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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You Can Make It Up: Ghostdad Edition

Kevin Bacon Made Me A Hero at a Local Dairy Queen:

I had been nearing the end of a long and grueling day of trying on pants at the local shopping mall. I was beat. I decided that I would be better off getting dinner out instead of slaving over a hot stove at my humble abode. So I did what any red blooded America would...I waddled my pre-diabetic ass over to the nearest fast food establishment, namely Dairy Queen.

Apparently, fat minds think alike because there was a line practically out the door of the place. I took the deepest sigh in the history of sighs and prepared to wait it out. A moment later I heard the door swing open yet again and rolled my eyes over at the next troglodyte trying to fill their big dumb face with Blizzards and chicken sandwiches. Much to my surprise it wasn't a big asshole American was a big American icon. Kevin. Motherfucking. Bacon. He was alone and making no effort to conceal his identity. He flashed that "Footloose" smile and slid in right behind me. I debated internally over whether or not to say anything to him. Right as shoulder Angel was extolling the virtues of letting famous people have their privacy and shoulder Devil was trying to make his witty retort, I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I spin around and find myself face to face with the Baconator.

Kevin: "Um...hi. Excuse me. I know this is strange but I was wondering if perhaps you had change for a $100 bill?"

Me: "Uh, I don't know. Let me check..."

Now of course I didn't have change for $100. I had $20 to my name...hence being in a Dairy Queen and not a classier restaurant, like an Olive Garden or Black Angus. But I desperately wanted to help out Mr. Bacon. So I feebly rifled through my wallet, trying to will my singles into twenties. I sighed the second biggest sigh in the history of sighs and rolled my head back around towards the direction of the nearest Hollywood legend...

Me: "Jeez, you know what, man...I don't think I do. I'm sorry".

Kevin: "Well, here's the thing. I'm with the kids...(ed note: at this point he gestured with his head towards the mall parking lot next door, at a BMW convertible with that lady from The Closer and some kids sitting in it)...and Kevin Jr. is really riding my balls to get him a candy bar from the vending machine. I really just need a dollar bill."

Me: "Oh, well...I have some dollars. You can just have one."

Then Kevin Bacon made a face that one can only describe as "heavenly" and put his hand on my shoulder and then said "Wow. That is so generous of you. I'll tell you want an autograph?". I said "Of course. That would be great" and then he proceeded to pull a sharpie out of the back pocket of an immaculately pressed pair of cotton Dockers. And then...holy fuck, guess what he did? HE SIGNED THE GODDAMN $100 BILL AND GAVE IT TO ME! AND THEN THE MOTHERFUCKER WINKED AT ME!

Then, like some sort of creepy angel or boogety Nosferatu-type man, he was gone in a flash. I clutched the $100 bill to my chest and then held it up to the light to examine it. I noticed a little note written on the bottom I hadn't seen him write and it simply said "use this to be a hero for these the people I was a hero for in the motion picture Footloose". I thought about this and then felt a surge of adrenaline rush through me, like a Mother heaving a car crushing her child or a guy sitting up after getting kicked in the nuts. I said in a loud, booming voice "PEOPLE OF DAIRY QUEEN! BLIZZARDS ON ME!" while hoisting the $100 into the heavens. I was greeted with a chorus of cheers and frankly, a few tears. The mob parted like the Red Sea when Moses did that thing from that one movie with the gun nut guy in it and I sauntered over to the register and said "43 Blizzards, please!". Just then I felt a tug on my jeans and looked down to see a little girl, no more than 4 years old. She motioned for me to lean my head down and said "and one hot dog, please. Sir?". An eerie silence crept over the crowd, as if she had maybe pushed things too far. Would this young man with such a generous heart be THAT generous? Things like this were being thought.

I pat the little girl on the head and said, "Well, of course, sweetheart. Of course". I told the Dairy Queen lady to add a hot dog to the order and the crowd went ape shit. I paid with the Bacon money and felt a twinge of sadness that the cost of being a hero meant parting with his beautiful autograph. The lady then gave me my change and I fled to the exits while being mobbed for hand shakes, pats on the back and offers for blowjobs in the back alley. I simply waved at the crowd and said "Enjoy, everybody! And if you want to. Don't let anybody stop you from dancing". This confused more than inspired and I used the collective stupor of deciphering these words as my chance to escape.

Outside in the parking lot I collected myself and began putting my change away. I noticed some strange writing on a dollar bill and decided to take a closer look at it. Lo and behold it was an autograph...KEVIN FUCKING BACON'S AUTOGRAPH. It had returned like a jilted lover in the dead of night who forgot her birth control bills on your dresser. Underneath his perfect John Hancock read a note. It said:

"I owed you this".

I wasn't sure if he meant the autograph or the dollar bill...or both. And I kind of got frustrated trying to figure it out. I then said "well, fuck it. Today was pretty cool I guess" and then I took the bus home.