I'd Literally Hit That: Gabe

Hello, chidren, and welcome again to another installment of I’d Literally Hit That. “But teacherman” you say through a mouthful of Lemonheads and Evan Williams, “it’s been a while sense you were around these parts. We…phew boy, this is awkward…erm, we thought you were dead. We had a funeral and everything. It was like a zombie orgy – nobody came.” Well, I’m not dead bitches. Excuse me, I mean I’m not dead, bitches (see, commas are important, my students). I may be a bit run down from some long hours at work, and I may or may not have lost a hand to Skeledog while he was in his death throes, but I, myself, am not dead. I am, like the brothers of River Phoenix and Dan Gordon-Levitt, very much alive.

Anywhooooooo, I’d Literally Hit That. So, as many of you know this little segment of mine is inspired by our very own This Is My Nightmare’s column “I’d Hit That” in which she describes the salmagundi she would like to prepare with one parts Joaquin Phoenix and two parts Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

My posts are similar, though instead of this:

I provide a wholesome explanation of whom I would like to literally hit with my bare hands.

This week’s choice: Gabe. Dun dun DUN!

So first, in defense of Gabe. The man is hilarious (see: http://bit.ly/fccz3O). Hell, even when he is phoning it in, he's still funnier and more intelligent than 90% of the internet (see: http://bit.ly/dPy5V3). Plus, REINDEER SWEATERS!!!

And, erm, this. Ladies?

So then why would I want to do harm to this very funny, very fit, very ding dong patron of ours? I present you THIS!

OhmygodOhmygodOhmgodOhmygodOhmygodOhmgod. Are you guys looking at that picture? Who’s not looking at that picture? You? Well, allow me to engage you in philosophical—

BOOM! Birdie. That’s fucking Birdie. AND SO IS THIS!

And this...

AND THIS!

So, in short, I want to knock Gabe unconscious and steal the dog THAT HE DOES NOT DESERVE. I don’t care how many walks her takes her on, she will be mine. And for that, I will literally hit him.