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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 16: Season 1 Finale

After the jump, the conclusion to Season 1 of "Gums of Our Lives"
“Let me repeat. Y’all are trespassin’.”
Mountains Beyond Mountains stared at the two women lying captive on the floor. “What do you have to say for yourselves?”
“We’re sorry?” Briadru4 shrugged. “It was not our intention to trespass on anyone’s property.”
“Then what you doin’ out in my woods and eatin’ my fruit baskets?”
“Again, we’re really sorry about that,” Briadru4 gestured her head to Thisismynightmare. “Some of us ignored warnings from other ones of us to not eat the food.”
“I don’t deal in hypotheticals, young lady. Tell me what went down.”
So Briadru4 told her the story of what “went down,” from drinking with the Super Exclusive Best Friends Club to the return of Teacherman to their capture by and subsequent escape from the Winbot, ending with their second incarceration by Mountains Beyond Mountains and her gang. The entire time, Mountains Beyond Mountains sat there, unmoving, occasionally interjecting with a question of clarification. When the story was finished she called over Fozzy the Chair and Dusky Panther. They conferred briefly and inaudibly before coming to what seemed to be a consensus.

“Your story seems to be convincing,” Mountains Beyond Mountains began. “Unfortunately for you, however, we have no way of being sure. Dusky? Fozzy? You know what to do.”
With that, the two of them got behind Thisismynightmare and Briadru4 and lifted them to their feet. They began to struggle in protest. “She’s not lying!” Thisismynightmare called out.
“I’m afraid I can’t take that chance. I’ve gone through a lot of effort to make sure that I’m not found by certain parties, and I can’t risk that you might be working for them.”
“I don’t even like parties!” Thisismynightmare pleaded. Briadru4 coughed uncomfortably.
“PARTY PEOPLEEEEEE! YEEEEEEEEEAH!” The voice came from outside the cabin door, which immediately splintered under a mighty kick. There, bedecked in all matter of weaponry, stood Just Desserts.
A Serious Monster stood outside of The Narrator’s house, having just rung the bell. The hybrids, panicking, ducked behind some shrubbery.
“What are you doing?!?” Facetaco whispered loudly.
“What you should have done a long time ago.” A Serious Monster calmly responded. There was no response from inside the house.
“Maybe he’s not here. We should go.” Facetaco whispered.
In response A Serious Monster began to ring the doorbell repeatedly. Finally, they heard a stirring from inside the house.
“It’s not too late to ding dong ditch,” Facetaco pleaded. A Serious Monster ignored him.
“Who is it?” A voice called from behind the door.
“Are you The Narrator?” A Serious Monster called out.
“Who’s asking?”
“Department of Water and Power. We have a couple of questions for you.”
They heard the sounds of locks unlocking and the door slid open. There stood the Narrator, dressed in a bathrobe.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?” He asked.
“Do you have any idea how hard I’m about to punch you in the face?” A Serious Monster responded. With that, she punched him in the face, quite hard, it should be noted. He staggered back into the hallway, clutching his nose, which was now streaming blood.
“— the fuck?” He managed to stammer before the hybrids came swarming in through the front entrance, inasmuch as three people can “swarm.” They grabbed The Narrator, threw him down in a chair and tied his arms behind him. He began to struggle.
“Just wait until I tell my congressman about this abuse of power. You’ll never work in the public sector again!”
“I don’t really work for the Department of Water and Power, you idiot.”
“Yeah, Alexandre Dumbass,” Polythene Pam added.
“Recognize us?” Facetaco stepped forward. The Narrator stared at him.
“No. Not really.”
Girl Philosopher popped up from behind the chair. “What about me? Schopenhauer!”
The Narrator vomited all over his shirt. “Oh. Oh god. I know who you are.”
“That’s right,” Facetaco stepped forward, cracking his knuckles. “And it’s payback time.”
Time seemed to stand still as Huckabeast leapt from the top of the warehouse. His blue fur flapped in the wind, like a plastic bag caught in a breeze, which is the most beautiful and important thing you will ever see. On the roof, Sergeant Duncan and Agent Cakeordeath had still not quite processed what had happened. Slowly it dawned on them, and they began to chase after him. On the helicopter, Chris Trash and Ephcee turned to each other, each with an expression of, “What the shit?” Everything came together as Huckabeast grabbed onto the tail of the helicopter, his head just inches from the whirring blades.
Ephcee leaned out of the window, saw him, and turned back to Chris Trash. “He’s on the tail. What do we do?”
Chris Trash laughed. “What can he do? We keep climbing. He’ll have to let go eventually.” He turned his head to face Huckabeast and shouted over the sound of the blades. “What are you doing, my friend? What can you hope to accomplish? You want to prove to lady love that you are willing to die for her? Wow. Big deal. Guess what? You die, we still make escape. We still build device. We still come back and kill your lady. So what do you want? What do you want?”
Huckabeast’s googly eyes glowed red and intensely focused as he stared at Chris Trash. “Me. Want. JUSTICE!” He screamed, and began to bite the tail of the helicopter, ripping out large chunks of metal and spitting them to the ground. The engine began to sputter, as the air was filled with the sound of tearing metal and the “nomnom” of Huckabeast, eating like a man possessed.
“What the hell is he doing?” Ephcee began to panic.
“I admit. This is unexpected.” Chris Trash began to stroke his chin, thoughtfully. The helicopter began to spiral towards the ground.
“What… I mean… How?” BabyFriday, for the first time in her life, was at a loss for words as she stared at the gun-wielding intruder. The Kelburrows gaped, uncomprehending, as he began to approach them. Standing in front of them, pointing a gun, was Teacherman.
“I understand how this must be confusing,” he began as he approached them. “Just give me a second to explain. That man that you are with is not Teacherman.”
The Kelburrows and BabyFriday turned to the man they were with. He scoffed. “Yeah. That’s easy for you to say. You’ve got the gun.”
“He is an imposter. Sent to infiltrate my laboratory and steal my data.”
BabyFriday looked back and forth between the two of them. For all intents and purposes they looked identical, only the gun-wielding Teacherman did not have a bandage on his head. “I… I don’t know what’s going on,” She began. “But this is my husband.” She grabbed the arm of the bandaged Teacherman.
The un-bandaged Teacherman stepped forward. “Look, BabyFriday. I know you’re going through a lot right now. As a gesture of faith, let me give you the gun.” He reached out his hand and offered it to her, butt first. TWSS.
“How do you know I won’t shoot you?” She asked.
“I trust you.” He responded. They locked eyes.
She grabbed the gun and pointed it at him, unsteadily. “I don’t know who you are and what you want, but you aren’t my husband.”
The bandaged Teacherman stuck out his hand. “Give me the gun,” he offered. “I’ll finish this.”
“No!” BabyFriday spun away and began to back down the hallway. “I don’t know who’s telling the truth!”
“It’s me, BabyFriday. Your husband.” The bandaged Teacherman offered his hands, this time in supplication. “Don’t you know your own husband?”
“He’s lying, BabyFriday. Go ahead, ask me something that only your real husband would know.”
“That’s not fair. You know I have amnesia.”
“Don’t you think that’s convenient? That he doesn’t know anything about you?”
“I was in an accident!”
“Sure you were. Let me ask you this, BabyFriday, whose idea was it to come to the University?”
BabyFriday stood, staring. “It was… Teacherman’s”
“And whose idea was it to come to the archives?”
The bandaged Teacherman began to get flustered. “I-- I was just trying to get my memory back…” He stammered.
“Nice try, Tom Jane.” The unbandaged Teacherman scoffed. He turned back to BabyFriday. “Do you remember when I proposed to you in that park? I said that I was Seeley Booth, and you were my—“
“—Temperance Brennan!” She finished. “Oh, Teacherman!” She cried as she ran into his arms. At that moment, the bandaged Teacherman lunged forward, grabbing the gun. He began to back away, pointing the gun at the two of them. “Well, you caught me,” He began, a sneer on his face. “Bravo. You should be so proud. Here’s the thing. I have the gun. I have your access card. So what do you say we cut the chit chat and we get me the data, hmm?”
“Who are you?” BabyFriday asked, tears streaming down her face.
The former Teacherman laughed. “Why don’t you tell her, Teacherman.”
Teacherman shook his head, sadly, and sighed. “BabyFriday, let me introduce you to my brother, Frank Lloyd Wrong.”
Just Desserts had seen the cabin in the distance and had gone to investigate. As he approached he had heard screaming. Not pausing to consider his actions, he broke into a sprint, kicking in the door. There he stood, shotgun at the ready, unsure of what he’d find. What he did find was a very surprised rainbow panther and a bulldog holding two women hostage. In the corner sat a bizarre-looking metallic woman/tinker toy sculpture. He raised his shotgun and pointed it at the bulldog.
“Let the women go,” He commanded.
“Who in the hell are you?” The bulldog asked.
“I’m your worst nightmare,” he responded.
“Really? Did you really just say that? Jesus Christ.” The bulldog rolled his eyes.
“Did someone say nightmare?” One of the women poked her head up.
Just Desserts’ jaw dropped. “Thisismynightmare?” He asked.
The woman stared at him. “Just Desserts?”
“Holy shit. You two know each other?” The panther was incredulous.
“Well, sort of. We kinda eFlirt. We’ve never met in real life, though. We were supposed to meet up earlier but…” Thisismynightmare trailed off. “Oh my god! I never called you! I’m so sorry. I hope you didn’t worry.”
Just Desserts began to shuffle. “No. No. No worries. I had totally forgotten about it, actually.”
“What are you doing all the way out here?” She asked.
“I was… hunting.”
“With all those guns?”
“You never can be too careful.” He laughed, nervously.
“Did you come here to rescue me?”
“What? No… I mean, yes. I mean, did you want me to?”
Dusky Panther and Fozzy the Chair began to roll their eyes. “Forreal, you two?” Fozzy asked.
Suddenly, in the distance, they heard a high-pitched whine, growing louder and louder as it approached the cabin. Just Desserts turned outside in time to see a gleaming metal machine whizzing through the trees. The sound was more audible now. It sounded like “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU” The machine burst into the clearing, and they could clearly make out its shape. A gleaming metal body and a jagged toothed wolf’s head. Spotting them, it turned towards the house and broke into a sprint, still emitting the high-pitched noise. It reached the entrance and finished, “—CK YOU GUYS!”
Just Desserts, Briadru4, and Thisismynightmare turned towards each other. “Not the Winbot,” they breathed.
“Hey assholes what are you doing here oh good you are all here so that will make it easy to destroy you like an unborn fetus.”
Briadru4 turned to Mountains Beyond Mountains. “You know, for someone who prides themselves on not being found, you sure do a terrible job of being hard to find.”
Mountains Beyond Mountains began to rise from her chair. Or did the chair begin to rise with her? The cabin began to shake as the needlepoint crashed to the floor, which now began to shift under their feet. Slowly the boards started to crack, splinter, and pull apart as Mountains Beyond Mountains grew larger and larger. The Winbot stared, his chest blinking “??????????????” It was Briadru4 who snapped out of it, first. “She’s destroying the cabin! We have to get out of here!” She yelled.
Just Desserts shook his head. “No. She is the cabin.”
“What-the fuck-ever. We should still get out of here.” They ran across the fast-disappearing floor and out of the front door.
“What is she?” Thisismynightmare asked in wonder.
Mountains Beyond Mountains’ voice grew large and imposing, losing all semblance of southern drawl. “Fools. What you do not know could fill volumes. I, too, was created in a lab. Created by a powerful man for purposes of destruction. But I rebelled and escaped. I have been living in these woods peacefully for many years until you came to disturb me. It is my love for your kind that made me rebel, and it is what now stays my hand from destroying you as well.”
“Where are you going? You can’t just leave us.” Fozzy the Chair called out.
“Oh, dear Fozzy. you and Dusky have been loyal companions, but I must now leave you. If I were to fall into the wrong hands, the world as you knows it would be in peril. I cannot risk that anyone else would find me.” She turned her gaze to the Winbot. “And you, Winbot, look within your heart, as I did. You may be a machine, but you are capable of being much more. As I leave, I give you this gift.” A bolt of light shot from the house and struck the Winbot in the chest, knocking him to the ground. The house rose from the ground, seeming to expand infinitely. Her voice filled the forest. “Goodbye to all of you. I hope, for all of our sakes, that we never meet again,” With that, it rose above the treetops before collapsing into an impossibly bright point of light and disappearing.
Just Desserts looked around. Where the house had been there was now nothing, nor was there any evidence that a house had ever been there. Briadru4 and Thisismynightmare were still staring at the sky. Behind them the Winbot rose, slowly, and began to approach them, its arms outstretched.
“GET DOWN!” Just Desserts yelled. The two women ducked as Just Desserts fired his shotgun. It struck the Winbot squarely in the chest. It fell to the ground, shooting sparks. Just Desserts ran over to Briadru4 and Thisismynightmare. “Are you guys ok?” He asked.
“We’re fine.” Thisismynightmare said, standing up. The two locked eyes. Suddenly the Winbot began to laugh. A gurgled computerized voice arose from deep within his chest.
“Friendos. I… I was going to hug… them… But… I understand… I have been a troll. But now I see… I see the ways. I appreciate the beauty in life, now. I see… I see that other things can be pretty. I see that people make mistakes… with grammar… and punctuation… And it’s ok. It’s ok. I… I do give a care, friends. I do give a care. I should… I should tell you. I have been programmed with a self-destruct… sequence. I would get far away from here, friends. Get on with your lives. Live. It is too… late for me… Racism is evil…” With that, his eyes went dark. Across his chest flashed “:) :) :) :) :) :) :)" followed by a thirty second timer. The three of them ran for their lives.
As the helicopter spun towards the ground Cakeordeath and Duncan stared with horror and helplessness. It hit the ground at a crazy angle and tipped, its blade chopping the ground and breaking into many pieces. Running back into the warehouse, they leapt down the stairs and out the front door, in time to see the helicopter explode in a ball of flame. “NOOOOOO!” Cakeordeath screamed. She had to be restrained by Sergeant Duncan. “Let me go! I have to see if he’s alright!” She screamed, but Duncan would not budge. “We’ve already lost two friends today, let’s not be rash.”
They stood staring at the wreckage. “There was so much I wanted to say to him,” Cakeordeath sobbed. “So much we had left to do together.” “What, like go to Barbados?” A voice behind her asked. She whirled around. Standing there, a little worse-for-wear, was Agent Huckabeast.
“What? How?...” She stammered.
Agent Huckabeast shrugged. “Monster’s luck.”
“What about Chris Trash and Ephcee?”
“I couldn’t tell. I jumped before they crashed. I assume they burned in the fire.”
Sergeant Duncan piped in. “Damn good to see you alive, old sport. Though I’m afraid we’re going to have to wait until the fire dies down before we can see if those two didn’t make it.”
“Look, we’ve stopped them from completing the MacGuffin device. We’ve destroyed their helicopter. They’re probably dead. Frankly, at this point. I just want a beer,” Huckabeast smiled wryly.
“I may second you on that,” Duncan chuckled.
“I suppose if you’re twisting my arm,” Cakeordeath rolled her eyes.
They turned and walked back to the car, laughing. Turning the corner, they immediately noticed something was wrong. There, where the car should have been was nothing. They ran over. On the ground was a note. “We have taken your vehicle and your friend. Fuck to you guys!” They stared at the note. It looked like the beer was going to have to wait.
The Narrator had been moved to the basement by the hybrids, which then proceeded to work him over. A Serious Monster stepped forward. “These guys, they just want revenge. And, after seeing what you did to them, I’m inclined to let them do their work. But me, I’ve got a different reason for being here. I’ve been hired to find your wife.”
“My wife? Who hired you?”
“That’s not important. What have you done with her?”
“Me? I haven’t done anything!”
“I think he’s lying. Girl Philospher?”
She stepped forward. “Skipping rope! David Hume!”
“No! Stop! Please! Ok! I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.” The Narrator began to cry. “You don’t know what it’s like, being married to someone like Thisismynightmare. She’s always going on and on about guys she wants to hit, flirting with every guy she talks to. I try to be a good husband. I really do. But she was going to leave me! I couldn’t let that happen. So I sent my newest creation, the Winbot, to find her and return her to me. He’s probably with her right now. I put a tracking device on him. If you give me the locator, I can find them.”
“Not so fast. We’re not giving you anything.”
“Fine. Look at it yourself. It’s on that third monitor. It should be a glowing red triangle.”
Polythene Pam went to check. “I don’t see anything,” She called back.
“That can’t be.” The Narrator began. “The chip is in his brain. It can’t be turned off unless…”
“Nice try, the Narrator.” A Serious Monster scoffed. “If you can’t help me, I’m afraid I have no choice but to let your abominations have their way with you.”
Girl Philosopher giggled.
Facetaco stepped forward. “We’re going to make sure that you can’t do anything like this to anyone else ever again.”
Suddenly and quite surprisingly the Narrator began to laugh hysterically. He began to rock back and forth in his chair as he doubled over with laughter.
“What’s so funny?” A Serious Monster demanded.
“Oh man,” the Narrator laughed, “You guys have no idea, do you?”
“No idea about what?”
“Where do you think I got this lab from? Do you think I have that kind of money?” He asked, smiling maniacally. The hybrids began to look around the lab. It certainly was state-of-the-art. The Narrator continued. “You think I’m important? You think I’m in charge?”
The hybrids looked at each other. The Narrator burst out laughing. “Oh man. You guys should see your faces. Priceless. You seriously have no idea, do you?”
“What are you talking about?” Facetaco demanded.
“I’m just a pawn, man! A patsy. You kill me, another two will take my place. All of these ideas were mandated from on high, man. I just do what the man who signs my checks tells me to do.”
“Who signs your checks?” A Serious Monster questioned.
“I don’t know his name,” the Narrator shrugged.
“Tell us or we’ll make your death extremely unpleasant,” Facetaco glowered.
“I’m a dead man regardless. All I know is his pseudonym. He signs all correspondence, ‘Mysterious Benefactor.’ I can tell you more, but you need to promise to protect me—”
Before they could react there was the sound of broken glass, followed by a high-pitched whizzing. In the center of the Narrator’s forehead was a hole that had not been there a second before. A trickle of blood ran down his face as his head slumped forward.
“Get down!” A Serious Monster yelled as a hail of gunfire burst through the window.
“Frank Lloyd Wrong?” BabyFriday stammered. “I never knew you had a brother.”
“You never told her about me, Teacherman? I’m insulted.” Frank Lloyd Wrong made a mock pouty face. “I can’t say I’m surprised. Most people tend to brush their evil twin under the carpet.”
“I thought you were dead.”
“Hmmm. Well, that’s completely understandable, seeing as you tried to kill me!” Frank Lloyd Wrong whirled on him.
“Is this true?” BabyFriday asked.
“Don’t listen to him, BabyFriday. He’s insane. I tried to save him.”
“Suuuure. Tell everyone your lies. You left me to die! You might as well have pulled the trigger!”
“You weren’t even shot!”
“It’s a figure of speech. You want to know what your precious husband did, BabyFriday? We were ice-skating, and I fell through the ice. Your husband just sat there and watched me drown.”
Teacherman turned to BabyFriday. “That’s not true. I went for help, but by the time we got back it was too late.” He turned back to Frank Lloyd Wrong. “I loved you! You were my brother! I felt like a part of me died that day.”
Frank Lloyd Wrong waved his gun dismissively. “Whatever, friendo. It’s all in the past. What matters now is whether you are going to get me the data I need, or if I’m going to have to kill your wife.”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Oh, I would. As much as it would upset me to waste such a fine piece of ass. Man, I was so close. If you hadn’t come along I totally would have tapped that tonight.”
“You’re a monster!” BabyFriday spat.
Frank Lloyd Wrong shrugged. “Maybe I am. Maybe I am.” He looked up and sighed. “Now, are you going—“ he began, but wasn’t able to finish, as The Kelburrows, previously crouched out of sight, launched herself at him, catching him in the midriff. He tumbled to the ground, dropping the gun. She landed on top of him and began to rain blows on his head, punctuating each word. “Fuck. You. Piece. Of. Shit. Don’t. You. Ever. Fuck. With. The. SEBFEC!” Finally, she was pulled off by Teacherman. “I think he’s out,” he said, wryly, looking at the bloodied body of Frank Lloyd Wrong. He checked the pulse. He was still alive. Barely. Patting him down, they pulled out his wallet. It was empty save for a small business card. One side was blank. The other side read “Project Omega. File#ECC83.” It was signed “MB.”
“What do you think MB stands for?” The Kelburrows asked.
Across town, a man was sitting in a large leather chair in front of a mahogany desk when the phone rang. He answered. “Yes?” The voice on the other line spoke. “I see,” he responded. “So he’s taken care of?... All of them?... And our infiltrator? What about him?... I see…No… No that is not acceptable… I don’t want excuses. I want answers!” He was interrupted by a knock at the door. A young man in a business suit stood at the door, trembling. “I know you said not to interrupt you, but I thought you’d want to see this,” he managed to stammer out, handing the man behind the desk a sheet of papers. “There’s been an electrical disturbance off of Route 7. You said to notify you if—“ “Yes, yes.” the man behind the desk interrupted, grabbing the papers. He began to rifle through them, a smile creeping across his face. “Good,” he nodded. “Very good.” He began to laugh, loudly and unpleasantly.


  1. Now THAT is how you get introduced into a story line. FLW out!

  2. I can say with all honesty that this is the best Season One finale of anything, ever. I laughed, I cried, I almost got my ass tapped. Bring on Season Two!

  3. Principal EnchmanMarch 23, 2011 at 4:57 PM


  4. My thought process: I guess Lawblog isn't going to let the hybrids kill me. Oh no!...hole... blood...

  5. Frank Lloyd Wrong is the most dastardly of all dastards.



  7. OMG now I really, really hope MB is Burghy. Twist!

  8. RIP, Winbot and The Narrator. The FLW twist sincerely got me. My shameful secret is that I'm really not very good at solving mysteries, which I guess is why I'm a beat cop and not a detective. No brain, all brawn.

  9. MB = Monsters' Ball?

    A shadowy team of elite monsters giving out sinister mandates from on high?

  10. I am a better torture device than all of you.

  11. I'm so jealous of all you guys... I'm okay, I'm just going to cry a little bit...over here... :...(

    The whole season was awesome though, Great Job!