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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Hater’s Guide to the 83rd Academy Awards

Tonight, as you may be aware, the 83rd Academy Awards ceremony will be taking place in Hollywood, California. The Academy Awards, commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” are sort of like the Grammys but for movies. Every year a bunch of celebrities and industry types dress up in rented clothing and jewelry #literally chosen for them by Rachael Zoe, sit in a large auditorium, and masturbate their egos for 12 to 18 hours. Every couple of hours someone is given an award for excellence or other favorable trait then they go do something fancy afterward. It is a very exciting time! Millions of uninteresting people who live their lives vicariously through celebrities will be watching so you probably should too in order to keep your water cooler banter sharp this week.

There really isn’t even one aspect of this thing NOT to hate. Since you likely need no help, I present here only a very small fraction of the reasons you’ll be hate watching.
The Red Carpet Coverage: I usually don’t like to make grandiose generalizations about the shortcomings of American society; I love to make them. Our obsession with who looks hot or fug on their way into an auditorium though a corridor of bleachers filled with screaming fans is basically why there are dudes in other countries trying to blow our asses up. Thank you, Academy Awards.

The Presenters: This Franco/Hathaway paring is rather bizarre to me. Are they trying to skew young? Does everyone owe James Franco a favor? Anne Hathaway is funny? The numbers just don’t add up. Plus, Franco is nominated for one of the top awards of the night. Is he going to sneak into the crowd and take a seat for his category? Seems like a logistical nightmare.

Best Picture: I have only seen six Best Picture noms. That is like maybe half. I dunno, I lost count because every fucking movie is nominated nowadays. Wait, what? No love for Yogi Bear in 3D? What a rip, my mom said Justin Timberlake was delightful!
127 Hours: Any film with the tagline “A Triumphant True Story” is bullshit. Danny Boyle is bullshit. The term “canyoneering” is bullshit.

Black Swan: Only thing I remember about this movie is all the gross fingernail shots. Oh, and the trite plot.

The Fighter: Mark Wahlberg.

Inception: Everyone that watches this goes all pseudo-intellectual for like three days. I suppose that is an indictment of everyone and not necessarily of the film but I still blame it. My totem while navigating these conversations is a cyanide pill.

The Kids Are All Right: Celebrating a movie about a non-traditional family does not make you a better person. It only makes you a smug asshole person for thinking that.

The King’s Speech: Fa-f-f-f-fa-f-fucking b-b-ba-ba-b-b-boring. Also, How terrible was Timothy Spall is in this movie? He is so cartoonish and hacky it is unbelievable. Stupid ass Wormtail always be makin' things worse. 
The Social Network: Couldn’t care less whether or not Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook. I don’t like Facebook. I don’t like rich people. I don’t like nerds. This movie was clearly not made with me in mind, very inconsiderate.

Toy Story 3: This is a children’s movie. Grow up!

True Grit: Unrealistically precocious youths are just unbearable. Do adults actually relate to these characters? I guess the stupid ones maybe.

Winter’s Bone: I do not even know one thing about this film but I am confident it has a lot less dicks in it than the title implies.

Best Director: “This film’s success is due to the hard work and dedication of hundreds of people and millions if not tens of millions of dollars in financial backing but I’m totally okay with taking all the credit.” – Theoretically great acceptance speech bone of these guys will say.

Darren Aronofsky: I get it; you like to use tight shots of people’s gross bodies. I’m pretty sure the next Wolverine film is going to just be two hours of skin peeling and ripping then healing.

Coen Brothers: Look, I’ll admit it, these dudes are kind of hard to hate on. That doesn’t mean I can’t question why it’s fair for a movie directed by twice as many people as its competitors to be nominated for the same award. That’s some BS.

David Fincher: Every frat bro’s fav director. Chug a BEAST if he wins.

Tom Hooper: Don’t know much about this dude. Only other things of his I’ve seen are John Adams and that movie about Brian Clough’s ugly suits. They were also quite a bore.

David O. Russell: I Huckabees (see also: Mark Wahlberg).

Best Actor/Actress, Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Here are my predictions. Colin Firth and his new botox face win Best Actor. Annette Benning wins Best Actress and makes a tiresome political statement. Christian Bale wins Supporting Actor and 75% of American viewers say, “I didn’t know he was from England.” Helena Bonham Carter wins Supporting Actress and is whimsical.

Best Writing – Original Screenplay/Adapted Screenplay: These two awards kind of excite me because I hold out hope that one day the winners of Original Screenplay will start shit with the winners of Adapted Screenplay. I mean, I totally would! Those unoriginal losers had source material!

Best Animated Feature: This category might actually be more

Best Foreign Language Film: This category should be sponsored by Netflix because the winner will be in everyone’s queue by 10:30 a.m. Monday.

Best Documentary – Feature, Best Documentary – Short Subject, Best Live Action Short Film, Best Animated Short Film, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Makeup, Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing, Best Visual Effects: 
Shut up, nerds!

Gwyneth Paltrow is performing: Gwyneth Paltrow is performing.

Hope you don’t enjoy the show! If you have beef, let me know with a comment, an email to, or a tweet @_wwwest.


  1. The game just got more FIERCE.

  2. "This movie was clearly not made with me in mind, very inconsiderate." Is my totem