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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Tales from the Chat

Back when I first started chatting I had a standard question for all chat monsters. Unfortunately I can't chat as much as I once did, so I decided to post this question here:
What is the douchiest thing you've ever done?
I have 3 things, you can rank them as you wish:

  • When I was 14 I gave a girl the finger after she told me she loved me.*
  • When I was 8 or 9 I wore  jacket without a shirt because I saw Vanilla Ice doing it.
  • I asked on a public forum: "what is the douchiest thing you've ever done?"
*In my defense we only hung out twice and...who am I kidding? I have no defense.


  1. ...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's how I met your mother.

  2. I founded a social networking site in 2003. At the time, I recruited my best friend to be the CFO of my new company and promised him a 30% share of our business. We grew apart as our new company exploded in popularity and, through some tricky legal documents that he did no understand thoroughly, ultimately I froze him out of his fair share of hundreds of millions of dollars. He sued me and we settled for a sum I will not disclose. Some nights I feel bad about the whole thing but then I just go for a swim in my Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of gold coins and I sleep like a baby afterwards.

  3. I once dated a girl named Elle. She was sweet, fun, and super hot. She was also a materialistic airhead. She was as close to a Barbie as a human being could get. She kept me entertained, and so we dated for a long time. However, I had plans to one day become a U.S. Senator, and I couldn't possibly bring a dim-witted blonde to political fundraisers! After all, I needed a Jackie, not a Marilyn. So I dumped her and moved on to law school.

    When I arrived at school that Fall, who did I run into but Elle! Was she stalking me? To my utter disbelief, she too was attending Harvard Law. Unfortunately, I had moved on to a stuck-up, former boarding school classmate. I tried to warn her she wasn't smart enough but she refused to listen.

    Elle miraculously proved her legal savvy, and I ultimately realized how stupid I was to ever dump her. I asked her back out after winning a case, but I was too late; she called me a bonehead and never spoke to me again.

  4. At 20, I cheated on my first serious girlfriend.

    and when I was little, I refused to give my uneaten sandwich to a hungry homeless man, even though I didn't want it.

  5. one time i gave my music teacher one of my fruitsnacks, but it was really some wax from a babybel cheese that i had molded into the shape of a fruitsnack.

  6. When I was little I played Super Mario Bros 3 for the NES obsessively, and being all of about six years old, that game was about as hard as it got. The day that I finally beat the game I was elated, I danced around the house and bragged to everyone and I couldn't WAIT for my dad to get home from work so I could tell him my big news. When his car finally pulled up I rushed outside into the driveway to tell him, but my sister, who had followed me out, told him before I could calm down enough to form words. I turned around and socked her in the stomach harder than I've ever hit anyone in my life, for stealing the news of my big accomplishment. I've probably done much douchier things in my life, but I've never felt as douchy as I did seconds after impact when she lay doubled over on the asphalt sobbing. Everyone forgot about my triumphant Mario 3 win pretty quickly after that.

  7. I got a car and my brother got a computer.

  8. I once was a bag, bottle, or some other source of liquid connected to a long, slim, round tip with holes located at the top. My applicator tip was inserted into the vagina and the water was expelled (by squeezing the bottle or opening the valve on an bag) into the vagina and allowed to flow out. This was usually done on the toilet or in the shower. The water rinsed the inside of the vagina to remove to clean, rinse away blood after monthly periods, or get rid of odors.

    am i doing this right?