I'd Quit That: My Job

Gang - what a week we had this week! Libya! RIP Elizabeth Taylor! BLAISE!!! I, for one, am completely and emotionally spent. And guess what else happened this week. GUESS! Nope. Seriously, that's your guess? That is a terrible guess! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!! The correct answer is: I quit my job.

So, as you are all aware our friend This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she emotionally scars her husband by living out her celebrity sex-fantasies on a pop-culture spin-off blog. Additionally, the consistently hilarious Videogum commenter Teacherman has a pop-culture spin-off blog spin-off column called "I'd Literally Hit That" in which he reveals a potentially horrifying blood-lust-y side of his personality which yearns to inflict physical harm on complete strangers. (I'm worried about Baby Friday, you guys.) We've also seen MOBFD posts on: I'd Spit That, I'd Knit That, and I'd Sit That (Chairs! We get it, FLW). This post is in the spirit of all of the above. I hope to not need to write another one for at least a couple of years.

#tweenrap

I've got 99 Pokemon but Onix ain't one.  - Fozzy

Purple Stuff and Juice  - Teacherman

Baby Got Backpack  - Lawblog

Move Mom! Get out my room! Get out my room, Mom! Get out my room!  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

Bikin' down the street, eatin' Twizzlers, sippin' on Mountain Dew / Got my mind on my homework and my homework on my mind - Teacherman

We can sext in the premiere screening of Twilight, cuz you know it got sold out  - Ian

I've got a girlfriend (I've got a giiiiirlfriend) in a different area code. (area) Code. (code)  #BandNerdRap - Lawblog

lick lick lick lick me like a ring pop, what's that  - Ian

Kraft Rules Everything Around Me  - Lawblog

No one Tween should have all that glower.  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

Wakeup Wakeup. It's the first day of class. Get up Get up. - Lawblog

No one teacher should give me all those hours  - Teacherman

No one class should take all that hour.  - BabyFriday

Ride to the Pizza Hut. Ride to the Taco Bell. I need a ride to Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

All of the phones -- iPhones, smart phones, droid phones, in my home, when I roam!  - Teacherman

Who's House? Dad's House.  - Frank Lloyd Wrong 

When you get an assignment / And you don't wanna write it / What cha gon do? / Ghost write it  - Teacherman

Today I didn't even have to use my TI-89. Today was a good day. - Fozzy

Gonna keep on tryin' to get a girl to touch it/ My left hand ain't enough to fuck with.  #poorhornyteenboys - BabyFriday

I once held hands in a Burger King dining room.  - Mounty

Spilled something on my sweater already/ Mom's spaghetti - BabyFriday

R.I.P. Your Productivity: Hey Y'all!

 Hi everyone! Welcome to the better half of this column, MINE! But before I throw your productivity to the fishes, perhaps you would like to know what it ever did to me. You see, my productivity makes me do things that suck, and I can assume that this is the same for you. So, being your friend (NOT A CREEPY STALKER LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT NOW), I just want to make you happy, and this is a good way to do it. Alright, let's MOTHERFUCKING PROCRASTINATE! 

Racist Marmaduke Offers A Defense

Toilet Dump. It's the white choice. It's the right choice.