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Saturday, March 26, 2011

I'd Quit That: My Job

Gang - what a week we had this week! Libya! RIP Elizabeth Taylor! BLAISE!!! I, for one, am completely and emotionally spent. And guess what else happened this week. GUESS! Nope. Seriously, that's your guess? That is a terrible guess! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!! The correct answer is: I quit my job.

So, as you are all aware our friend This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she emotionally scars her husband by living out her celebrity sex-fantasies on a pop-culture spin-off blog. Additionally, the consistently hilarious Videogum commenter Teacherman has a pop-culture spin-off blog spin-off column called "I'd Literally Hit That" in which he reveals a potentially horrifying blood-lust-y side of his personality which yearns to inflict physical harm on complete strangers. (I'm worried about Baby Friday, you guys.) We've also seen MOBFD posts on: I'd Spit That, I'd Knit That, and I'd Sit That (Chairs! We get it, FLW). This post is in the spirit of all of the above. I hope to not need to write another one for at least a couple of years.

Let's start from the very beginning (a very good place to start) and allow me to introduce you to my old job: Vince Vaughn.
Do you guys remember when my old job was totally hot and lovable? Like after my old job was in Swingers but before every single douchebag you knew said "You are so money and you don't even know it" roughly 800,000 times. Do you remember my old job then? I loved my old job! My old job had a great run of things for a while: Old School! Dodge Ball! Wedding Crashers! My old job had a cameo in MOTHERFUCKING ANCHORMAN. This is basically how I felt about my old job for a long time: So, "what changed?" you ask. Who can say, really? Time marches cruelly on and my old job's thin frame started to slowly add some padding. Then my old job briefly dated Jennifer Aniston apparently? One day I woke up and my old job had stopped making wildly funny, free-spirited movies and had started making movies like Fred Claus and Couples Retreat instead. What. The. Fuck. Old. Job?I mean, I could never stop loving my old job at least a little. It was a big part of my life for a long time but seriously did you see Four Christmases? It was beyond time to think about moving along with my life. And then something magical happened: I met my new job. Say "Hello" to my new job, Andrew Garfield:HAWT! Amirite?? A no brainer to break up with my old job and jump into bed with my new job, right? Totes. Now, I know what you are probably thinking:No no, it's cool. My new job is very young, yes, but it's of legal and consenting age. Now, I am very excited to start boning my new job but the thing is: there are so many things I do not yet know about my new job. I mean, The Social Network was great, but what else do we know about my new job? Answer: not much. It's a risk! My old job could be counted on for a few laughs and at least some fond memories (remember when a casino sign crushed my old job's dodgeball coach?) but this new job...what if he never makes another good movie? What if it turns out he can't really act that well? Or do a British accent worth a crap?What I am saying is: I am very excited but also a little scared. Did I mention that my old job made his movies in San Francisco and my new job shoots exclusively in Atlanta? So, there's that too. Sigh. Welp, I broke up with my old job and my new job promised to introduce me to Jesse Eisenberg so there's no turning back now. WISH ME LUCK! In closing, I'll say this: You're my boy, Blue. You're my boy.


  1. Two things:

    1.) Hilarious post. That shit with the guessing in the first paragraph had me straight gigglin' fo' real.

  2. Doorbells and sleighbells and snitzel with noodles and this blog post. These are a few of my favorite things. Also, congrats on the new job!

  3. I hope you'll be my friend when you get to Atlanta!

    Unlike some people who ignore my every suggestion to meet up sometime...

  4. Good luck, thekelburrows! It saddens me knowing the next L.A. Monster Meet-Up has a next-to-nil chance of you being present, but it makes me happy to know you are moving into a new, scary-yet-invigorating phase of your professional life! HOTLANTA! Boy-oh-boy~!

  5. He can do a good British accent because he is British! Yay! All your fears are alleviated!

  6. I totally look forward to visiting you in ATL and smanging your new job.