In Diddy Riding A Jet Ski News

You Can Make It Up, Ghostdad Edition: Hanging Out With Marcia Gay Harden On New Year's Eve

So I'm sitting at home, just doing nothing...watching a "No Reservations" marathon on the Travel Channel when this guy I "know" Derek calls me up and is like "hey, man...you gotta come to this party with me tonight. It's going to be epic". And so I throw some Brut on and a cummberbund and I'm out the door.

When I get there it's more like something from "The Big Chill" than "Can't Hardly Wait". I mean, there's white wine and appetizers with scallops in them and young dudes in tuxedos cleaning up after people. So I see Derek and am all "WTF, D? I thought you said this party was going to be live. Where's all the honeys? The Moet? You know?". And he goes "patience, my good man...patience" and before I know it some of the old foggeys take off and some glitterati type motherfuckers start showing up. The dude who played Urkel comes in with a big group of ladies (whom he calls "bitches") and Kato Kaelin is even there. So I'm thinkin'....ok, cool. This could be ok. I can finally find out if it was hard for that dude to play both Urkel and Stefan Urquell simultaneously and if OJ uses fancy soaps in his guest bathroom and stuff. As I'm in the middle of talking to one of Kato's groupies...trying to make some time...I feel this tug on the back of my cummerbund strap and I turn around real angry like.

"What the fuck, man? What are you-"

Top 10 Diseases I Thought I Had At Some Point In 2010

I am a hypochondriac. Yeah, you heard me. Not just any old chondriac
but a hypochondriac. Over the course of 2010 I was convinced I had the following ailments, only to be eventually talked down by either a girlfriend, loved one or family member:

10. The Gout

Frankly, I don't fully know what the Gout is but I heard somebody on TV say somebody had it and then was pretty sure I had it.

9. Rib Cancer

Pretty sure this was after I went on a mini-fitness regimen after the 1st of the year (RESOLUTIONS!) and did too many sit-ups one day. For the next week I was positive I rattled some cancer loose in there. Turned out to just be a pulled muscle.

8. Throat Cancer

Surprise! Turns out it was just my Adam's Apple.

7. Scurvy

Just to be safe I ate a lot of oranges that week.

6. Whatever disease you get when that creepy spider lays eggs in your skin

Moved into a new apartment with more spiders than usual.

5. Diabetes

This came and went throughout the year but was especially strong the week that I went to Taco Bell 5 days in a row.

4. Testicular Cancer

Don't want to even go into why I thought this.

3. Skin Cancer

This is what happens when I take a vacation to a sunny locale.

2. Hepatitis

I'm not sure why exactly, must have been on the news.

1. Herpes

Totes false alarm.

Top 10 Worst Comedy Club Names In America

Comedy Clubs have the worst names. That's no secret. But some of them are painfully, cringe inducingly bad. And if there's one thing I love it's making fellow Monsters cringe...

10. Dr. Grins - Grand Rapids, MI

Man, medical school is tough. No wonder doctors make so much money. It's unfortunate for this dude that he got through medical school in one piece and everything but since his surname is Grins he didn't get very far. I mean, would you want to get a pap smear from "Dr. Grins"? I certainly wouldn't and I'm a dude! So I guess you have no choice but to open a comedy club at that point. Sux 2 B Him.

9. Comedy Dawgs - Halifax

Anything with a W in it that doesn't need to be there is bad. Examples: "I Wuv You!", the White House.

8. Mixed Nuts - Los Angeles

I like my comedy clubs and genital euphemisms separate, thanks very much.

7. The Riot Act - Washington D.C.

Haha. Oh, man. I get it. Cause it's like a laugh riot but also it's like another thing that means something else. Hahaha. Oh, lord.

6. The Funny Farm - Atlanta

Sigh.

5. Snickerz - Ft. Wayne, IN

To borrow something from the world of Snicker Bar advertising...this one is just plain "chewpid".

4. Magooby's Joke House - Baltimore

If you're name is Magooby you have about 3 options. 1 is to change your name to something less goofy like Smith, 2 is to embrace it and become a clown and perform at kids parties and 3 is to take the middle of the road path and be kinda sorta wacky and open a comedy club with money your bitter and racist Grandfather left you in his will. Joke's on you, Grandpa.

3. The Brew Ha Ha - Rapid City, SD

Oh, man. This place is great. Cause right away you know you are going to get a couple of things once inside. You are probably going to get a beer of some sort and also probably at least a couple of laughs. Fuck that obscure shit. Tell it like it is.

2. Laugh Inn - Ft. Meyers, Florida

Get it?

1. Rooster T. Feathers - Sunnyvale, CA

This one just boggles my mind. What's funny about chickens? What does the T stand for? Do they serve chicken? Do chickens perform? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, MR. FEATHERS!

You Can Make It Up: Ghostdad Edition

Kevin Bacon Made Me A Hero at a Local Dairy Queen:

I had been nearing the end of a long and grueling day of trying on pants at the local shopping mall. I was beat. I decided that I would be better off getting dinner out instead of slaving over a hot stove at my humble abode. So I did what any red blooded America would...I waddled my pre-diabetic ass over to the nearest fast food establishment, namely Dairy Queen.

Apparently, fat minds think alike because there was a line practically out the door of the place. I took the deepest sigh in the history of sighs and prepared to wait it out. A moment later I heard the door swing open yet again and rolled my eyes over at the next troglodyte trying to fill their big dumb face with Blizzards and chicken sandwiches. Much to my surprise it wasn't a big asshole American afterall...it was a big American icon. Kevin. Motherfucking. Bacon. He was alone and making no effort to conceal his identity. He flashed that "Footloose" smile and slid in right behind me. I debated internally over whether or not to say anything to him. Right as shoulder Angel was extolling the virtues of letting famous people have their privacy and shoulder Devil was trying to make his witty retort, I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I spin around and find myself face to face with the Baconator.

Kevin: "Um...hi. Excuse me. I know this is strange but I was wondering if perhaps you had change for a $100 bill?"

Me: "Uh, I don't know. Let me check..."

Now of course I didn't have change for $100. I had $20 to my name...hence being in a Dairy Queen and not a classier restaurant, like an Olive Garden or Black Angus. But I desperately wanted to help out Mr. Bacon. So I feebly rifled through my wallet, trying to will my singles into twenties. I sighed the second biggest sigh in the history of sighs and rolled my head back around towards the direction of the nearest Hollywood legend...

Me: "Jeez, you know what, man...I don't think I do. I'm sorry".

Kevin: "Well, here's the thing. I'm with the kids...(ed note: at this point he gestured with his head towards the mall parking lot next door, at a BMW convertible with that lady from The Closer and some kids sitting in it)...and Kevin Jr. is really riding my balls to get him a candy bar from the vending machine. I really just need a dollar bill."

Me: "Oh, well...I have some dollars. You can just have one."

Then Kevin Bacon made a face that one can only describe as "heavenly" and put his hand on my shoulder and then said "Wow. That is so generous of you. I'll tell you what...you want an autograph?". I said "Of course. That would be great" and then he proceeded to pull a sharpie out of the back pocket of an immaculately pressed pair of cotton Dockers. And then...holy fuck, guess what he did? HE SIGNED THE GODDAMN $100 BILL AND GAVE IT TO ME! AND THEN THE MOTHERFUCKER WINKED AT ME!

Then, like some sort of creepy angel or boogety Nosferatu-type man, he was gone in a flash. I clutched the $100 bill to my chest and then held it up to the light to examine it. I noticed a little note written on the bottom I hadn't seen him write and it simply said "use this to be a hero for these people...like the people I was a hero for in the motion picture Footloose". I thought about this and then felt a surge of adrenaline rush through me, like a Mother heaving a car crushing her child or a guy sitting up after getting kicked in the nuts. I said in a loud, booming voice "PEOPLE OF DAIRY QUEEN! BLIZZARDS ON ME!" while hoisting the $100 into the heavens. I was greeted with a chorus of cheers and frankly, a few tears. The mob parted like the Red Sea when Moses did that thing from that one movie with the gun nut guy in it and I sauntered over to the register and said "43 Blizzards, please!". Just then I felt a tug on my jeans and looked down to see a little girl, no more than 4 years old. She motioned for me to lean my head down and said "and one hot dog, please. Sir?". An eerie silence crept over the crowd, as if she had maybe pushed things too far. Would this young man with such a generous heart be THAT generous? Things like this were being thought.

I pat the little girl on the head and said, "Well, of course, sweetheart. Of course". I told the Dairy Queen lady to add a hot dog to the order and the crowd went ape shit. I paid with the Bacon money and felt a twinge of sadness that the cost of being a hero meant parting with his beautiful autograph. The lady then gave me my change and I fled to the exits while being mobbed for hand shakes, pats on the back and offers for blowjobs in the back alley. I simply waved at the crowd and said "Enjoy, everybody! And remember...dance if you want to. Don't let anybody stop you from dancing". This confused more than inspired and I used the collective stupor of deciphering these words as my chance to escape.

Outside in the parking lot I collected myself and began putting my change away. I noticed some strange writing on a dollar bill and decided to take a closer look at it. Lo and behold it was an autograph...KEVIN FUCKING BACON'S AUTOGRAPH. It had returned like a jilted lover in the dead of night who forgot her birth control bills on your dresser. Underneath his perfect John Hancock read a note. It said:

"I owed you this".

I wasn't sure if he meant the autograph or the dollar bill...or both. And I kind of got frustrated trying to figure it out. I then said "well, fuck it. Today was pretty cool I guess" and then I took the bus home.