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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Taking One for the TV: 90210 S3E18

Just like all of you, I love great TV shows like Lost, Breaking Bad, 30 Rock, etc., but I also love some really bad shit. In this column, I am going to recap some of the best of the worst. I watch bad TV so you don't have to!

You guys may have seen me profess my love for the original Beverly Hills, 90210 series on Videogum. No shame, I love that show. I own all the seasons on DVD, and they bring me great joy. Shout out, Season 1-4, you guys were the best! Anyway, the reason I started watching 90210 on CW was because of my love for the original series. You may or may not know, but some of the original cast appeared in the first season of the new series, including Kelly, Brenda and Donna. I came for the old cast and stayed for the cheesy drama.

Let me lay this out for you guys. I am going to recap the episodes, and I will give you background on storylines and characters when necessary. We are currently jumping into this end of season, so just deal with it ok?!

Above you will see the main cast of characters. Below is a bit of background on all of them. (Not pictured: Ivy and Teddy)

Annie is Aunt Becky's biological daughter. She has an adopted brother, Dixon, who is the same age as her (convenient). Her parents are going through a divorce right now, and it's really weird because her dad used to be the principal of West Beverly High School, but all of a sudden at the beginning of the third season, he was no longer the principal and her mom was divorcing him. Anyway, at the end of the first season, Annie was drinking and driving and killed a homeless dude. In the second season, she was dealing with that guilt while dating the homeless man's psychopath nephew, Jasper. In this season, she pretends like the whole thing never happened!

Dixon is Annie's adopted brother. Obviously, Dixon is black, so he and Annie are like the modern Brenda and Brandon Walsh. He was adopted by the Wilson family when he was 10 years old. His mother was bipolar and deemed unfit to raise him. He used to date Silver and at one time dated a woman named Sasha in her 20s who faked a pregnancy, but we won't get into that unless she shows back up for some reason. Dixon was dating Ivy, but broke up with her because he thought he had HIV, but turns out that he didn't. Don't you hate when that happens?! When he tried to get back together with her, she had slept with some British family friend named Oscar. Since she was no longer pure, it wasn't going to work out between the two of them.

Silver is Erin Silver or some of you may know her as Kelly and David's little sister! She is basically the only link to the original series. When the show started, she was an outcast because of some blog she wrote trashing the popular kids. But now she is popular???? If you watched the original, you know that Kelly's mom, Jackie had a drug and alcohol issue, but she was clean for years. When the new series picked up, she had fallen off the wagon, so Silver lived with Kelly who is the WBHS guidance counselor. However, we never see Kelly anymore....I guess maybe she died too? Anyway, Silver has bipolar disorder, but never has any issues with it anymore? One more thing, she just got out of a relationship Teddy.

Adrianna is a former child star who had a pill problem. She also had a baby in season 1 and gave it up for adoption. She is off and on with Navid. Also, right now, she is like a pop star or something. She was on tour with this guy Javier who is supposed to be like Justin Bieber, but he died in a tragic limo accident (HAHA) and after the accident Adrianna stole his lyric book and passed the songs off as her own and became really famous. Javier's manager found out and blackmailed her, so there's that.

Navid is Israeli and his parents are very traditional, but his father is a porn industry king...I know...He is filthy rich and editor of The Blaze which is now a TV station and not the groundbreaking school paper once ran by the legendary Brandon Walsh.

Naomi is the queen bee/rich bitch. Honestly, I don't know where the hell her parents are. I think maybe she just doesn't want to live with them, so she just doesn't. I really have no idea! I do know that she lives off a trust fund. Her bitchy sister Jen just came back into her life and had a baby with her English teacher Mr. Matthews. Naomi was raped by a teacher, so now she is over-sexed and shit. Somebody get this girl some therapy, STAT! She is currently falling in love with a nerd named Max. It is so dumb. For real.

Liam has so many white people problems. He's so mysterious, you guys. Basically, his stepdad is a douche and kicked him out the house. Apparently his mom used to be his stepdad's maid and then he married her. He used to date Naomi, but is now involved with Annie.

Teddy is a tennis superstar and ladies man AND the son of Cliff Montgomery (I guess he is like the Tom Hanks of 90210). BUT WAIT!!!! He's so gay. No, really. He is a homosexual. He just came out of the closet which kinda ruined his relationship with Silver.

Ivy is just a dumb hippie bitch with a dumb hippie mom.

Now that we have met all of the gang, let's get into the episode!

We begin this episode with Annie and Liam driving up to school together listening to Mexican radio because they are going to Cabo for Senior trip! PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Navid and Adrianna were on-again until Silver--that bitch!--had an "affair" (Do we even call it that? They are like 17-18, you guys) with Navid. Somehow, Adrianna got a naked picture of Silver and sexted it to the whole school. She has everyone's phone numbers in her Sidekick, yo. A-duh! Now Silver is totes embarrassed and wants to crawl under a picnic table in the quad and totes die.

Ivy has been tokin' it up big time ever since her break up with Dixon and her near death surfing accident. Last time she was at the dispensary, she was out smarted by a fellow pot head Raj. Turns out he is smoking the ganja because he has cancer. Bummer. Raj calls and asks her to come to the skate park with him and she is like "Hells no. Bitch, you about to die." Ok, she doesn't say that, but she thinks it!

Naomi finally has sex with her nerd, Max. And it's good. Like really good. He's "like a prodigy" in bed. Turns out has had sex with seven people. Come on! Everyone knows nerds don't have sex. The only thing that makes this guy a nerd is that he is good at math and he wears glasses. CLASSIC NERD!

Annie, Ivy, Silver, Naomi, Max, Navid, Dixon, Teddy hop aboard a private jet to Cabo. Oh man, I used to love taking my friend's private jet to Cabo when I was in high school. By private jet, I mean Honda Civic, and by Cabo, I mean the K-Mart parking lot. Anyway, everyone gets on the plane, and--OH SHIT!--Adrianna has stowed away. THAT FUCKING CUNT!!!!

They make it to Cabo and they are staying at a hotel that is called The Enchanted Donkey. They are warned not to drink the tap water. Oh boy. I see where this is going.

In a surprise twist, Adrianna just so happens to get the hotel room right next to ...wait for it...wait for it...Navid and Silver's room! Silver dives into the complimentary guacamole and chips and precedes to have a foodgasm that makes Adrianna jelly.

Side note: Everyone is staying in a room with the person they are currently fucking. Now, I know this happens in high school, but I would really like to see all the shenanigans that leads up to this. Someone's parents would be objecting to this if they knew the details. So you know those little shits are making up lies in order to leave the country with no adult supervision and to stay in a room with a boyfriend or girlfriend. END SIDE NOTE.

At the pool, Teddy and Silver are chatting and Teddy's old roommate from boarding school, Trip, just so happens to be staying at the same hotel. THERE ARE JUST SO MANY COINCIDENCES IN LIFE!!!! Teddy confesses to Silver that this guy is his first dude crush. Teddy has some beers with Trip. He has to pretend to be straight, but when the dude starts harping on how much of a ladies' man Teddy was, Teddy tells him the truth. Turns out Trip is gay too! Seriously, how many more coincidences does this show have in store for us?! So many, I hope! Anyway, they hit that. Next day at the pool, Teddy meets Will. Who is Will? Um, Trip's boyfriend. A-DUH! It's ok though, because Will and Trip have an open relationship. Way to perpetuate homosexual stereotypes, 90210!

Silver and Navid are cozying up by the pool, and Adrianna is seething! She is going to get that bitch Silver if it is the last thing she does. She takes a bottle of water, dumps it out, and fills it with tap water. She has an unsuspecting pool boy send it to "the girl in the ugly bathing suit." UH OH! Silver is going to be shitting her ugly bathing suit within the hour! They should rename it "Adrianna's Revenge." AMIRITE?! Sure enough, Silver gets sick, and she realizes that Adrianna is the reason why. To get back at her, Silver switches Adrianna's sunscreen for moisturizer. SNAP!

Liam and Annie take a little stroll into town, because Annie wants to be a tourist. They take a picture with a monkey, and the monkey bites Annie! HAHAHAHA. She has to get a rabies shot, so he is hanging out in bed watching TV. I hate it when monkeys ruin my vacation. Since Annie can't go into Mexico, Liam brings Mexico to her! In the form of a mariachi band and churros! These kids, they sure know how to make stuff happen. Seizing the day and shit.

Naomi confesses to Max that she is failing math, so he tells her no more sex until she passes the practice exam. He brought a math practice exam to Cabo, because OF COURSE HE DID! She passes. More sex now! YAY!

Ivy meets up with Dixon to catch some chill waves, bro. But something is not right...Ivy is cold. Why is she cold?! Oh, because she has been smoking some doobies. Weed, always making people cold in 100 degree weather. Dixon is shocked and appalled that Ivy would be into the dope. She's so excited, she's so scared. Dixon stays with her and a nurses her back to health with a beach towel and a bottle of water. Lesson, always keep a beach towel and bottled water in your first aid kit.

Once Adrianna realizes that she has been burnt to a crisp, she freaks out on Silver at the pool. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cat fight on our hands. The fight goes from poolside to in the pool. Teddy and Navid jump in to break up the madness. Navid apologizes to both the girls for coming between their friendship and then leaves them alone for a heart-to-heart. Then they apologize to each other and they are friends again! That wasn't long. Oh wait...nevermind...Adrianna requests that Silver break up with Navid to make it better. No dice, honey. No fucking dice.

The gang returns to the 90210 donning ponchos and sombreros. Fucking hipsters.

Ivy pays a visit to her cancer pal at the skate park. She was scared to start a relationship because he is probably going to die, but now she is like, let's give it a go. So cool.

Adrianna shows up to Silver's place and tells her that she is going to be ok with her dating Navid. Then she immediately asks to use the bathroom. In the bathroom, she switches out Silver's bipolar meds with some unknown type of pills. For realsies, shit just got supes real. It's good to know that they didn't forget that Silver was bipolar though...

I know this recap was really long, but I had to introduce you guys to everyone. Next one will be shorter, and have more screen caps. I promise. I just didn't have time to photoshop...See you for next week's recap!


  1. I have watched this show exactly one time when they were singing songs from Spring Awakening and it was hilarious and cringe-inducing. I don't know why I didn't stick with it. Anyway, even though I don't watch this show, I found the recap to be very entertaining.

  2. Thanks! Yeah, the Spring Awakening episode was hilarious. I clearly remember hiding behind a blanket.

  3. oh man nightmare, this made my day. I am a total victim of the shows desperate ratings grab with its whole dreamy jock coming out of the closet storyline. Joke is on them though, you can watch just the gay parts on youtube.

  4. I think Navid is Persian. Anyway, this show is horrible so I wish you so much luck with this and will be reading every post. Thanks!

  5. gli orologi sono così perfetti che replica orologi italia le persone non erano in grado di distinguerli dagli originali anche da un piede di distanza in un test che abbiamo replica orologi condotto. Solo questi orologi sono al display e nelle vostre case, su i polsi.