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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

GLAMOUR! with Kira!

Hi, Monsters!
I'm Kira!
I'm caringiscool on Videogum, and kirabira on the Twitters. You might not recognize me from Videogum. That's because I never comment anymore, and even when I did, I wasn't an All-Star. I was never in the Monsters Ball, and also did most of my commenting before Monsters Ball was EVEN IN EXISTENCE. (Is that a humblebrag? Or an unbrag? I'm just saying I am an Olde Tyme Monster.)
Whatever, it's cool. Don't cry for me, Gumgentina! We can't all be Godsauce or Werttrew. As a musty old dude once said, "They also serve who only post overly earnest responses to Seriousgum stuff and every once in a while post a comment that is nearly identical to something someone else posted earlier." (That is a direct quote, I am certain of it.) ANYWAY. I am better suited to Twitter, and I'm all up in that bitch's guts like WHAAAAT. But I have also been really enjoying the evolution of the Monster Community and pondering ways that I could participate more. I've been doing some brainstorming!
I have several areas of expertise. They include, but are not limited to:
1) the behavior and digestion of my dog, Adzuki Bean, who is famous because he is one of the original puppy cam dogs, but hasn't let that go to his head.
2) books about magic, dragons, swords, bodices, etc.
3) being a half-assed housewife
4) Pilates, a little bit, because I'm training to be an teacher, and will HOPEFULLY figure out a way to teach mat classes to Monster Fit Club people via webcam. Maybe. Someday.
7) HAIR!
Looking at my areas of expertise, I decided the following...
1) Gabe has Shiba watching covered. FINE. Scratch.
2) Um...I don't think anyone wants to read recaps of the chapters in my dragon books, but I'm happy to oblige, I guess. Holla at ya wench, dragonheads!
3) Meh. That's what Twitter is for. How can we forget my gripping coverage of Showergates 1&2?! We can't. We must never forget.
4) Literally no.
So, yeah! I want to talk to the laydeez, about laydeez things. (Also men, who like to talk about what are narrowly defined as laydeez things, but who are trying to smash that stereotype like so much soggy papier-mache. I SALUTE YOU, MEN.) I'm going to bring you a fashion corner, where I will discuss items I bought, share product reviews, tackle tough issues like "Mineral Make-up: Lightweight Healthy Skin Miracle OR Pore-Clogging NIGHTMARE???", and do reviews of magazines that I read or street fashion pictures and stuff. I'm even considering liveblogging a shopping trip, where I will take photos of everything I try on, no matter how ridiculous it looks. (Easy there, Kira. Slow your roll. PACE YOURSELF.)
Sounds fun, right??? Yes. So fun.
Today is just about laying out my agenda, but my first SERIOUS post (v. serious, so so so serious it is INSANE) will be product reviews, of products old and new that I love. I encourage all interested parties (male or female! No judgement, lovebugs!) to participate, comment, share their feelings (v. serious feelings.) I will post that tomorrow!
Okay, see you guys tomorrow, unless you purposely avoid my column because you hate me!
(A brief, navel-gazing side note, for anyone who is still reading... I have a conflicted relationship with all things related to beauty, consumerism, fashion, etc. I deeply resent the ways we're manipulated into believing that we need these things in order to be beautiful or desirable. I absolutely know that The Beauty Myth is an artificial construct that is warping our minds, our self-images, and even killing people. And yet!
I cannot get away from the Barbie part of my mind that eagerly awaits my monthly issue of Lucky Magazine, and wonders if there is, somewhere, a perfect brand and cut of jean, made just for me, that will solve all my problems. It is a painful dichotomy [v. painful, the most painful thing anyone has every wrestled with, probably] but there it is. I am an intelligent woman who recognizes the coerciveness of the beauty and advertising industries, while also really enjoying the hunt for The Perfect Lipstick. My column will hopefully address both sides of this. I am like a watered down version of The Hairpin, with sloppier writing. Love! See your faces tomorrow, hopefully!)


  1. So on a scale from one to ten, how many explosions and bare-knuckled fist fights will each column have?

  2. You guys, I know nothing about any of this, really. I wash my face with bar soap. I wear gray sweaters a lot because they seem like they are least not a fashion mistake. BUT I can tell you that I have met Kira in real life and her hair is OFF THE CHARTS amazing. That is not hyperbole. It is fact.

  3. FLW: There will be tons of explosions OF COLOR! and bare-knuckle fist fights WITH THE BEAUTY MYTH! Eh? Eh? Good, right?

    Kel: Oh, you. There is a place in 'GLAMOUR! with Kira!' for everyone, regardless of the seriousness of their interest in GLAMOUS! And I can't take any credit for my glorious hair. It is genetics and a skilled stylist.

  4. "GLAMOUS! with Kira!" is a side project. I can't talk about it yet.

  5. Is this column the most excited thing to happen to me this week? Yes it is.

  6. Dear Kira,

    I recently had a come-to-jesus about the skin under my eyes. I have skin white as the driven snow with a healthy sprinkling of freckles. At some point in the last few months, freckles started to appear under my eyes, like in the spot where the bags are. And also now there are little lines there too. That is not good? I probably need something moisturizing with SPF that is $30 or less. I am 27. Plz advise.


    P.S. I've included a picture of my eye. I hope that helps.

  7. I have never read one of those books about dragons and swords but I would love to read any review you did of this genre. I bet I would love it.

  8. Yes, Kira! I would love to hear your opinions on beauteez nutz. I very (very very very) rarely wear makeup because it makes my skin go BANANAS, but I think that mainly has to do with the fact that I can't really afford anything better than Rite Aid brand knockoffs. And also I'm just scared of it.

    (But shellbomber, I can tell you that Oil of Olay [yup] has a decent lightweight SPF face moisturizer that at least won't damage your skin any further. As a white befreckled woman myself, it at least makes me feel like I'm doing something right.)

  9. this is exciting! also, i have met kira's dog and he is a little bit of a diva. #realtalk

  10. shell: I'm pretty meh about eye cream, in general, honestly. I've never tried a brand that didn't end up getting inSIDE my eyes and blinding me. I prefer to just spread a little of my regular moisturizer on the tender baby under eye skin. I feel like I've read the eye cream and regular cream are the same thing anyway and it's all just marketing mumbo-jumbo, like SPF over 45 and stuff.

    As Superglue said, I have heard great stuff about the Oil of Olay anti-aging stuff. It's one of the few drugstore brands that consistently gets praise in fancy pants magazines for really working. They have this eye stuff that comes in a pen thing with these cool rolling ball bearings in the tip that is fun to apply.

    If you like more hippie products, which is something I enjoy, Weleda and Burt's Bees both have nice under eye night creams that aren't a kajillion dollars.

    I find that my undereye skin doesn't appreciate having special creams on it, day and night, so if *I* were you, I'd try a nighttime cream that focuses on repair, and just be careful to focus a little gentle moisturizing&SPF lovin' on my under eye area in the AM time. Also, wear big-ass sunglasses that filter out the UV rays. I attribute my largely wrinkle-free eye area (30+ years YOUNG!) to wearing comically large sunglasses during my 20s.

  11. I am very excited about this! I love make up and shopping, y'all! This reminds me that at Pinkgum I want to do MAKEOVERS!

    But, Kira, you shouldn't scratch the pilates web cam class for MFC. THAT WOULD AWESOME!

  12. Yael: You hush up. My pup is PERFECTION.

    Nightie: I'm just concerned about finding a way to teach it that doesn't hurt anyone. I want to get a little further along in my training before I do it. Since I won't be there to lay my meaty goon hands on you to correct your form, I need to get better at talking people through it, so no one injures themselves. But I'm trying to fast track the idea. I think it would be fun!

  13. I would e-pilates with you guys, definitely.
    And I already talk with you about my hair, kira, you've done wonders for me! Congrats on your new column, dah-ling! MWAH!

  14. Why is cosmetic equipment so medieval? Eyelash curlers = eyelid guillotines. Mascara wand = elongated morningstar.

    Please advise, oh glamorous one!