Tommy Wiseau to Audition for the New York Jets

From Sportsgum.com: Tommy Wiseau to Audition for the New York Jets

NEW YORK (Sportsgum.com) - If the New York Jets don't win their big game on Sunday, fan pressure might force them to start looking for a new quarterback. But they might already have one.

On Saturday Tommy Wiseau, writer, director, producer and star of the cult film The Room announced his plans to audition for the Jets in 2011-2012.

Wiseau was reached for comment, and explained his desire to play in the NFL. "Oh hi, Xave. When we shot The Room, I'd never projectiled a football before. They don't have footballs in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, where I'm born." Wiseau went on to explain that the throwing motion felt "ultraly natural" and he knew "in a lightning" that he had an instinctive gift for the game.

"It feels the same way it did when I start making movies - like something I was born to do. I just have pure natural gift. But with football I think it's even morer." Wiseau's preferred position? "The sports guy that throws to the other sports guys. Nickelback, I think. Like the orchestra."

Behind the Grunts: NFC Championship

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

This one has the all the ingredients to become a classic. You will hear a lot about how this is the NFL's oldest rivalry, about how this is the most important game in which they could possibly face each other, about all the classic games these two teams have played. All this is true, except that this is not really the culmination of that rivalry. There are in fact more heated grudges in recent history: Colts vs. Patriots; Jets vs. Patriots; Chargers vs. Patriots... there might be a pattern there. Anyways, the reason why this hasn't been a great rivalry in the past years in because, although both teams have been great at different times, they have not been dominant during the same seasons. This is a very rare chance to experience the two franchises playing for such high stakes and if Aaron Rodgers & Jay Cutler careers' live up to their potential, this might in fact be one of the biggest NFL games in recent history.

Players to watch: two quarterbacks with outstanding potential and something to prove go against two very strong defenses.

Even This Cynical Bitch Loves Aaron Rodgers

First off, here’s the link to where I first learned of the bullshit I am going to rant about in this post.
I am a cynical bitch, there is no question about that. I recognize that our culture is built on the idea of lifting people up, (celebrities and athletes particularly), only to tear them back down. I recognize that this need to see people fail, this need to dig up people’s darkest secrets, this need to ruin people comes from the darkest place in our hearts and is simply disgusting. Even despite knowing all that, I’m not immune to often partaking in relishing when someone who enjoys a holier-than-thou attitude turns out to be as sick and gross as the rest of us.

And so it seemed to be this weekend with Aaron Rodgers. Let me cut off any criticism right off the bat. Yep, I’m a Packer fan. It’s easy to dismiss my opinions of Aaron Rodgers as fan-girl or the product of blind adoration of “my quarterback”. I would make the same criticism if the roles were reversed. But honestly, that’s not what’s going on here. I take this more personally, I suppose, because he is my quarterback, but I would hope I would draw this line even if the subject was Tom Brady or Jay Cutler.

themostimportantvideoyoumayeverwatchreally

It's Friday night and it's cold as such outside, stay in and jam with us:

themostimportantvideoyoumayeverwatchreally from Isaac Royffe on Vimeo.

MLIT: Real Wedding Planners Plan Bella's Fake Wedding

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn pt. 1: First Blood will be released to theaters on November 18, 2011, in sha' Allah. If you are interested in the boring black-and-red "title treatment" to the film, which was released to much fanfare this morning, then, well, fuck you. But here it is. Spoiler Alert, but Breaking Dawn more or less opens with a wedding scene. Edward Cullen, the mind-reading vampire who is also a skilled negotiator, has basically argued Bella into a corner and she agrees to make their love legit in God's and the state's eyes in order to achieve immortality and an orgasm.

(That god's wishes matter to vampires is a little weird, no? Religion is strangely grafted-on to the Twilight Saga. The drama over impending nuptials eclipses a majority of the ostensible plot of Eclipse [see what I did there? You're welcome] which is theoretically mostly about an attack from an army of zombie-like newborn vampires. That book is the most galling example, but it's present in earlier ones, too. Marriage and souls and Jesus and they way all three relate raise up their ugly heads at odd intervals. It raises questions about Stephenie Meyer's brain, or editor, or both.

Monster Kiva team.

You know that time your friend invited you to something only to try and sell you a time share or something? What's that? You don't consider me a friend? Stop hurting my feelings and just bear with me for a minute.

Monsters are the most successful Internet commentators in the web: fact. We are also good people who like to give back to our e-community. I figure, why not give to the real world? That's were we keep our computers after all. Maybe you can't give right now, but that's fine your support by joining is appreciated.

Now, I'm not Professor Charity over here; I once gave money to Lyndon Larouche because I thought his supporter was going to wash my windshield. The point is this: I've heard good things about Kiva and they seem to have a good reputation. Watch the embedded video below and check out the Kiva Monster Team site and judge for yourself.

Monster Fit Club Check in: Week 3

Hi,

Welcome to week three of the "Monster Fit Club Check In". If you have some movies, stories, images that inspire you, send them to me and I will post & credit you here. Post your progress & diet tips over at Mrs. Nightmare's Weblog column.

Sorry, I'm late on this, but I'm helping out with tests all this week. Next week I will be back on Wednesday.
At this point some of you are probably getting some rhythm in your workout regime. A good way to keep track of your progress is with Global Positioning System Applications. These are two that I've personally used:

Legends of Note: R.E.M.

Hello friends, topknot here. Welcome to my new column for MOBFD, “Legends of Note.” After a fun round of R.E.M.-based tweets with fellow Monsters, the idea for a column exploring musicians of legendary status was rather spontaneously thought up. Having spent a good portion of my early twenties writing about underground/indie bands, I thought the idea of writing about big bands (both commercial and cult) would be a fun challenge. After all, what is there left to say about bands like R.E.M., the Rolling Stones, or even Neutral Milk Hotel that hasn’t been written and regurgitated time after time?

Well, here’s what I’m thinking. Every other week, I will pick 1 band or musician that is considered in someway legendary, and I will choose the 1 record they’ve created that has left the largest impression upon me. At the end of each column, I will announce the next column’s focus, and invite anyone to email me with their thoughts on the best album by said band/artist. I will then include this in the next post. Make sense? I hope so!

Okay, with that out of the way, this week we delve into R.E.M., with the help of thekelsburrows, Teacherman, and Mans. I'll share my thoughts first. Enjoy!

UnderwearEyes' Guide to Coachella

If you are heading down to Indio in April to celebrate tax season, be sure to prepare with this:

  UnderwearEyes' Guide to Coachella

The Monsters' Guide To : Beautificating Your Comments

Hi kids, you might be asking why I'm writing this post since my posts are disjointed and full of typos and "creative" grammar. Well, this isn't about me smartypants! This isn't about what kind of jokes you should do, or what you should say either. These are just a few things I've picked up that helps your comments become prettier.

Monster Meet-Up: Coachella Bitches

Hi kids. Can we talk about how awesome THIS is for a moment?
Kanye? Arcade Fire? Sleigh Bells? Broken Social Scene? Yeah, it's basically stupid how good this line-up is. The only thing that would be better than going to Coachella this year would be to go there and meet-up with some MONSTERS while you were there. So, who is in?

Leave a comment if a) you want to stay in an unofficially sanctioned Monster house with a bunch of us or b) if you want to just meet at the event itself. More details to come.

Whoomp there it is. I thought you knew.

Monster Movie Club: TMNT: The Movie

When my imaginary, illegitimate children ask me what children entertainment I was into as a kid -in the green room at Maury-  I will answer TMNT, The Simpsons and Tim Burton's Batman. I watched the TMNT cartoon religiously, owned all they toys (thanks Mexican bootlegs) and I can't remember how many hours I spent playing the arcade games. This, as they say, was my shit. Another thing: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TEENage MUTant NinJA TURTLES, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! Heroes in a half SHELL!! ..sorry about that. This was my first time watching this movie since it came out in theaters 20 years ago and I gotta say it holds up pretty well. The direction is amazing, the muppets are superb and the heroes are likable. If there is on this DVD lacks is behind the scenes extras. I was looking forward to some behind the turtle puppetry, which I know I've seen somewhere.  But enough about me, let's talk movie:

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 8

Speeding down the street on his motorcycle, Just Desserts was talking to Paper Street Soap Company through the earpiece he had set up for him. “So, Papes, any idea where I can find Thisismynightmare? She needs my protection.”

“That’s what she said!” Paper Street blurted out on the other line.

“Ugh. This is no time for games. Someone’s life is in danger! The Winbot came to my house looking for her. He’s not going to stop looking until he finds her!”

“Sorry, dude. You set me up perfectly. I couldn’t not say anything. Hold on a second. Let me see here…” He trailed off. Just Desserts heard the sound of typing through his monitor. After about fifteen seconds Paper Street got back on the line.

“Ok, so, this is what I was able to find. Apparently she has a sister who lives in the area. She could have gone to stay with her.”

“Perfect. Where is she?”

“192 Bangs St.”

Just Desserts swung his motorcycle around and gunned the engine towards Bangs street, hoping against hope that Thisismynightmare was there, and, if she was, that the Winbot hadn’t gotten there first.

*****************************

LBT's Generic Book Corner: Persuasion

Hello good friends and bitter enemies, and welcome to this week's edition of my little generic book corner, where I shall geek out over that marvelous maven of manuscript, Jane Austen.

As much as I love all of Austen's works (and I do, oh I do), I would like to focus on Persuasion, the perhaps more plain, shy, easily-overlooked sister to Pride and Prejudice, Emma, and Sense and Sensibility*.

*why yes, I am anthropomorphizing a book. If anything, it's too normal, amirite?

Best of 2010

So, the point of this post is tell you guys about my "Best of 2010" mix and get your impressions. I make this "Best of" mix every year and hand it out to co-workers, family, friends, etc. That being the case, the songs I choose tend to be pretty accessible with a lot of familiar names in the list. As a result, some bands like The National and Beach House did not make the cut despite the fact that I think they produced some amazing tunes. This list adds up to a mix that will fit on an 80-minute blank CD. Feel free to suggest revisions in the comments or offer up your own "Best of"!

Gettin' Anchory: My guilty pleasure

Hey everyone, Anchor Management here, who has been upgraded to author after two contributions no one cared about. I will give you glimpses into the complex pile of burning garbage and pop culture references that is my life.

Yesterday Chris Trash started a post about guilty pleasures, quickly followed by a review of guilty pleasure 30 Seconds To Mars. Seeing as I wanted to do a post about mine and move away from the social commentary of my last two posts, this seemed like the right time.

My guilty pleasure is bad tattoos, so much so I have a folder dedicated to them. To specify, I do not mean badly done tattoos, that is the fault of the artist, not the person getting it – unless they were high on crack while getting one from “a guy”- so not those. Although, full disclosure, misspelled tattoos are always good for a laff. I do not mean the full blown crazy people who get terrible tattoos like Zombie Boy or Internet fave Mr. Cool Ice. No, I mean the tattoos that are like Internet comments: they try to poke fun at something relevant by using pop culture references. Only they are on your body. FOREVER. Because God knows I made comments on Videogum, noticed they fell flat and wanted to take them back an hour later. These people have bad jokes on them for the rest of their lives or until very expensive, super painful laser removal.

Monster Fit Club: Week Three

Welcome to week three, you guys! It sounds like everyone did a fantastic job last week. Let's weigh in:

This week I lost 1.5 lbs. That is a total of 6.5 lbs. so far! I am now 13.5 lbs. away from my goal of 20lb. total weight loss.

I think I was expecting to lose more weight this week because I did so well the first week. Of course, I wish I would have lost more, but I know that it is a healthy amount to lose. So I am satisfied, and I am feeling great.

Concert Log #3: Thirty Seconds to Mars

Thirty Seconds to Mars at the Fox Theater in Pomona CA 1-14-2011

Tales from the Chat: what are your guilty pleasures?

Unfortunately I can't chat as much as I once did, so I decided to post this question here:

What are your guilty pleasures?

We all have stuff we like but don't admit to liking. This includes things you like "ironically" since you would not defend them against certain people. For example I loved the first Twilight and I am not ashamed to admit it in this post, but if I was out with my drinking buddies I would claim ignorance.

Here's mine:

MLIT: Vampire Film School 101

Say what you will about the original Twilight film. True, the pancake make-up is laughably bad (though it gets better as the film goes on, almost as if they were running out toward the end). True, a lot of misguided effort went into practical effects (like, say, a complex-looking treadmill system used to make the vampires move quickly in sequences that were ultimately shown in slow motion, WHOOPS). True, Robert Pattinson doesn't have a grip on his American accent yet. But in many ways, it's an admirably weird film, especially when you remember that it was hugely popular with pre-teens. Most films popular with that set are slick, glossy-looking artless things. Twilight (directed by Catherine Hardwicke) is scrappy and nervy. The color palate is almost entirely blue, green, and black (including, weirdly, a few sequences set in Arizona).

I'm particularly a fan of the (admittedly) corny scene in which Edward forces Bella to speak aloud her suspicions that he is a vampire. It's a popular one among the Twi-Hards because it's quotable. "How long have you been seventeen?" Bella asks. "A long time," Edward replies. Ha ha. But someone like me can get behind it too, because the editing is way bizarre, and kind of... awesome?

For comparison's sake, take a look at a sequence of shots from the sequel, New Moon (directed by Chris Weitz):

Now THAT is funny. LA Meetup Fan Fiction Edition.

Hi, I'm Gabe and I write a pop culture blog that I'd like for you to download. A few weeks ago, the nerds at Monster Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick (which apparently is a thing, I guess?) pointed out to me that there would be a monster meet-up happening on January 15th in the Silver Lake district of Los Angeles, CA. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First of all, Monsters are one of the best thing I’ve ever heard of, probably. Second of all, in the words of Bandler Ching, could a meet-up between a bunch of anonymous internet shut-ins BE any more awkward? Man! There was no chance that I was going to miss it even though it was totally inconvenient for me to be there. You guys, LA is on the OTHER side of the United States! It is not very close to me at all! Flying like a white person is hard!! BUT NOTHING WOULD STOP ME FROM GOING TO LA TO MEET THESE MONTERS. I left a bunch of extra food and water out for Birdie (follow her on Twitter!!) and flew to Los Angeles for this momentous (not momentous) occasion.

Behind the Grunts: Sunday Divisional Playoffs

 

Chicago Bears vs. Seattle Seahawks 12:00PM ct

Cool factor: The first losing team to make the postseason plays the only playoff team it beat during the regular season. While the Seahawks are underdogs, they eliminated the Superbowl champions last week.

Players to watch Marshawn Lynch vs Jay Cutler