Hater’s Guide to Football’s Offseason

This is an addendum piece to my last piece about March Madness that I wrote before I wrote the piece about March Madness so maybe the piece on March Madness is an addendum piece to this piece. Peace.

Football is over. No longer can you spend your weekends watching giant men kill each other slowly with blows to the head. Seriously, if you like football you are a disgusting monster! Perhaps that is why it is such a wildly popular in this country; we are ALL disgusting monsters. I miss football. Yeah, that’s right, The Hater pines for something. I long for football because it is the fan community that most embraces irrational hating. Football fans, especially college fans, are allowed to loathe the very fiber of rivals’ and completely random teams’ being for no reason at all and it is acceptable.  How great is that? I can say something like “Fuck the Florida Gators, I hope every one of their players contracts Hepatitis and the campus burns to the ground” and most people wouldn't bat an eyelash (for real though, fuck you, GAY-tors). It’s simply great; never does a true hater feel happier than when they are laying on the couch with a beer resting on their gut and screaming at the TV because the Dallas Cowboys are a bunch of over-paid pussies.

The Hater’s Guide to March Madness and/or I Hate College Basketball

Houston, we have a ZZzzzblem.

I’m going to let you all in on a secret: college basketball season starts in November.

I’ll give you a sec to wipe off the drapes because your mind just exploded.

…

Yeah, it’s true! College basketball DOES exist outside of the month of March. Could’ve fooled me. I cannot think of any other sport that is so heavily focused on such a small portion of its season. That one month though! Seems like all of a sudden you can’t escape it. Perhaps that’s the point. The powers that be realized long ago that college basketball is the lamest major college sport and decided to just commoditize the shit out of its post season in hopes of attracting more mainstream acceptance. There is no doubt in my mind that the NCAA went down to Sterling Draper Cooper Pryce one sunny afternoon wearing their finest fedoras and simply said, “Don, tell us what we want.”

Commercials that Annoy Me - Old Navy Mannequins

Hi, hello, how are you? I realize this is Godsauce's column (please don't sue me I don't even have any money) but he said he wouldn't be doing it past the first one, partially because he "just [hadn't] been watching enough television". I, on the other hand, watch television way too much and have slowly built up incredible amounts of hatred towards commercials over the years. (Does this opening feel a bit passive aggressive to anyone? It's not meant to if it does.) However, there will be a big difference between what I am doing and what he did. While his post was well thought out and featured a commercial that truly deserved to be ridiculed thanks to an almost offensively poor John Lennon impersonator, I will use this as a place to funnel my blind rage of commercials, which, to be completely honest, will be probably pretty unfounded most of the time. Anyways, here it is.

Hater’s Guide to the 83rd Academy Awards

Tonight, as you may be aware, the 83^rd Academy Awards ceremony will be taking place in Hollywood, California. The Academy Awards, commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” are sort of like the Grammys but for movies. Every year a bunch of celebrities and industry types dress up in rented clothing and jewelry #literally chosen for them by Rachael Zoe, sit in a large auditorium, and masturbate their egos for 12 to 18 hours. Every couple of hours someone is given an award for excellence or other favorable trait then they go do something fancy afterward. It is a very exciting time! Millions of uninteresting people who live their lives vicariously through celebrities will be watching so you probably should too in order to keep your water cooler banter sharp this week.

There really isn’t even one aspect of this thing NOT to hate. Since you likely need no help, I present here only a very small fraction of the reasons you’ll be hate watching.

Welcome to the Hater's Guide

One of the greatest.

What up, MOBDF? I’ve wanted to write a column for you guys to laugh at for a while but in all honesty I felt I had nothing to offer. Naturally, this sparked within me an existential crisis. A crisis affecting me so wholly that it led me on a journey in which I sought to rediscover what, if anything, made me great. I spent many weeks alone, far removed from human contact with nothing but rain water for nourishment and I have now returned from the wild reborn as a shining beacon of light in this dark, dark world.

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Jurassic Park

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can't stand - justifiably or not - in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren't the characters you're supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)



Jurassic Park is in my top three movies of all time. It's perfect. I don't care if you hate it, or are sick of it, or think the science is wrong, or have any sort of bullshit hangup about it. It is a perfect movie. Those dinosaur robots and/or cartoons are perfect. Mr. DNA's pronunciation of "dah-noh-sawers" is perfect. Everything in this movie is perfect except for one thing: Lex Murphy. SHUT UP, LEXI! This bitch.

My Life Is Twilight: Informed Hatred

People hate Twilight for the wrong reasons. It's totally worthy of hatred, don't get me wrong. It's maybe the most worthy. But if you really want to be informed with your hatred, and I sense that you do, you've got to get past the sparkly vampire thing.

Yes, in Twilight, vampires sparkle in sunlight. It is presented, in Twilight, as a kind of joke about vampire mythology. Vampires are aware of the rumors that they burst into flames in the sun, have an aversion to garlic and crosses, and so on. Within the reality of Twilight, those are exaggerations of the truth. One could easily see how a human seeing a vampire sparkling a few hundred years ago could have been distorted by oral tradition into the whole bursting into flames thing. People who complain about faggy sparkling vampires seem to be implying that Twilight is not totally self-aware about this (Here's a complaint I hear constantly about zombie movies: don't the people in these movies see zombie movies? Don't they know how to deal with a zombie invasion? Yet here is Twilight, a world in which vampires have seen vampire movies, and those same people [unknowingly] complain about it. Be more ideologically coherent with your objections to pop culture, people). But they sparkle! It's so gay! WE KNOW. Get over it.