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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Jeff's Top 5 Trees of 2010

Hi! I’m one of the three Jeffs on Videogum, and if there is one thing I love more than trees, it is probably a lot of things—nevertheless, trees are an ever-present item on my yearly list of things I adore (usually below “sandwich makers” but higher than “wool hats”). And, like everything I've ever loved, I’m going to rank them subjectively on a blog. Here are my Top 5 Trees of 2010 in ascending—or, if you are reading this while upside down, completely indecipherable—order.

5) Stupid Zoo Tree That Didn’t Even Have Any Dumb Animals In It

I took a picture of this dumb tree at the Oregon Zoo in 35 degree (Fahrenheit!) weather one Saturday at 8pm. I realize it was very late in the evening (and how most caged animals are total SNL heads), but it is preposterous there weren’t at least three monkeys in it. At that point I'd have even accepted an animatronic rhinoceros! The tree remains on this list due to cronyism.

4) This Christmas Tree I Found On The 8th Page Of My Google Image Search For “Christmas Tree”

I don’t know the context of this image but it is just delightful. Why do you think he’s wearing so much red? I bet that’s just his favorite color. I also bet for this guy to be the absolute life of my New Year’s party, and a strong contender in 2011.

3) This Tree I Just Drew

My favorite aspect of this tree is its versatility. Already it is living on a planet with no atmosphere and a soil made of lemon meringue pie, but all I have to do is ask nicely (pro-tip: don’t ask it if you “can” use the bathroom) and it will gladly support the weight of a Snooki and a Michael Cera .png.

And doesn’t it look like it’s dancing?? A lively personality is one of the most important things I look for in a tree, which brings me to…

2) Wendy

This 135-year-old deciduous from Oregon is the Tree of Life…of the PARTY!!! Not only can Wendy spin a fantastic yarn about her travels abroad in college, she also has some ingenious macaroni recipes, and once relayed to me detailed instructions on making a water purifier out of just seven egg cartons. My passion for Wendy is equaled only by Wendy’s passion for accessorizing and photosynthesis. And also my passion for the next tree.

1) This One Tree From My Backyard

Although this tree began the decade in a very rough position after I fell 15 feet from one of its Triscuit™-esque branches, it is—to borrow a phrase from a guy wearing a suit on my television—the political comeback story of 2010, Nancy. Over the summer, I discovered it to be a great source for Wi-Fi, so long as I had the courage and/or trauma-inflicted memory loss required to climb past the 30-foot mark from which I had previously fallen. Its stark beauty allowed me to add an exotic flair to everyday activities; whether I was using it as a backdrop for a video conference call or as a seat in which to view a live-stream of @diplo shirtless on a roof in Cambodia, I was doing so with an elegance usually reserved for someone video-chatting from a golf cart. And although falling literally one jillion feet from an object is usually grounds for its disqualification, This One Tree From My Backyard came to an impressive finish in 2010.

I hope you've enjoyed these last seven hours! I would like to tie this all together with joke, but as they say in Oregon, I'm going to eat some cereal instead. Bye guys!!!


  1. Great comeback, This One Tree From My Backyard!

  2. Lepidothamnus laxifolius is shut out yet again.

  3. Make that four Jeffs on Videogum.

  4. In my list of top 5 tree climbers, Jeff is second only to these goats:

  5. This article was TREEmendous.

    Huh? What? Ok. I've been asked to shoot myself for making that pun. Sorry.

  6. It's ok, FLW. Just try to BRANCH out next time.

  7. I remember a time when I was able to write a pun as great as that, but I diGRASS.

  8. Great post, Jeff-5 is alive! Just kidding. You're not a robot, otherwise I'd be BARKing up the wrong inanimate object.

  9. I love this post, but I can't think of a pun so I guess I'll LEAF.