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Friday, December 3, 2010

Things Gabe Didn't Get Around To This Week: 12/3/10

Welcome to the first installment of "Things Gabe Didn't Get Around To This Week", sponsored by Monster Energy™.

This week, Gabe neglected to Re-Cap America's Fastest Growing Real-i-tv™ sensation, "America's Got Healthcare". In his stead, we now present our re-cap for "America's Got Healthcare" for the week of 12/3/10:

Here's a rundown of what happened this week:

Hello, America! This is Barack Obama and THIS is...(crowd chants along) AMERICA'S GOT HEALTHCARE! You know how it works, America! We bring up a crop of people who need healthcare and our panel of celebrity judges decides who moves on to the next round and, say it with me, (crowd chants along) "GETS FREE HEALTHCARE!". Now this week things are heating up. There are only 3 more spots left and a whole new batch of contestants so let's get things started! Let's bring out our first contestant...Edith Jackson!


Now, Edith here is a maid for a family in Savannah, Georgia. In her spare time she enjoys being a stereotype and writing letters to magazines. Do your thang, Edith!

WHAT'S UP, D.C?!?!?!?! (HOOTING, HOLLERING) Can you all say "cataracts"?! (LACKLUSTER CHANT OF "CATARACTS"). I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I SAID, "CAN Y'ALL SAY CATARACTS?!" (PEOPLE LOSING THEIR SHIT AND SAYING CATARACTS!). No, seriously. I can't hear you guys...cause in addition to the cataracts my hearing is nearly gone. I need at least one hearing aid. Also, I have athlete's foot, I think. And...what else? Um, my back hurts a lot. That's not too good. I have to use a heating pad. I think that's about it really...goodnight!


BRITISH FAT GUY: Look, Edith. I appreciate your enthusiasm. You have a real "rappin' Granny" type spirit about you and if this were a casting call for some Adam Sandler movie I'd say yes. (audience boos and hisses) But I don't see any blood or bruises, you are standing on your own without aid and you can still form nearly full sentences so...I'm going to have to pass. (audience boos and hisses)
DAVID HASSELHOFF: Well, I was going to say no for similar reasons to other sane judge but...apparently the audience didn't enjoy his comments too much and I can't afford anymore bad P.R. So....yes?

Haha! Congrats, Edith. Ok. Well, let's take a quick break and see who will be joining Edith in the Winner's Circle aka Dr. Syndey Goldberg's Family Practice in Biloxi, Mississippi. Thanks for sponsoring us, Doc and don't forget while you are in Biloxi to check out Dr. Goldberg's Family Practice. "He'll cure your Biloxi blacks AND BLUES". We'll be right back.