REALTALK: I read Christian fiction. Not all the time but enough to be a totally embarrassing point of interest.
More specifically, Christian romance novels. They mostly read like lighthearted lifetime movies about career gals who realize they secretly want to be married. Only also they pray about it, and the prayers are usually italicized.
My favorite author is Robin Jones Gunn. One time, I found a signed copy of one of her books at the friends of the library book sale. She had signed in orange glitter pen, which makes sense since these books are metaphorically written in glitter pen. $0.50. It made me tremendously happy and I couldn’t share it with anyone because then they’d know my secret shame. I also read Amish romance novels but that is a tale for another time.
So anyway I was poking around the religious books in a book store when I noticed a stack of some series that appeared to be about christian filmmakers or something. I couldn’t really tell because the back of the book was just a giant, marginless author photo.
So I bought it on abebooks and settled in to read it.
It turns out that book is INSANE and I literally threw it in the garbage rather than donate it.
The blurbs at the front of the book are incredibly grandiose statements about the life changing effects of reading these books. One woman says that this author should be in the bill of rights, which is a statement open to interpretation. Her name should be in it? All 40 of her novels should be in it?
It opens with page long letters to every member of her family and she has like 9 kids. Then, there's a section explaining something called “forever in fiction” which is where, for the price of $10,000 she will work the deceased person of your choice into one of her books as a memorial to them. 2 characters in this book are dead people who’s loved ones raised $10,000 so they could be in this stupid book!! I wish they hadn't told me that; it’s very creepy. Then the actual book is of course horrible. But not even fun horrible. The reason I buy Christian romance novels is because they are horrible in that abcfamilychannel “will this boy hold my hand?” kind of way. This is just THE WORST. Poorly written, nothing happens, and I can't separate the reading experience from the deeply unsettling knowledge that grief has lead people to throw away so much money on a piece of garbage. YOU CAN NEVER BE IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS KAREN KINGSBURY. LIKE THAT IS EVEN A THING. YOU CAN’T JUST PAY $10,000 TO BE IN WHATEVER DOCUMENT YOU WANT.
