This site does not represent the views of

Bear with us while we get this organized. This site does not represent the views of Send submissions to Send tips to if they are not posted there, wait a while & send them to Take care, Stay Awesome.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Monster Fit Club - Week 7

Hey you guys, shellbomber here. Nightmare is absent from MFC school today. I think she's doing something else? I'm not sure.

Soooo, how did this week go for everyone? Last week I had a slight problem staying on the wagon when it pulled into SocialSituation town (pop. everyone else). This week my booty is firmly placed in the driver's seat, seatbelt fastened. I'm now 14 el bees down. I'll try on my purposefully-ordered-too-small wedding dress again when I hit an even 20.


This past week is also when I started using Alli, or as it's better known, The Diet Pill That Makes You Shit Your Pants. For those of you who doesn't keep abreast of all the latest OTC diet pill news, Alli is the first and only FDA-approved over-the-counter weight loss aid. It works by blocking the enzyme that breaks down fat in your stomach. That fat cannot be absorbed by your body, and it's sent down the poop shoot. The catch is that if you eat too much fat, over 15 grams or so per meal, your body cannot handle all the lard greasing up your colon and you shit your pants.

As a former hardcore distance runner, I'm all too familiar with limited bowel control. That part didn't scare me off. BUT! There are also other side effects. Alli sends the undigested fat into your poo in the form of oil. Like, literal oil. Like, the toilet water looks like a bottle of salad dressing that your forgot you had in the fridge until you moved and oh god it expired last March and now it's all separated gross. Also when you fart, some of that oily stuff (which is orange, btw) can sneak out onto your Hanes Her Way HiCut Briefs.

That being said, this drug is really working for me in a kinda off-label way. I take Alli when I'm eating my perfectly portioned healthy lunch, sure, but I ALSO take it when I'm in the presence of someone eating yummy smelling delish food. Are you following me? Let's say that I meet a fellow monster for lunch and order a spinach salad with balsamic vinegarette with a side of self-shaming and Alli. Let's say my monster friend (I'm looking at you, Michael D) orders a fried shrimp po'boy (mmmmmmmm!) and asks me if I want a bite. NOPE, NOT SHITTING MY PANTS IN PUBLIC THANK YOU VERY MUCH. This also works when your fiance orders pizza and you can still smell it even in the other room with a Snuggie over your head.

Has anyone ever tried Alli? Is there something else that's really working for you?


  1. Man, I thought when you said TMI, it was going to be about having lingerie pillow fights or something. I have to read closer next time.

  2. So after almost year of aggressive videogumming, I will finally get back into training for marathons. I will share my plans and such here if anybody cares. I will also post pics of penis. Wait is this were you post pics of your penis? Fine, I'll just share my training and such.

  3. First of all, thank you for taking the reins for me on MFC today.

    Second, OMG, I almost pissed my pants reading this b/c I was laughing so hard.

    Third, I lost 3 lbs this week for a total of 12 lbs!

    Fourth, I made a playlist for you guys, but I will just post it in next week's post!

  4. So I;m still doing very well, down 1.8lbs this week for a total of 8.8 lbs. I'm gunning for another 3.2 this month for an even 12 in two months. Feeling postive I can do it.

    Also, wow, no kidding with the TMI. The only thing that comes close to that is when I was in India I got Delhi belly and at one point I was pooping orange water, not too pleasant...

  5. I'm down 62 lb's but I'm pretty sure the scales I used at this party were broken, or I was leaning against the wall vomiting, or perhaps they were on a carpet or something. I was too drunk to remember.

  6. Last week was a bit of a wash for me exercise-wise, as I got sick and was out of commission for a couple of days.
    That said, the swimming I have done is going really well. I've started to put together all of the elements I was working on individually (kicking, balance, posture in the water, breathing rhythm), so I'm doing full laps of complete connected strokes.
    Congrats everybody!
    My rhythm is pretty shit, and I am bad at going in straight lines, but I've already noticed my endurance is starting to improve.

  7. Ooh, I hate Alli for all of the reasons you listed above. I also made Teach quit using it--it grossed me out too bad. I'm sure it's better if you're more diligent about the program.

  8. Hey y'all, not much to report over here, though I did sneak in a morning workout like I promised. I am not sure that this will become a regular fixture in the lengli household, though: as I said, I'm a notorious lazybones in the morning, and I almost fell asleep during my ab work. I've of course give it another chance, especially on days where I know I won't be able to squeeze in an evening workout.

    In other news, I've been doing a crappy job of keeping track of calories this week. I think this is probably inevitable since I certainly don't intend on inputting my meals into a phone app for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't think I'm sage enough just yet to go cold turkey on that, so this week I'm going to focus on keeping it up. Still working out 5-6 days a week and endurance is up, feeling strong--all good things!

  9. I just want to say that the sentence "Like, the toilet water looks like a bottle of salad dressing that your forgot you had in the fridge until you moved and oh god it expired last March and now it's all separated gross." made me laugh so hard that I could barely breathe. That is all.

  10. As far as I can tell, my weight is holding. Photographic evidence suggests a marked improvement in the shape of my face. I still have lots of work to do.