Monsters. Totally in control of thisismynightmare? Yes.

Ummm ... you guys. I think you should see this. I'm really worried. I woke up this morning to someone furiously ringing my doorbell. I got really freaked out (was a neighbor being murdered???) so I ran to answer the door. When I opened it, nobody was there. I immediately thought, "Who on earth would ding dong ditch me at 7am on a Saturday? There are some assholes afoot today." But when I looked down, I saw something ... alarming.

On my doorstep was a package. But it wasn't a normal good times package. It was the size and shape of a football and seemed to be made of lunch meat and twine. The outermost layer was unnervingly rare roast beef. I peeled it off one slice at a time and tossed it aside. Under at least 6 ounces of that was a layer of honey roasted ham, followed by smoked turkey, followed by really thinly sliced roast chicken (the worst lunch meat).