Monsters. Totally in control of thisismynightmare? Yes.

Ummm ... you guys. I think you should see this. I'm really worried. I woke up this morning to someone furiously ringing my doorbell. I got really freaked out (was a neighbor being murdered???) so I ran to answer the door. When I opened it, nobody was there. I immediately thought, "Who on earth would ding dong ditch me at 7am on a Saturday? There are some assholes afoot today." But when I looked down, I saw something ... alarming.

On my doorstep was a package. But it wasn't a normal good times package. It was the size and shape of a football and seemed to be made of lunch meat and twine. The outermost layer was unnervingly rare roast beef. I peeled it off one slice at a time and tossed it aside. Under at least 6 ounces of that was a layer of honey roasted ham, followed by smoked turkey, followed by really thinly sliced roast chicken (the worst lunch meat).

Patrick M. is the Funniest Human Being

I just thought I should share this with everyone. Scroll to the very bottom. (From the V for VgumII Monster's Ball)

LBT's Generic Book Corner: Nervous Conditions

Welcome friends, Romans, countrymen, and lend me your eyes (figuratively speaking - I love a good 'literally' as much as the next monster, but ew), for I have returned to discuss another book that I have read and liked (I have a feeling that if I ever discuss the books I have hated, it might be funnier, although less pleasant by my end). Today I want to bring to your attention Nervous Conditions by Tsitsi Dangarembga. I was assigned this book by a professor whom I hated with the fiery passion of a thousand suns, so I was prepared to hate it by association. But damn, the bastard can pick a book.

SlothShots! 1: A little bit of History

"A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words."

- Ansel Adams

"Above all, I craved to seize the whole essence, in the confines of one single photograph, of some situation that was in the process of unrolling itself before my eyes."

- Henri Cartier-Bresson

The quotes above are from two of the most renowned photographers in the world. I will be showcasing some of their work in future post but for know I wanted to post those quotes because to me they sum up photography better than I ever could. Photography has many meanings; to a mom it captures the memories, and the stories she will tell to others, in the future; To an artist it’s a vehicle to communicate the story the mom might tell but without the mom being there. So where do I start on a subject that has only been around for 200 years but has had many advances and voices to guide it to what it is today? I’m not sure. Let's start from the beginning!

Many scientists attempted to create photographs but failed on one aspect, making the picture stay once it was developed.

The first photograph ever is by a man named Niepce. It has an exposure time of 8 hours! 8 hours!

MONSTER MEET-UP: LOS ANGELES, LET'S DO THIS AGAIN?

**PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR PREFERRED DATE IN THE COMMENTS**

WHEN: Saturday, February 12th OR Saturday, February, 19th @ 8PM

WHERE: All Star Lanes (bowling AND karaoke) in Eagle Rock http://www.allstarlanesbowling.com/

WHO: TBD

How 'bout it?

Monster Movie Club: Bigger, Stronger, Faster*

Bigger, Faster, Stronger*

This is a movie that deserves at least one viewing. There are many themes that the movie touches on and at times it seems disjointed, but overall it does a pretty good job of encapsulating America's fetishism of steroids.

The Story is told through the eyes of director Chris Bell, who recounts his childhood admiration of Hulk Hogan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, all public figures who later admitted to using steroids (Schwarzenegger since he was 15). He chronicle's his brothers' steroid use and asks some pretty interesting questions.

No Paparazzo-O: Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.

As Caula Pole once sang in her 1997 hit, "Where have all the celebrities gone?"

Friends, awards season is upon us which means that fashion season is also upon us. Now it's Paris, and later Milan and New York. It appears that many celebs have skipped over the pond (as Gwyneth would say) to pop into some fashion shows and rub clavicles with models and moguls. Well... not everyone:

Last week I passed Dita Von Teese at the Glendale Galleria. I was crossing through to get to the other side (really, honestly, I wasn't shopping in a mall! OK maybe I window shopped a little on my way to grab dinner. Calm down!). She was exiting and looked rather lovely. Sort of like a sexy Mildred Pierce. I'm glad that there are some women out there flogging themselves for the sake of femininity. I like to wear Converse  and jeggings and eat popcorn while egging them on.

A few days later, I spotted the Iceman himself, Shawn Ashmore in Eagle Rock having lunch.

"No way!" -- You
"Who is that?!" -- Also you

He played Iceman in X-Men 2 & 3, and also was in the 2006 film The Quiet, which you'll recall as this week's WMOAT contestant.

Don't you feel satisfied and more informed now? Until next time...

Haters Gonna Hate: Reality Bites edition

I suppose I knew that nominating a movie like Reality Bites would get me called on the carpet, so it seems inevitable that I would be writing a defense of my hatred. Full disclosure: my hatred was born in an association with one of the absolute worst human beings I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing, who held as his personal hero one Troy Dyer, the hobo at the heart of this little cinematic gem. Not that I ever loved the movie, but once I became disgusted with Troy the veil was lifted, and I was able to see the movie for what it really was. And what is it? So glad you asked. Come window-shopping down the avenue of horrors with me, won’t you?

Lions LB Zack Follett responds to his words being taken out of context.

Sorry guys, I have not had time to write the monster movie club post for this week, look for it tomorrow morning. Meanwhile here's Zack Follet setting the record straight. Via Cosby Sweaters.

Zack Follett - Response to my comments made from zack follett on Vimeo.

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 9

Now with 60% less Paltrow upskirts!

As A Serious Monster followed Facetaco through the sewers she began to question the choices she had made in her life up to this point. Choices that lead to her following a man with a taco for a face through a sewer, trying to gather information to find the missing wife of a mad scientist. Perhaps I should have gone to law school, like my parents wanted she thought to herself.

Facetaco turned to her as he contined to lead the way. “You’re probably thinking that you should have gone to law school, like your parents wanted.”

“How did you know?” She asked, startled.

Facetaco laughed, a hoarse, bubbly, unpleasant noise. The laugh turned into a violent cough as he expectorated something that A Serious Monster hoped was refried beans.

“Because that’s what they all think.” He garbled, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

Before A Serious Monster could say anything Facetaco held up his hand. “Yes. Before you say anything. There have been others. That is all I will say on the matter. Come with me.”

A Serious Monster stopped in her tracks.

“I’m not going anywhere until you explain at least something to me. Who are you? Why is your face a taco? What did The Narrator have to do with it?” she demanded.

Facetaco moved surprisingly quickly. Within a second he was in her face. His breath was warm and cheesy.

“You want to know?” He growled. “Fine. I’ll tell you. I used to be a man, like you. Well, not like you because you are a woman. I use ‘man’ as a short for human.”

“Why didn’t you just say ‘human’?”

Concert Log #4: Cold War Kids at The Bootleg Theater

On the eve of their new album release Mine Is Yours (*cough*dropbox*cough*), Cold War Kids played an intimate show at the Bootleg Theater. The critics haven't been too kind in their reviews of Mine Is Yours. However, after multiple listens, I am actually enjoying it. While the second half of the album is a little slow, the first half is energetic and catchy. There are more than enough good songs on this album to make it worth a listen. The band managed to shake off the bad reviews and put on a great show for the home-town crowd. They played a good mixture of old songs peppered in with more than half of their new album. Nathan Willett's voice was as soulful as always. I always enjoy seeing this band in concert and a tiny 200 capacity theater is no exception. Enjoy the videos and check out their new album.

The Cutler Injury Play

A quick explanation from a guy holding a beer about the Cutler Injury. Not much funny, just a good Monday morning quarterback job.

You Can Draw It Up: The Evolution of Jonathan Lipnicki

We all know of Mr. Gabriel Delahaye's profound appreciation for fan fiction, but what about those of us who, like crows and babies, are almost exclusively motivated by a love for shiny things? Hath we not eyes? If you prick us, do we not bleed? Don't we also deserve a place on Videogum?




It is with this ambition that I present my first installment of You Can Draw It Up, which I hope will become the definitive home for fan art for and by our dear Monsters. This week I offer a brief study on the evolution of Hollywood legend Jonathan Lipnicki.




Born October 22, 1990, Lipnicki is on the Libra/Scorpio cusp, which is also known as the Cusp of Drama and Criticism. Those born under these influences exhibit the fair judgment of Libra and the cool, precise skill of Scorpio.





Jerry Maguire-Era Jonathan Lipnicki
2011; pen and ink

Now Accepting Submissions For The Bimonthly Videogum Creative Arts Showcase on Channel 11

A scene from Videogum Cable Access's upcoming panel discussion on scarcity in the umbrage-toward-GOOP industry.

With the advent of television, viewers around the world have been entertained and informed in ways ham radios and flipbooks were simply not providing. Y'all guys appear to be quite creative, so let's put the VHS in VIDEOGUM to use! I am putting together a special to air on western-Oregon-public-access television comprised entirely of Monster-created work, and if you have ANY sort of video you would like aired, please email jsundinpdx at gmail dot com or leave a comment with more information. The deadline is in, like, awhile, so feel free to make something if you don't have any low-budget art to your name just yet. Here are some examples of things you can send in:

• Live band performances or music videos
• Short films
• Short films pertaining to life and/or jumping into life
• Music videos again, to pad out this list
• Comedy sketches
• Comedy skits
• A CD-R of the 2004 volume of Totally Hits (I lost mine in like 2005, 2006????)
• I can't think of anything else that rhymes, so you're on your own now.

Anyway, let's do something other than paint/exercise for fear of a lawsuit, and get ourselves on television.

P.S. TRY to keep it clean so we can air at 11:27am on a Saturday, which is just my favorite time of the day.

The TWSS Archives: Hamlet Act I Scene i

Previously: Monster Roundup

Monster Roundup

kids, welcome to the Monster roundup. In this Column we will try to bring you the weekly monster happenings going on around the web.

Around the web.

Gabe has a fan page started by DS3M, I swear there was a link to an appearance of him and Gabe Liedman on VH1, but I guess I must have dreamt it. In other Gabe news, Babble, an online magazine for parents picked up on Gabe's GOOP editorials.

If you live in NY, you might want to head over to Brooklyn and check out these honorary monsters every Wednesday. If you live in the San  Francisco area , Joe Mande is bringing his-self over to a town near you, This time he's bringing Joe DeRosa with him.

For those monsters who miss Lindsay be sure to check out her Tumblr, she will also be writing a new column soon. We'll keep you updated.

Steve Winwood is the foremost art critic that I know, check out his writings on The Sunbreak. 

Becca reviewed The Onion News Network for The Splitsider.

Pinkgum Meetup

Ladies of Pinkgum: I am hoping to buy plane tickets soon so that they will be as cheap as possible, so anyone who can confirm, please let me know. I think it looks like June 25-28 (Sat-Tues) will be the best. The more the merrier! I will also reserve hotel rooms, so let me know also which of those days you will need accommodations. News about t-shirts forthcoming!

Now THAT is funny. Girl-Crushing on Dorothy Parker Edition.

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A melody of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Roumania

-Excerpt from Not So Deep as a Well by Dorothy Parker

Jessica Alba is pretty and will love me forever,

PSYCHE! Hahaha. You fell for that? Moron.

-Excerpt from RACISM IS EVIL by Steve Winwood

Now, I will leave the poem parsing to Teacherman who is much more well equipped for such things than I, but I like to imagine that Dorothy Parker's PSYCHE in this poem is focused on its "love can never go wrong" line rather than the two "glorious cycle of song" lines above. No blindoptimismo. Ok, maybe I'm being a tad blindly optimistic. As an aficionado of whimsy and music lover I think that calling life "a melody extemporanea" is just the most perfect thing.

Advice For Men

SORRY LADY MONSTERS, THIS ONE IS FOR THE FELLAS.

Monster Fit Club: Week Four

Time is flying by. I can't believe we are already at week four! It seems like everyone is staying motivated and doing really well. I am so proud of my Monsters!

This week I lost 1 lb. (7.5 lbs total). I am now 12.5 lbs. away from my goal of 20lb. total weight loss.

I have noticed that my jeans are fitting better and that I am getting stronger. I am able to keep up better with my P90X abs DVD and I running 2 1/2 miles now.

Thanks for all the suggestions on TV viewing last week. I have discovered that I can watch Netflix streaming on my iPhone from the treadmill. Only problem is when I watched Friday Night Lights that I started crying while I was running! Needless to say, my crying made it difficult to run. That was not a good look, you guys!

I came across an article on Self.com about snacking alternatives. Instead of bowl of ice cream or a bag a chips, try some of these. Also, here are a few of the foods I like to snack on (not counting fruits and veggies):

Fage Non-fat Plain Greek Yogurt (90 Calories, 15 g protein)
Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Granola Bar (120 Calories, 9 g Fiber, 2 g Protein) Dove Dark Chocolate Promises, 2 pcs. (115 Calories)
Edy's Frozen Lime Bars (80 Calories)

So how did you do this week?! Put your progress and suggestions in the comments and let's discuss!

DISCLAIMER: As always, please consult with a doctor before starting any diet or weight loss program. MOBFD is not responsible for you having a heart attack or anything. DEAL WITH IT!

Tales From the Chat: Grey Uncomfortable Situations

Unfortunately I can't chat as much as I once did, so I decided to post this question here:

What are some "grey" uncomfortable situations you have found yourself in?

As creatures of choice we either do wrong or we do right.  We find ourselves trying to limit our failures or duplicate our successes. Looking back at our actions we are either proud of something or we are ashamed of it. Sometimes however, we navigate a gray area. And most of the times, this grey area is a lot harder to manage  because we travel paths that are foreign to us. We must not only decide what to do; we must also decide if what we are doing is right or wrong.

Here are some of mine:

Poem of the Week: The Rhodora

The poem this week comes via babyfriday who introduced it to me. I had taught Emerson for years but, somehow, was not familiar with this, perhaps his most famous, poem. Despite being oft-quoted, reading Emerson can be a fairly intense, sometimes off-putting experience. He is very overt in his transcendentalism, particularly in his approach to self-reliance and living in the present. His thoughts on the beauty and power of nature however, are difficult for me personally not to find toothsome. Like his acolyte Thoreau, Emerson saw as an imperative the communion of the individual with nature. Even more than the Romantics, Transcendentalists believed in the supernatural strength that one could gain through his/her (re)connection with nature. Should one be so fortunate to divorce him or herself from society to retreat into nature, s/he could encounter beauty of the kind one only dreamed in the newly-established industrial cities. This beauty, however, was not for man's consumption alone. This natural beauty, unlike the beauty humanity tried to create, was never spectacle, but self-sufficient and self-sufficing. As Emerson wrote n "Self Reliance," "These roses below my window make no reference to former roses or better ones." In so existing, without concern for validation from an external consciousness, Emerson et al celebrated the Transcendental beauty of the natural world. Such seems to be driving idea behind the poem's most famous lines, 11-12.

It is also worth noting that the rhodora, like its cousin the rhododendron (and unlike the subject of so many poems, roses) grow largely in the wild and are rarely cultivated in private gardens. Enjoy the poem: