This site does not represent the views of

Bear with us while we get this organized. This site does not represent the views of Send submissions to Send tips to if they are not posted there, wait a while & send them to Take care, Stay Awesome.

Friday, December 31, 2010

You Can Make It Up, Ghostdad Edition: Hanging Out With Marcia Gay Harden On New Year's Eve

So I'm sitting at home, just doing nothing...watching a "No Reservations" marathon on the Travel Channel when this guy I "know" Derek calls me up and is like "hey, gotta come to this party with me tonight. It's going to be epic". And so I throw some Brut on and a cummberbund and I'm out the door.

When I get there it's more like something from "The Big Chill" than "Can't Hardly Wait". I mean, there's white wine and appetizers with scallops in them and young dudes in tuxedos cleaning up after people. So I see Derek and am all "WTF, D? I thought you said this party was going to be live. Where's all the honeys? The Moet? You know?". And he goes "patience, my good man...patience" and before I know it some of the old foggeys take off and some glitterati type motherfuckers start showing up. The dude who played Urkel comes in with a big group of ladies (whom he calls "bitches") and Kato Kaelin is even there. So I'm thinkin'....ok, cool. This could be ok. I can finally find out if it was hard for that dude to play both Urkel and Stefan Urquell simultaneously and if OJ uses fancy soaps in his guest bathroom and stuff. As I'm in the middle of talking to one of Kato's groupies...trying to make some time...I feel this tug on the back of my cummerbund strap and I turn around real angry like.

"What the fuck, man? What are you-"

2010 Concert Round-Up Part 2

Here's part two (July - December 2010) of my best concert moments of 2010. I'm just going to jump right in.

July 18, 2010 - Swell Season, She & Him, and Bird & the Bee @ the Hollywood Bowl
Cool story about this show: I almost got run over by a golf cart carrying Jenny & Johnny. Opening up the night was a band already mentioned in Part 1: The Bird and the Bee. Inara looks to have already lost all the baby weight in like 2 months. Jealous!

She & Him was the next band up. I'll save the She & Him video for later in the post.

Closing out the show was the Oscar winning duo from Once: The Swell Season. Glen Hansard puts his heart and soul into every song. I have been known to shed tears at Swell Season shows before and this show was no exception. Here is a video of Glen and Markéta performing Lies.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Worst Movie of 2010

By: Dafs

Around the Monster blog and pretty much every media site on the Internet, people are trying to pinpoint the best movies of 2010. But for my money, there’s not enough talk about the worst movie of 2010. Many of you know that I recently saw The Little Fockers with my fiance's family. This was NOT the worst film of the year. It was not good, by any stretch of the imagination, but it was exactly what it advertised itself as. Yes, there is a horrible scene where Ben Stiller injects medicine into Robert DeNiro’s pharmaceutical enhanced erection in front of his screaming child, but that scene was also in the trailer. People who paid to see The Little Fockers went knowing full well (some even excited) that they would see such a tableau. Such was the not the case with the worst movie of 2010, a science fiction film called Splice.

2010 Concert Round-Up Part 1

I'm back again with a round up of some of my favorite moments at concerts this year. I couldn't rank the concerts so instead I am just listing them chronologically. Believe it or not, this is just a best of and not every concert I attended this year. So enjoy the videos and mp3s below and maybe I'll convert a few new fans for these bands.

Jan 22 - Cold War Kids @ The Wiltern in LA
Great local LA band that has been getting pretty big the last few years. They were cool enough to record a bootleg of the entire show and gave the link to everyone who attended. Here's "We Used To Vacation" off their bootleg:

Jan 23, 2010 - Pee Wee Herman @ Club Nokia
I know this is technically not a concert but it was one of the best shows I went to this year and he did sing. I wish they would bring back the tv show.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Brett Favre contest & NFL coverage announcement

Seeing how the NFL playoffs are coming up I think it's time we have some foot-ball coverage round these here parts. We could go negative and fill the blog the crappy/stupid things NFL players do, but that is not the way of the monsters so we will try something different. For the playoffs I will cover the storylines behind the matchups in a column titled Behind the Grunts: Tights & Pads & my good Efriend, Yourhscoach, will cover his favorite football games on The Best Football Games of All Time(that I can remember). Both these columns will try to cover the NFL in a way that's friendly to all readers (yay inclusion!) 

Anyways, remember when i said we would have no negative stuff on the blog? 

Inside The Monsters Studio: Lawblog

We need to talk.

Now listen: I would LOVE to interview each and every one of you. I really would. But sometimes life doesn’t quite work out the way you want it to. So far, I’ve mostly (completely) interviewed regulars in the chat room, due to convenience. But I realize that not everybody can completely ignore their real-world responsibilities in order to come talk about wings and sitcoms all day. I REALIZE THIS. So if you DO want to be considered for an interview, shoot me a DM on Twitter. If you can’t guess my Twitter name, you get no interview. I’ll compile a list, and throw a dart at my monitor to decide each week’s subject.

This week, the dart landed right the hell on everybody’s favorite contest runner-up, Lawblog. Mr. Blog and I sat down over a cup of nothing and had a chat that could almost be classified as interesting. See for yourself:

Videogum name: Lawblog
Videogum avatar: Previously a cute bulldog, now Scott Baio in suspenders
Real name (optional): Dan Trash
Location: NYC
Favorite sitcom (excluding Arrested Development): Currently Community, all time The Simpsons (seasons 3-9)
Favorite wing flavor: Hot Buffalo, but really all wings
Karaoke song of choice: "Roll Out" by Ludacris and "Lightning Crashes" by Live
Worst movie you’ve ever seen: Eagle Eye

Q. Before we get started, I just want to clear something up: You DO know you’re only being interviewed because you gave me a shoutout in “We Monsters,” right?

Announcing the Monster Fat Club

I don't know about this weight loss stuff, but it sounds pretty lame. So I'm making my own club here. Pretty much, we just eat wings and cake ALL THE TIME. All you have to do to join is eat wings and cake. That's it! Who's with me?!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Announcing the Monster Fit Club

Everyone knows that Monsters are the sexiest people on the Internet. Some of us want to be sexier and some of us want to stay sexy. Now there is a place to make that happen. We like to call it the Monster Fit Club!!!

MFC will meet here every Monday to report on our weight loss, seek new tips and most importantly support and motivate each other.

This is what you need to do:

My Life Is Twilight: Informed Hatred

People hate Twilight for the wrong reasons. It's totally worthy of hatred, don't get me wrong. It's maybe the most worthy. But if you really want to be informed with your hatred, and I sense that you do, you've got to get past the sparkly vampire thing.

Yes, in Twilight, vampires sparkle in sunlight. It is presented, in Twilight, as a kind of joke about vampire mythology. Vampires are aware of the rumors that they burst into flames in the sun, have an aversion to garlic and crosses, and so on. Within the reality of Twilight, those are exaggerations of the truth. One could easily see how a human seeing a vampire sparkling a few hundred years ago could have been distorted by oral tradition into the whole bursting into flames thing. People who complain about faggy sparkling vampires seem to be implying that Twilight is not totally self-aware about this (Here's a complaint I hear constantly about zombie movies: don't the people in these movies see zombie movies? Don't they know how to deal with a zombie invasion? Yet here is Twilight, a world in which vampires have seen vampire movies, and those same people [unknowingly] complain about it. Be more ideologically coherent with your objections to pop culture, people). But they sparkle! It's so gay! WE KNOW. Get over it.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can't stand - justifiably or not - in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren't the characters you're supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)

Ugh. You know who I hate? Casey Jones! Don't get me wrong, there are lot of really hateable characters in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) - Raphael (blugh, go to your room) and Danny (stop being a turd) - but Casey Jones takes the cake. What an idiot! What an asshole! This bitch.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The People's Gummies: The Best Films and Albums of 2010

Hey all. I've calculated results from Books were very diverse, and songs and viral videos got tepid reponses, so at least for now I'm just calculating films and albums.

For each entry, 1st place awarded five points, 2nd four points, and so forth. If entries weren’t ranked, I gave each entry 3 points.

(I’ve only listed entries that totaled at least six points)


The Monsters are coming to Philly!

Hey, E-friends, tired of NY, Chicago, Austin & LA having all the cool monster meetups? Do you feel tired at night & full of energy in the morning? Does alcohol take away your social inhibitions? GREAT!! come join the monsters as we celebrate Rain's 29th birthday in the number 1 US city for Rain fans!

RSVP here or on FB at:

Philly Meetup

Poem of the Week: Osso Bucco

As it is the week of Christmas, I wanted to post a poem that had to do with kith and kin and hearthfire and all that stuff. My mind immediately went to Billy Collins as he is king of quaint -- but what poem? He actually has a poem that deals with Christmas ("Christmas Sparrow" which you can find here: but it is not all that good. So I decided on "Osso Bucco," one of his more famous works and one that I absolutely adore. Those who know Billy Collins know that he is extremely accessible and wonderfully nostalgic, though I personally do not feel like he gets enough credit for his complexity of composition. In "Osso Bucco," for example, Collins does a marvelous job vacillating between the cultured ("the candles give off their warm glow, / the same light that Shakespeare and Izzac Walton wrote by") and the feral ("a creature with full stomach"). Add the this that the poem contains one of my favorite images when Collins describes the satisfaction of a full stomach as "the lion of contentment / [having] placed a warm heavy paw on my stomach," and this poem is a winner. If you don't want Osso Bucco after reading this poem, you are either a vegetarian or you're not reading it right. Bon appetit!

Monter Movie Club: True Grit

You know how it works; go watch a movie then nerd out with us here. We will have the open thread sometime this week. If you have any suggestions for movies which will not likely be covered by Videogum, gives us a heads up & we shall start an open thread. SHALL I say!!

Also, don't forget to vote on on the People's Gummies. today is the last day to do so.

Now THAT is funny. Boxing Day Edition.

Because I spent two weeks travelling through Europe mostly talking to other Americans about Dave Matthew's Band about 11 years ago, I consider myself to be incredibly more worldly than the average bourgeois American. This worldliness enables me to know that in the non-American English speaking countries of the world (or "the problem" as I like to think of them) today is known as "Boxing Day." According to WikiLeaks Boxing Day has something to do with giving alms and charity, but to me Boxing Day is the day of the year, out of shear exhaustion and fatigue, you desperately want to pummel everything and everyone around you. "Boxing Day is about the sport boxing? Ahahaha, so funny! You totally just made that joke up! Brilliant, Kel" - No one ever, not even my own mother.
I am so tired I can barely see straight. I screamed at someone yesterday. I do not like having to feel like the kind of joyless dirtbag who would scream at a loved one on Christmas Day. I am happy to have just made it through to the easy side of the holiday season where all you have to do is return stuff to the Gap and drink champagne. You know what I need? I need me some funny videos! Warning - the second video below makes me cry with laughter but it's also more than a bit off-color.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

I'd Hit That: Paul Rudd

This week, I have decided to go with a fella who is on my "Top 5." He goes by the name of Paul Rudd. Let's discuss...

One of the things that makes Paul Rudd so great is that he has the ultimate combo going for him--funny and sexy! The funniness just makes him even sexier! Crack a joke, Paul, and I get a lady boner. Yeah, I said it. Deal with it.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Videogum 2010 Song Contest: The MIxtape

The hottest most dinkin flicka' mixtape of the year is finally here. Download over at:

No Paparazzo-O: Déjà Suvari

Hey Kids!

There hasn't been much celeb-spotting as of late, as you may have noticed. My guess is that it's because they're all on holiday in St. Barthes or wherever it is they go to be photographed trotting along on beaches in their tiny bathing suits while sipping Appletinis and swimming with dolphins. They wouldn't be caught dead in stinky L.A. during Christmas. No way! Well I have three words for them: Worst. Beach. Bodies. I hope your cellulite winds up on the cover of Star magazine, jerks!

Anyway, I totally saw a celebrity today, gang! Except it was Mena Suvari, and I've already seen her, as you'll recall, at the Somewhere premiere earlier this month. She looked about the same as this:

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Johan Ludvig Runeberg Day VG Monster meetup

What are you doing for Runeberg Day? Join the monsters as they eat Runeberg's torte and likely get drunk while talking about the latest dancing animal!

RSVP here or on Facebook at:
Johan Ludvig Runeberg Day VG meetup

Gums Of Our Lives: Episode 5

Just Desserts pulled up in front of a dilapidated house on an otherwise barren road. He walked up the overgrown path and reached the front door. Above it read “1537.” He tried the bell, but heard no sound, so he knocked on the door. He heard shuffling and banging from deep within the house, then a series of large, imposing footsteps as they reached the door.
“What’s the password?” Growled a voice from behind.
“Kisses and Lyes,” replied Just Desserts.
A series of bolts were unlocked and the door swung open.
“Just Desserts,” the man behind the door stated.
“Paper Street Soap Company.”
Paper Street stepped out of the shadows and offered his hand. Just Desserts took it and smiled.
“It’s good to see you, you enormous blue-haired Kurt Vonnegut-looking motherfucker.”
“Yeah, yeah. Good to see you too. Come on in.”
They entered the foyer, if you could call it that. Paper Street turned to him.
“So what brings you to my humble abode?” He asked.
“I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve gotten mixed up in something crazy. I need to disappear for a while.”
“What’s her name?”
“How’d you know it was a girl?”
“With you, Just Desserts. It’s always a girl.”

Inside The Monsters Studio: Chris Trash

Hey look! It’s almost Christmas! Santa has brought you all a wonderful shiny new edition of Inside The Monsters Studio! This time I sat down with Chris Trash, event coordinator extraordinaire. Does he have anything worthwhile to say? Let’s find out!

Videogum name: Chris Trash
Videogum avatar: Man dancing with black cat, black cat with funny hat, huge cat shadow, etc
Real name (optional): Dave Trash
Location: Chicago
Favorite sitcom (excluding Arrested Development): all time full house, current community
Favorite wing flavor: buffalo, but I prefer tenders
Karaoke song of choice: Tender by Blur
Worst movie you’ve ever seen: A history of violenc

Q. Mr. Trash, you change profile pictures often, and now you have no picture at all? What’s up with that?

My Life Is Twilight: I'm Dreaming Of A Bite Christmas (Sorry)

I'm not Twi-Hard, I just play one on my blog.

I want to thank Kira for bringing my attention to the fact that the folks over at the Examiner have rounded up a disconcerting number of photos of Twilight-themed Christmas trees. It's important to remember that most of the people who have the ability to buy and decorate their own Christmas tree, that is to have full thematic control over said tree, are almost always adults who have jobs. You're probably at work right now. Look at the person to your left. Now to your right. One of them is going home to this fucking thing:

There but for the grace of God go AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY, am I right? Notice down at the bottom that there's a yellow Porsche decoration. That's the car Alice steals in Italy at the end of New Moon. I knew that off the top of my head! Did you? What are we even DOING with our lives? Anyway, head over to the Examiner for the full gallery, or just imagine it because you'll pretty much come up with the same stuff.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Monster Tumblrs and Blogs

updated 3/12/11

Latest draft of a tumblr/blog list. Please send me your tumblr/blog or suggestions for other monsters and contributers at or @werttrew me on Twitter.
Please be sure to give me 1) your name (or the suggested person's name) on Videogum, 2) the tumblr link, and 3) a one-to-five word description of the tumblr's content. Just "commentary" or "personal" is fine.

I’ve already added a brief description of the content of each tumblr I've added so far—please send me a note of a better description of your tumblr if you wish, but no more than five words long, please. I’m essentially using “Commentary” as the default, adding “Personal” if it seems like the person talks about their own life a bit.

***Next to recent additions

Abacus Finch Personal/commentary
An American Patriot Advice
Aniktwo Commentary
Backstagebethy Commentary
bingo gas station (with powlsy and underweareyes) Album cover reviews
boddah 'things/music/pictures I like'
***bradofarrell pokemon, gay stuff, commentary
briadru4 Personal/commentary
Brrrrrian Commentary
Capu Flapu and the Spasmatic Pentagrams "Less Wordy Elitist Musical Gubbins"
Caringiscool Commentary
Carrie Personal/Commentary
Chris Trash Personal/Advice
***clockworkrobots "absurdity, miscellany, and gifs"
Creamofthecrop "commentary/personal/humor/awe/nonsense" Cupisacup Personal/Commentary
dafs personal/commentary
The Dependent Clause (formerly the Defeatery) personal/commentary
Dr girlfriend “cheap austin events”
Ds3m Personal/Commentary
Duncan “A whole load of personal crap.”
Dylanmorgan Commentary
Electric Koala "Music/Banter Blog"
Electro Lemon "Panini reviews and/or nonsense."
Etwb Personal/Commentary
Facetaco Commentary on Boy Meets World
faviator --- personal/educational
fozzie: "Things I think are cool or funny."
Funkles Humor/Commentary
Gabe Humor
Godsauce Humor/Commentary
Huckabeast "it's mostly personal stuff"
Imsoexcited & Thisismynightmare "bad status updates"
Ignition remix “It is just dumb jokes.”
itta_yonina “Commentary on bad movies.”
incredimarc Personal/commentary
JasonRyanfilms Personal/commentary
Joefry Commentary
Josh is like Germany ambitious and misunderstood. Personal/Commentary
KajusX & Chainsaws Personal/artblog
K-Hud "Nerdy Cincy girl lives life."
Langford “I post whatever.”
Lengli Commentary
Lindsay Robertson Humor
Liz Commentary
Lizzing Dating humor
Mans Observations and various thoughts.
Meaverly Mostly “terrible personal blathering.”
melsanie “Hot British men.”
melsanie "Commentary and general awesomeness."
***merrywanderer "image panoply"
Niamh Commentary
nudelman “Music, laffs, photos”
Patrick M. “fictionish”
Pizza “Verne Troyer on scooter, mostly”
poolboypip “A nerdy pop culture shmorgasboard!”
powlsy (with bingo gas station and underweareyes) Album cover reviews
Professor Pushups Commentary
Raymond’s Mother Commentary/Personal
Rb Personal/Commentary
shanks for nothin Commentary
shellbomber "Doofus tries to GOOP"
Slothdrop Photography, and the occasional story.
super! Commentary
the wurst “Band stuff/local events.”
underweareyes (with bingo gas station and powlsy) Album cover reviews
Thisismynightmare & Imsoexcited "bad status updates"
Werttrew Videogum archives
Zachary Little “My animated show/ Twilight blog”
Hey everyone! I'm a graphic designer by trade, but I like to do a lot of stuff on the side just to keep busy and keep my skills up. A great way to do this (and save money in the process) is to make gifts for people around birthdays and Christmas. I thought I'd share with you all my work.

This is a poster I did for my brother and his new fiance. It's from an engagement photo, but the day was kind of crappy, so I decided to dress it up and and keep it simple. I hope they like it!

Black Swan Movie Club Discussion

So I am a little late with the Black Swan Movie Club Summary. Sorry about that but, hopefully, it gave everyone a little more time to see the movie. I'm not really great at writing but one thing I am good at is scouring the internet for gifs. So after the break, my review of Black Swan told through Black Swan gifs.

There may be spoilers in the gifs so don't click through unless you have already seen the movie or don't care about spoilers.

Announcing the first Annual Pinkgum Destination Meetup

During the second weekend in June the women of Videogum Commentation will descent upon Las Vegas. Are you a fellow monster or lurker? Join us! More details to come soon.

Pinkgum is open to us, women only, to minimize chance of creepy commentator encounters. There might be a related, shorter, Las Vegas Meetup open to everyone if enough local monsters show interests.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Monster X-Mas: The Song

Okay y'all, so I made a Christmas song for all you monsters out there. It's not the best recording ever, but you know what? I'm not lawblog! Garageband might as well be Korean Trigonometry to me! So get off my case already, yeesh.

Anywhooooo, find the link below. Hope you all enjoy!

Also, here are the lyrics:

Monday, December 20, 2010

Announcing the People's Gummies & Mans' Best Books he's read in 2010

Do you like best of lists? Liar! Everyone likes best of lists. Let me tell you about... fine fine I'll hurry it up. OK, so much like the People's Choice is the people's equivalent to the Oscars, The People's Gummies will be the Nick Kid's Choice to the Gummies. We are asking you, yes YOU, the monsters to vote on your 5 favorite movies, albums & books you've read in 2010* You don't have to list all 5 in all 3 categories for your vote to be counted, but why not? Really?

How it works: Post your lists right here in the comments & we'll add them up and announce the winners at a latter date. Number them 1-5, a six entry will not be counted. Awesome right? Well get voting, you don't want this list comprised solely of my choices.

*The five movies & albums have to be from 2010, the books need only to be read by you in 2010 to qualify. Not sure how this would work?
Voting ends on Dec. 26.

Still hungry for lists? check out Mans's list of the 10 best books he's read in 2010:

Monsters are creative and such

Good afternoon my peeps, check this out:

O.G. Commentator Becca wrote a piece about depression and comedy titled The Deppresive's Guide to Comedy The piece is very well written and it covers a lot of range with content from some of your favorite comedians along with some you will be glad to discover. It's a tough but beautiful piece that, I'm sure, a lot of us can relate to.

You know another thing we can relate to? Topic changes. Which is why monster The Wurst wants to share with you his fully licensed cover of Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas is YOU!!!!??? (sorry about the exclamation points, I'm new to blogging). There you can also download his band's EP if you enter your email address. (I received an assurance of no spammo)

Speaking of winter songs, check out some winter jams from a music collective which features our own Faviator. they are also playing a few shows in the Chicago area during the next few weeks, so be sure to check that out.

Now THAT is funny.

In the fantasy football draft of the human experience I am drafting “funny” first overall and whoever is drafting second can draft “love” or “family” and make me look like a total asshole. I am absolutely comfortable being an asshole.
The other day I tweeted our friend Fozzy that I wanted a zombie-joke to be etched on my tombstone. He tweeted back promising to sing November Raaaiiiiinnn at my funeral. There are no words to describe how happy this made me. We were, of course, joking but actually NO, I do want those things! I want Fozzy to sing a zombie song at my funeral! I want Gabe to come and say “Kel died. Get it? You get. Ding dong! Go to bed, Kel’s corpse. The grieving family needs to RELAX.” I want Werttrew to post an animated gif on my coffin whilst carrying Notsewfast in a baby bjorn. I want Teacherman to rhyme “carcass” with “ruckus” in a #ripkelrap. I want CakeorDeath to say “’Could Kel BE any more dead?’ – Badandler Ching.” I want Baby Friday to say something that is so adorably funny that I have to re-die all over again. Make this shit happen! If you don’t, I am going to haunt the fuck out of all of you from the afterlife.
The point being: humor is the center of my life on this barfy planet and in this segment I am going to be posting things that I find to be wildly funny and I hope you will enjoy them even a little bit as much as I do.
This week’s theme: Star Wars!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

MonsterGum DropBox

Hey Guys -
DS3M, your swashbuckler here, with a friendly reminder about downloading and piracy:
You Shouldn't Do It.  Buy Your Music. Be Legit. Thank You.

I'd Hit That: Ryan Reynolds

This week we have a special edition of "I'd Hit That" featuring Ryan Reynolds. We will call it:

"I'm Single Now...LADIES"

This week it was reported that Ryan has split from his wife Scarlett Johansson. However, in the past few days it has also been reported that the couple have been seen out and about together. We aren't going to worry about that though...

Monsters are creative and such

Check out some music from Faviator
She, along with other monsters, will be playing a show at Subterranean in Chicago this Tuesday.

Note: We will eventually have more elaborate posts on these, I just did a rushed one since the show is this Tuesday. Anyways, send me your links if you have stuff you want me to promote.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


This is the response I want to make to the arguments on Videogum. I'm sorry to clog up this lovely and hilarious blog with this, but I feel like I have to say this, and I feel like saying anything on Vgum right now will only perpetuate the idea that I'm somehow the face of this whole argument. And that was never what I meant. So here is my response, it all its glory. If it works for you, great. If not, scroll down, there's comedy to be had.

Top 10 Diseases I Thought I Had At Some Point In 2010

I am a hypochondriac. Yeah, you heard me. Not just any old chondriac
but a hypochondriac. Over the course of 2010 I was convinced I had the following ailments, only to be eventually talked down by either a girlfriend, loved one or family member:

10. The Gout

Frankly, I don't fully know what the Gout is but I heard somebody on TV say somebody had it and then was pretty sure I had it.

9. Rib Cancer

Pretty sure this was after I went on a mini-fitness regimen after the 1st of the year (RESOLUTIONS!) and did too many sit-ups one day. For the next week I was positive I rattled some cancer loose in there. Turned out to just be a pulled muscle.

8. Throat Cancer

Surprise! Turns out it was just my Adam's Apple.

7. Scurvy

Just to be safe I ate a lot of oranges that week.

6. Whatever disease you get when that creepy spider lays eggs in your skin

Moved into a new apartment with more spiders than usual.

5. Diabetes

This came and went throughout the year but was especially strong the week that I went to Taco Bell 5 days in a row.

4. Testicular Cancer

Don't want to even go into why I thought this.

3. Skin Cancer

This is what happens when I take a vacation to a sunny locale.

2. Hepatitis

I'm not sure why exactly, must have been on the news.

1. Herpes

Totes false alarm.

Poem of the Week

So, I thought I might start a feature in which I post poem and a few thoughts about it and then whoever would like to add their interpretations could do so in the comments section. The poem below is called "I Love You, Sweatheart" by Thomas Lux. Baby Friday introduced it to me, and I really love it. Lux takes the misspelled "sweatheart" (I like to think that he actually saw this spraypainted on an overpass somewhere) and runs with it. For Lux, this spelling error actually becomes a more accurate portrayal of the lover's amour, "all sore and dumb / and dangerous." I think he is right when he says, "Love is like this at the bone, we hope." I also really like how he utitlizes enjambment (or the breaking of a phrase, clause or setence by the end of a line) to increase the anxiety of the poem and offer double-meanings to some lines. Just a great poem. Enjoy!

I Love You, Sweatheart
Thomas Lux

A man risked his life to write the words.
A man hung upside down (an idiot friend
holding his legs?) with spray paint
to write the words on a girder fifty feet above
a highway. And his beloved,
the next morning driving to work...?
His words are not (meant to be) so unique.
Does she recognize his handwriting?
Did he hint to her at her doorstep the night before
of "something special, darling, tomorrow"?
And did he call her at work
expecting her to faint with delight
at his celebration of her, his passion, his risk?
She will know I love her now,
the world will know my love for her!
A man risked his life to write the world.
Love is like this at the bone, we hope, love
is like this, Sweatheart, all sore and dumb
and dangerous, ignited, blessed--always,
regardless, no exceptions,
always in blazing matters like these: blessed.

Friday, December 17, 2010


You've Got Mail -- a *little* film from 1998 that grossed over $100 million dollars domestically, and which stars Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan performing dialogue written by Nora Ephron -- is one of my most favorite things. "Why?" -- You

YGM retells the story originally depicted in Shop Around the Corner from 1940 and which stars James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan, in which two characters who can't stand each other in real life unknowingly fall in love through anonymous correspondence.

In YGM, snail mail becomes dial-up e-mail, chat rooms, and instant messaging. Super advanced technology! What I love most about this film is that it is a time capsule, in every sense of the term. It's a pre-9/11 world -- before MySpace (NEVER FORGET), before the Kardashians, before Two Girls One Cup. It's a world in which people at coffee shops either read or talked to one another without their iPhones on the table waiting to interrupt them.

YGM's Manhattan is the kind of Manhattan you don't just want to live in, but feel you must live in. It's the kind of characterization of the city that reminds me of Woody Allen's New York so wonderfully portrayed in Annie Hall and, well, Manhattan.

As I said before, YGM stars Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan's old face (plus or minus new lips). "Could Tom and Meg BE any more perfect for one another" -- Bandler Ching

Co-stars include Parker Posey, Heather Burns, Dabney Coleman, and THIS GUY:

That would be DAVE CHAPPELLE, people.

There are lots of cozy fall and winter knits, hot drinks, and Meg Ryan's character reads from Boy, written by my all-time favorite children's book author Roald Dahl

Lastly, in addition to all the witty white people jokes, white people music, and white people interior decorating, there are some adorable scenes of Tom Hanks playing with kids that are among some of my favorite to watch.

Now you know why I adore this movie. I hope you'll all give it a chance and let it into your hearts just a little before you die and go to wherever it is you think you go afterward.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The monsters are coming to LA!!

Come meet your fellow LA monsters this January 15th.

Thisty Crow Bar
2339 w Sunset blvd
Los Angeles, CA

Inside The Monsters Studio: Lilbobbytables

Hello again, ladies and dudes and folks of indeterminate gender! Two posts on the same blog is pretty much a new record for me, so I'm just as surprised about this as you are! This week, I took the time to get to know long-time commenter Lilbobbytables.

Videogum name: lilbobbytables
Videogum avatar: A lady with glasses. I fear any more specific knowledge is lost to the eternal void of the internet.
Real name (optional): Kate
Location: Minneapolis
Favorite sitcom (excluding Arrested Development): All time favorite sitcom is Golden Girls. My current sitcom favorites are Community and Raising Hope.
Favorite wing flavor: mild. I am a wimp.
Karaoke song of choice: Total eclipse of the heart - Bonnie Tyler
Worst movie you’ve ever seen: A tie between It's Pat and Alone in the Dark. Terrible. Just terrible.

Q. Lilbobbytables...A man’s name, with a woman’s picture. What’s up with that?

A. I shamelessly stole my name from XKCD, although I have known my fair share of Lady Bobbys to be fair

Q. But have they been ‘Lil?

A. Touche. Your mastery of written fisticuffs is most impressive.

Q. I’ve noticed in the comments that you seem to be fond of both Zelda and Green Lantern. Do you have any other nerd-like interests that we should be aware of?

A. Oh god yes. I am very fond of comic books (although I only use 'graphic novel' when I am trying to sound like a snob)

Q. Saved By The Bell teaches us that nerds also love retainers and Ovaltine. What are your feelings regarding orthodonture and off-brand chocolate milk?

A. I never had braces or any corrective orthodonture, so perhaps I have missed out on my great love. Perhaps I am destined to walk alone, forever, wondering what might have been. as for off-brand chocolate milk, I always liked Nestle's. Is that off-brand? I’m not sure about that.

Q. Perhaps your lack of chocolate milk knowledge and your well-maintained teeth are directly
related? I think we may be onto something here

A. Great Scott, I think you’ve got it!

Q. Sugar leads to bad teeth...this will revolutionize the dentistry world. My sources tell me that you volunteer at the library. Be honest with just pocket the late fees, don’t you?


Q. I have sources who tell me you’ve been making a lot of purchases with nickels and dimes recently. What, exactly is a late fee for? They’re too trivial to benefit the library much, and it’s not as if it costs the library anything to keep a book checked out. So what’s the deal?

A. Well, I am not in the inner librarian circle. Honest answer, I think it is to make sure people return the materials on time, so they are available to other patrons. But then, that might just be what the Librarian Society wants us to think....A wiley, bespectacled bunch, librarians.

Q. Did you ever see that TNT made-for-TV movie “The Librarian,” where Noah Wyle was supposed to be this badass librarian? Is that notion as ridiculous as I have always assumed, or is there a whole world of ass-kicking library hunks out there?

A. Listen. I'm not saying there are superattractive librarian ninjas afoot. But I'm not not saying that, either. I'm afraid I just cannot be any more specific. And also, theoretically speaking, what did you think late fees funded?

Q. I never suspected it might be librarian/ninja academies. I suppose they’re similar, with the silence and all. I can see that. We're just about out of time here, but before we go...bone/marry/kill, with your fellow monsters. GO!

A. Oh, this is going to get me in trouble, isn't it? I would probably kill That One, just to see what it is like to live in a world without death. I would bone Just Desserts and marry A Serious Monster PLEASE NO ONE HIT ME. (ed. note: Between this and the last interview, I guess "In The Land Of The Women" was actually a Just Desserts biopic. Who knew?)

I hope you've all enjoyed this enlightening peek into the thrilling world of librarians and nerdery. Next time, we'll be speaking with Videogum activist Chris Trash. Unless he's super boring, in which case I'll probably just rant about how Rachel ruined Boy Meets World or whatever. Tune in next week to find out which one it'll be!

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: It's A Wonderful Life

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can't stand - justifiably or not - in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren't the characters you're supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)

For this, the first installment (and also Holiday Edition) of Characters I Hate In Movies I Love (CIHIMIL), I will be discussing It's A Wonderful Life and, more specifically, fucking Harry Bailey. Now, you may ask, why Harry? Why not Henry F. Potter or Uncle Billy? Certainly they are both hateable in their own rights, but they make up for it by being either badass (in Potter's case) or hilarious (in Billy's case).

But Harry (Harry ...) has no redeeming value once you look beyond his attractive face. This bitch.
  • First, he falls in some freezing water like a n00b and ruins George's ear.
  • Second, he takes all of George's college money for himself and leaves George at the garbage-pail Building and Loan.
  • Third, when he's supposed to come back and help George out, he comes back with a surprise wife and ditches him at the B&L yet again!
  • Fourth, he invites his mom to meet the President's wife but not George! Don't you think George deserves to go to the White House, Harry???
Seriously, what a little brother. And I say this as a youngest sibling. Who cares if George was "born older" and is more responsible than Harry? Doesn't he deserve nice things? Why does he have to have a mental breakdown to get any attention? I seriously resent Harry Bailey.

Maybe I'm jaded because I've watched this movie every year since I've been alive. I used to hate Uncle Billy the most (he is truly awful/stupid and should never be trusted with money, or anything really, ever) but his drunken silliness has grown on me over the years. Harry has had the opposite effect. While I was once neutral toward him, my neutrality has morphed into full-on hatred. My man-friend emphasized to me (after seeing IAWL for the first time this year) that the moral of the story is that doing good is more important than doing well but that Harry's not a bad guy because he got opportunities to do well. I disagree. Harry's a selfish turd and that's that.

The End.

Jeff's Top 5 Trees of 2010

Hi! I’m one of the three Jeffs on Videogum, and if there is one thing I love more than trees, it is probably a lot of things—nevertheless, trees are an ever-present item on my yearly list of things I adore (usually below “sandwich makers” but higher than “wool hats”). And, like everything I've ever loved, I’m going to rank them subjectively on a blog. Here are my Top 5 Trees of 2010 in ascending—or, if you are reading this while upside down, completely indecipherable—order.

5) Stupid Zoo Tree That Didn’t Even Have Any Dumb Animals In It

I took a picture of this dumb tree at the Oregon Zoo in 35 degree (Fahrenheit!) weather one Saturday at 8pm. I realize it was very late in the evening (and how most caged animals are total SNL heads), but it is preposterous there weren’t at least three monkeys in it. At that point I'd have even accepted an animatronic rhinoceros! The tree remains on this list due to cronyism.

4) This Christmas Tree I Found On The 8th Page Of My Google Image Search For “Christmas Tree”

I don’t know the context of this image but it is just delightful. Why do you think he’s wearing so much red? I bet that’s just his favorite color. I also bet for this guy to be the absolute life of my New Year’s party, and a strong contender in 2011.

3) This Tree I Just Drew

My favorite aspect of this tree is its versatility. Already it is living on a planet with no atmosphere and a soil made of lemon meringue pie, but all I have to do is ask nicely (pro-tip: don’t ask it if you “can” use the bathroom) and it will gladly support the weight of a Snooki and a Michael Cera .png.

And doesn’t it look like it’s dancing?? A lively personality is one of the most important things I look for in a tree, which brings me to…

2) Wendy

This 135-year-old deciduous from Oregon is the Tree of Life…of the PARTY!!! Not only can Wendy spin a fantastic yarn about her travels abroad in college, she also has some ingenious macaroni recipes, and once relayed to me detailed instructions on making a water purifier out of just seven egg cartons. My passion for Wendy is equaled only by Wendy’s passion for accessorizing and photosynthesis. And also my passion for the next tree.

1) This One Tree From My Backyard

Although this tree began the decade in a very rough position after I fell 15 feet from one of its Triscuit™-esque branches, it is—to borrow a phrase from a guy wearing a suit on my television—the political comeback story of 2010, Nancy. Over the summer, I discovered it to be a great source for Wi-Fi, so long as I had the courage and/or trauma-inflicted memory loss required to climb past the 30-foot mark from which I had previously fallen. Its stark beauty allowed me to add an exotic flair to everyday activities; whether I was using it as a backdrop for a video conference call or as a seat in which to view a live-stream of @diplo shirtless on a roof in Cambodia, I was doing so with an elegance usually reserved for someone video-chatting from a golf cart. And although falling literally one jillion feet from an object is usually grounds for its disqualification, This One Tree From My Backyard came to an impressive finish in 2010.

I hope you've enjoyed these last seven hours! I would like to tie this all together with joke, but as they say in Oregon, I'm going to eat some cereal instead. Bye guys!!!