Tonight, as you may be aware, the 83rd Academy Awards
ceremony will be taking place in Hollywood, California. The Academy Awards,
commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” are sort of like the Grammys but for
movies. Every year a bunch of celebrities and industry types dress up in rented
clothing and jewelry #literally chosen for them by Rachael Zoe, sit in a large
auditorium, and masturbate their egos for 12 to 18 hours. Every couple of hours
someone is given an award for excellence or other favorable trait then they go
do something fancy afterward. It is a very exciting time! Millions of uninteresting
people who live their lives vicariously through celebrities will be watching so
you probably should too in order to keep your water cooler banter sharp this
week.
There really isn’t even one aspect of this thing NOT to
hate. Since you likely need no help, I present here only a very small fraction
of the reasons you’ll be hate watching.
