Now THAT is funny. Poetic Miscellany Edition.

A poem by TheGrandmaBurrows



On Saturday -

my ego dropped to 0 then to

minus 0.



The problem began (still not

ended)

When bolts 9 & 10 failed to

reach through

Protective plate 11 and

rigid bar 12

And grommets 13 & 14 where

They were intended.

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

Slothshots! 2:Sports

After a week off we come back to checking out the world of photography in Slothshots.

The superbowl occurred last weekend and I thought it would be topical to focus on sports photography for this post. One artist in particular has captured some of the most iconic moments in sports ever. He is often regarded as the greatest sports photographer in history. We will be focusing on Neil Leifer in this post and 8 of his most compelling pictures. Enjoy.

Concert Addict's Weekly Unused gif Round-Up

Even though I usually manage to fill the SNL & Thursday Night TV threads to overflowing with .gifs, there are always a ton left over that I just never get around to using. It's really sad to let these gifs go to waste so I figured I would dump them (in no particular order) here on MOBFD for you all to enjoy.

These gifs were "found" all over the internet. Some may even have been made by me.

GLAMOUR! with Kira! - Unisexy Favesies!

Hello! Welcome back to GLAMOUR! with Kira!

I'm very excited to get the ball rolling on my incredibly important column where we take life's toughest questions head on. We don't back down from really staring those questions in the face. Today, I am going to answer a question that no one has had the balls to ask yet, and that question is: Kira, what are five of your favorite products that a man or a woman could use? Hard hitting stuff. I know.

I love giving suggestions. Some may call it being bossy, but they should shut up because I am only trying to be helpful. I like to help! What to buy, what to say, where to go, how to do things...there is basically nothing that you can buy/say/do that I don't have some thoughts on. I am full of opinions and I want everyone to benefit from my wisdom (so wise, this wisdom.)

(When Gabe said he was getting a Shiba, I sent him an email BRIMMING with very helpful suggestions based on our own experiences with our Shiba. I realize in hindsight that the email I sent was far, far, FAR longer than was appropriate and was more 'the ramblings of a mentally disturbed individual' length, but at the time, I just really felt like I had a lot of wisdom to share! Gabe sent me back an email that said, "Thanks!" and that's it. And I was like, "Really? That's it?" And he was like, "Um, I am trying to avoid telling you that you're a scary nutbar. So, thanks!" Good times!)

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

A Clarification

Hey everyone. Recently, as some of you may be aware, a question was posed. A question of Mystery Butts and Toilet Dumps. This question has pitted brother against brother, monster against monster, and cartoon character against cartoon character.

Recently, I spoke with the original poser of the question: the Ladyblog and her brother. It turns out that my initial interpretation of the rules was incorrect, and so, today, I offer a clarification.

First, for the Mystery Butt option, you are allowed a condom. I understand this changes some things. However, there are two additional changes to Mystery Butt.

1) You see the whole butt, cheeks and all. It's not just a butt gloryhole.

2) You insert into the butt until you have climaxed.

I don't know if that will change anyone's opinions, but those are the official rules from on high.

Garfield's Retort

MLIT: Careerism pt. 1

Let's say you're a 20-something actor whose career has been launched by a vampire film franchise. No, not you, Chris Massoglia! I'm referring to Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone. If you were one of those people, what would you do with all of your newfound fame and clout? Would you blow it on cheap rom-coms? Would you throw yourself into another surefire franchise only to have it blow up in your face? Would you just buy some blow? Or would you try to forge a real career for yourself, blow all your critics away? For the stars of Twilight, that is an open question that really will be answered after Breaking Dawn wraps in a few months. But a glance at projects said actors have already completed between installments might give us an indication of what they are thinking. Today we look at Ashley Greene, A.K.A. Alice Cullen.

Do You Want to Be Like Steve-O?

Toilet Dump might seem fine for large, racist dogs and FLW's hero here, but for those of us who are willing to reject the horror of the known and accept the promise of redemption, Mystery Butt is always the right choice.

Monster Jukebox

It's On and Poppin

monsterjukebox.subsonic.org 

I still have a lot of clean up to do insofar as file system stuff is concerned, but it's up and going for anyone that wants to check it out.
You will need a Username/Password. Shoot me an email at rstriano@gmail.com with your preferred username/pw and I will get you in.
If you want the ability to upload, let me know and I will give you access to do so. The default config will allow streaming, jukebox mode or whatever, downloads via web or phone client.

CHEA

Peace Love Videogum

Betty Offers A Rebuttal

Toilet Dump: Because you can't clean "hope" with "soap."

Guess the Mystery Butt #1

Okay, so the game is this: I post a picture of a mystery butt (it will always be clothed) and you guess who owns it. This game will go on until I get sick of searching for butts on google.

Here is an easy one to get us going, answers in the comments please!

Dennis the Menace Offers a Rebuttal

Mystery Butt: because most deadly diseases aren't sexually transmitted.

Racist Marmaduke Offers A Defense

Toilet Dump. It's the white choice. It's the right choice.

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

Monster Movie Club: Steal This Film

NSFW language.

MTT: It's Spelled "Bird Squiggle Hand Bird", Friend

(click photos to enlarge)

Ok, here is the thing. When I started this little segment I had no idea what I would write about. As far as I knew, the only history a MOBFD monster ever effected was a browser's. All I knew was that I have a time machine in my garage, I never use it, and I had done this pretty cool mash up of me on the machine in the "Welcome to Hill Valley" sign from Back to the Future. So what did I decide to do? Get drunk, watch the History channel, report. Needless to say, my plan worked perfectly.

It was 38 straight hours of wine coolers and HC. I used commercials for maintenance and eating. I slept during shows about the Victorian era because fucking shoot me. Something went wrong during an hour long nap during an episode of Fashion in 1842. An hour of sleep turned into five. I woke up in a haze. Flickering on the screen while a narrator prattled on about mummification was a picture of the Egyptian god Anubis. My eyes stung, my vision was blurry, but I caught something. My hands scrambled across the coffee table clutching at the remote. I hit pause on the DVR and crept toward the image glowing across my face.

17-Year Old Constantinople Alters The Family Circus from 3.5 Years Ago

After my request for feedback, I learned that our young Constantinople used to do a similar thing to this single panel comic. His alterations were very funny and quite risque. (More after the jump...)

Baby Friday's Safari Planet: The Twelve-Kitty Day

Anyone who knows me knows that I get pretty weird around animals. I thought I’d blog about it, for your amusement. Here is another one of my encounters with a random animal.

It started off like any other Saturday—sun high in the sky, birds singing, a fresh pot of coffee brewing. Teach and I strapped the leashes to Handsomedog and Girl One and we were off for a long walk through the neighborhood. (Skeledog is too fragile for long walks these days.) Little did I know what lay ahead. It would be quite a day for one such as me, one who possessed “kitty senses”.

For the uninitiated, “kitty senses” is what experts (read: Baby Friday) call the little intuitive sense that can spot a cat a 100 paces off. Some people like to call this wildly whipping one’s head back and forth in an attempt to scour every square inch of landscape for signs of kitties. Those people, friend, are haters. They are also possibly butthurt. But this particular day was not about haters; oh, no! It was about kitties.

Last Minute Valentine's Gift Ideas

I finished my V-Day shopping today, but if you guys are still at a loss: I got you covered like white on rice (huh?).

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 11

Deep underground, beneath the headquarters of The Agency, Chris Trash was trying to entertain his hostages.

“Hey, now, buckaroos. Don’t you be being all sad with the sour pusses. Agent Cakeordeath will be returning very soon with my chip, and you all can be on your merry ways.”

Agent Huckabeast spat on the ground.

“She’ll never give you the chip, Trash. No matter what you do to us.”

Chris Trash laughed.

“My friend, I am hoping for your sake that you are being wrong. If she is not back in twenty minutes, you are all going to be dead people.”

From the back of the group there was a collective shuffling as Duncan cleared his throat.

“Oh, dear. That won’t do, old sport. You see, I rather enjoy living, and would be ever so put out if I were to no longer be doing so,” he stammered.

Dr. Principal Enchman began to nod furiously in agreement and Capu Flapu began to rock from side to side in distress. Chris Trash fired his gun into the air, silencing them.

“My friends, it is no use worrying about how will be of the killing of who. This is nonsense talk, is what this is. Let us have distraction, yes? Who likes ‘Would you rather?’?”

Dropbox, Dying. New Server Rising

Monsters, one and all -
The Dropbox.
         How Bout it?
It's been fun, it's been great, it was a valuable service used for disseminating musics that the Monsters wanted. We have had valuable additions and contributions to the box. I have made sure to keep a copy or version of every file uploaded to the box before it was removed again to save space.

Well the MonsterGum Drop Box will now be changing shape.
It will serve SOLELY as a way for Monsters to give me Music.
Which I will then Take from the Dropbox, and add to the New Monster Music Server.

I will be creating this Monster Music Server using a service called Subsonic.

GLAMOUR! with Kira!

Hi, Monsters!

I'm Kira!

I'm caringiscool on Videogum, and kirabira on the Twitters. You might not recognize me from Videogum. That's because I never comment anymore, and even when I did, I wasn't an All-Star. I was never in the Monsters Ball, and also did most of my commenting before Monsters Ball was EVEN IN EXISTENCE. (Is that a humblebrag? Or an unbrag? I'm just saying I am an Olde Tyme Monster.)

Whatever, it's cool. Don't cry for me, Gumgentina! We can't all be Godsauce or Werttrew. As a musty old dude once said, "They also serve who only post overly earnest responses to Seriousgum stuff and every once in a while post a comment that is nearly identical to something someone else posted earlier." (That is a direct quote, I am certain of it.) ANYWAY. I am better suited to Twitter, and I'm all up in that bitch's guts like WHAAAAT. But I have also been really enjoying the evolution of the Monster Community and pondering ways that I could participate more. I've been doing some brainstorming!

I have several areas of expertise. They include, but are not limited to:

Monster Roundup

February 8th, 2011

In this Column we will try to bring you the weekly monster happenings going on around the web.

Around the web.

Recently our reluctant cult leader, Gabe Delahaye, has started his own website. There you can find links to his pre-gum blog and other stuff Gabe-related. Basically, he's making it really easy for us to stalk him (please don't hurt him, we need him to blog). If you are worried about this site's relation to Videogum, consult his FAQ. Also, he has a Facebook fan-page started by DS3M. Speaking of Facebook, Grace6697 has started a very noble cause for the advancement of humanity and the preservation of mother earth, please join.

If you live in NY, you might want to head over to Brooklyn and check out these honorary monsters every Wednesday.

For those monsters who miss Lindsay be sure to check out her Tumblr, also check her out on the twitter.

Check out Pat M's review of Yo La Tengo's set last Saturday.

Steve Winwood is the foremost art critic that I know, check out his writings on The Sunbreak. 

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

Tales from the chat: Would You Rather.

Unfortunately I can't chat as much as I once did, so I decided to post this question here:



Okay, so everyone does "would you rather", but these are 4 questions that were so divisive, that we need tie breakers. Would you rather...

• ...be sad or be bored?
• ...be in 500 Days of Summer or Inception?
• ...have a Flying Corgi or an unlimited ipod?
• ...have the ability to turn anything you imagine into a .gif or unlimited copy paper?

Lost Super Bowl Ad

Hello Monsters. Resident lothario, JD here. Upon watching the Super Bowl (in between Puppy Bowls, OBVS) I noticed a specific ad, with a specific actor. He was smooth, charismatic, and spoke French. Ouí Français!! He brought tears to the eyes of all the ladies (and gentlemen) in the room. Anyway, I just thought to myself "How can we improve this ad?"

There. Fixed!

This. Forever.

Rap Genius: We Monsters

A preview to a new feature

Well well well, look who got around to finally doing a segment. If you could not guess from the picture above, each week I will be taking you on a journey through time. Together we will look at how certain monsters have changed the course of history using only my mediocre photoshop skills and my community college creative writing credit. Shall we do this? LETS DO THIS!

This week: Did Steve Winwood help create the pyramids?
Find out Friday on MONSTERS THROUGH TIME!!!

Baby Friday's Safari Planet

Anyone who knows me knows that I get pretty weird around animals. I thought I’d blog about it, for your amusement. Here is another one of my encounters with a random animal.

So there’s this feral cat that has been hanging around our house for about a year now. We named him Calvin Coolidge, so to distinguish him from the deceased former president we call him “Kitty Calvin Coolidge” or just “K-Cal” for short. That way no one gets confused by the statement, “Calvin Coolidge just ran across the front yard.” “What?!” “Oh, Kitty Calvin Coolidge, not the deceased former president.” “Oh, gotcha.”

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Jurassic Park

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can't stand - justifiably or not - in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren't the characters you're supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)



Jurassic Park is in my top three movies of all time. It's perfect. I don't care if you hate it, or are sick of it, or think the science is wrong, or have any sort of bullshit hangup about it. It is a perfect movie. Those dinosaur robots and/or cartoons are perfect. Mr. DNA's pronunciation of "dah-noh-sawers" is perfect. Everything in this movie is perfect except for one thing: Lex Murphy. SHUT UP, LEXI! This bitch.

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

Let me know if you hate this feature and want me to stop.

The Narrator's Narratives: The Wrong Way

Hi, I’m The Narrator and this is my new post. Hey, Monsters are people too and they all have their story to tell. I’m here to be a medium that allows you to look in and see what monsters be doin’.

THE WRONG WAY

It is 8:00 AM and Frank Lloyd Wrong sits in front of his computer. His trusty companion Dog Lloyd Wrong on webcam to entertain lesser monsters.

His computer starts the warm feel of electricity surging though the keys, the shine of the screen hitting his face, these feelings he has felt time and time again, yet today it is different.

Dear Mountie Inaugural Post!

Well, here it is folks. The very first edition of the "Dear Mountie" advice column. Today we have someone who is overly concerned with being out-of-doors in winter time, and a shy young fellow who probably gets flirted with all of the time and doesn't even know it (it's okay--most guys don't).

Where do you get your ide...just kidding. Question: do you think all this Monstering is a healthy usage of our time? It's kind of weird and kind of wonderful but shouldn't we all be going outside or something?

Much like our collective personal hero, Gwyneth Paltrow, I believe it's all about balance....and now that I'm done vomiting, here's my answer.

As long as you are deriving pleasure from something and that thing is not causing problems in your life or negatively impacting your well-being, then don't worry about it. So often we worry about what we "should" do instead of just listening to ourselves and following what that inner voice tells us. All of this dithering about "shoulds" just makes us more unhappy.

Also, it's wintertime! What the hell else are we gonna do?

I have problem talking to girls I don't know (even though I'm in my twenties). Last week a very hot leggy blonde sat in front of me in the train. We smiled at each other. But after a while I just played with my phone until I got to my stop. Advice?

Monster Fit Club: Week Six

Week six, y'all!! Who's pumped?! I bet everyone is starting to see some great results. People are probably telling you that you look thinner, huh?! Sorry about the late post, but I have been a busy gal.

Time to get our weigh-in on:

This week I only lost 0.5 lbs. (BLAH!). That is 9 lbs. total. I am 11 lbs. away from my 20 lb. goal.

I'd Literally Hit That: Chloe Sevigny

Hello all you circus animals, it's time again for everyone's favorite post:

So, as you might already know, Monster contributor This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she describes in horrific detail the myriad ways in which she would like to Hall Pass Louis Anderson while The Narrator is at the library. My posts are similar in nature, but instead of "hit" being a euphemism for "debauch," I am using the word literally to mean "punch." So, who am I likely to hit this week? This thing:

LBT's Generic Book Corner: The Plague

Hello, and welcome to Book Central, where I talk books. I shall do my best to stay on topic today, but I make no promises. That is just how I roll.

Today I want to gush about Albert Camus' The Plague. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that this book is kindof the intersection of the Venn diagram of my heart. I love existentialism! I love books! For some reason relating to Stockholm syndrome and an epic project done during my undergrad, I love the Plague!* When I pretend that various characters are either a) SWINTON, or b) Cthulhu, my heart melts with joy.

That being said, follow me, won't you, as I continue my book love?

PCCT Awareness Week

It's PCCT Awareness Week! Show some solidarity with your favorite PCCT member! Profile Pic! or something. (Gallery)

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

Godsauce Alters Today's Family Circus

This is not a new concept, but I have to do something, and I just haven't been watching enough television to do the commercial thing semi-regularly.

Thank you for indulging me.