LBT's Generic Book Corner: Jane Eyre

Rumor has it there is another movie version of Jane Eyre coming out (j/k, I have had this marked down in my Hello Kitty dayplanner for months!), so why not talk about it, I asked myself while hiding in the women's room at work and desperately brainstorming ways to put off unpleasant tasks (j/k again, I love my job (Hi Howie, the company computer guy! Your beard is awesome, but not as awesome as YOU!)). So, in other words: Stop! Jane Eyre time!

I have to be honest: I have the distinct feeling I have already discussed this book, but a brief search did not show any results. If so, you should still read this because I am still going to post it, and I do hope to be funny. People like funny, right? (wipes flopsweat)



Jane Eyre tells the story of Jane Eyre, who goes by the name of Jane Eyre. Because this is a gothic novel, she is poor and has a harrowing childhood. She begins the story living with an aunt and her cousins (who are jerks), along with her aunt's servants (not quite as jerkish) until she has a GHOSTLY experience and then goes away to school. Being a Victorian gothic novel, this is not exactly an improvement, unless you are a fan of tuberculosis. Then count your lucky stars, have I got a place for you!

After 8 years at Lowood School, she sets off to be a governess (!) at Thornfield Hall (!!), under the employ of Mr. Rochester (!!!) (aka one of the biggest douchebags ever. More on that later.) I have to give a warning to the three people who are still reading: if you EVER find yourself in a Victorian gothic novel, never be a governess. The best that can happen is being impregnated out of wedlock and forced into a shameful life as a slattern hussy in the city. And no one wants that! But I digress. Jane has one pupil, Adele, who may or may not be Rochester's lovechild. There was no Maury back then, so there was no way to know for sure. Anyway, Mr. Rochester is very mysterious, and there is something afoot at Thornfield Hall with Grace Poole (scare chord).
Something happens! Someone tries to set Rochester on fire! I have never supported any literary act more in my life. Phantom character, I salute you. Jane stops that foolishness, and they have a Moment.

You see, Jane has become smitten with his eminent assface, Rochester that Douche. Rochester is canoodling with Blanch Ingram (it is made fairly clear that she is only interested in his money, and he is more interested in playing doucheriffic mindgames with our Jane. They are both fairly douchey, and I wish they had ran off together to doucheville). There is a mysterious visitor who is later attached by a person unknown who Jane assumes is the aforementioned Grace Poole. Other stuff, other stuff, other stuff, Jane yells at Rochester and then they are engaged. Phew! Still with me (probably not).

Because I fear spoilers, I will only say that Rochester has a SECRET, and Jane leaves him (yay), meets up with some Deus ex machina cousins, becomes rich, and returns to Rochester (boo!), and they live happily ever after.

It may not sound like it, but I love this book very much. I am a sucker for Victorian fiction, I am a sucker for gothic fiction, and I am a sucker the Brontes. The only way this book could be better is if Rochester was a clown, and Cthulhu ate him in the end (note: contact a publisher regarding that idea).

Additionally, I love Jane Eyre. First off, I am a fairly plain lady (I know, I know. The presses are stopped, the phones are held, etc.), and Jane is somewhat a role model for the not very pretty. Not to make this therapygum, but so often when I mention that I am plain people respond as if I either paid myself the gravest insult or am fishing for compliments, as opposed to stating a fact. I really like that she recognizes it, and while it is not something she likes, she deals with it (I need to make a Jane Eyre dealwithitglasses.gif). Jane is also fairly badass. She won't take your sass. Well, you can say it, but she will do what needs doing anyway. I love the character of Jane.

Rochester, however......I do not think it is possible for me to express how much I dislike this character. I could say it every hour of every day for the rest of my life, and still not come close to expressing the amount of loathing I have for him. I have to admit that the Byronic antihero has never done it for me, and I will say right now that if you think Heathcliffe is a romantic lead, I really question your judgement. Watching Jane end up with him is a little like watching a friend date a someone you know is an ass. Only, you know, fictionally.