love” or “family” and make me look like a total asshole. I am absolutely comfortable being an asshole.

The other day I tweeted our friend Fozzy that I wanted a zombie-joke to be etched on my tombstone. He tweeted back promising to sing November Raaaiiiiinnn at my funeral. There are no words to describe how happy this made me. We were, of course, joking but actually NO, I do want those things! I want Fozzy to sing a zombie song at my funeral! I want Gabe to come and say “Kel died. Get it? You get. Ding dong! Go to bed, Kel’s corpse. The grieving family needs to RELAX.” I want Werttrew to post an animated gif on my coffin whilst carrying Notsewfast in a baby bjorn. I want Teacherman to rhyme “carcass” with “ruckus” in a #ripkelrap. I want CakeorDeath to say “’Could Kel BE any more dead?’ – Badandler Ching.” I want Baby Friday to say something that is so adorably funny that I have to re-die all over again. Make this shit happen! If you don’t, I am going to haunt the fuck out of all of you from the afterlife.

The point being: humor is the center of my life on this barfy planet and in this segment I am going to be posting things that I find to be wildly funny and I hope you will enjoy them even a little bit as much as I do.

This week’s theme: Star Wars!

GIFs That Keep on Giving

As taken from this lovely post. Enjoy y'all!