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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Gums Of Our Lives: Episode 5

Just Desserts pulled up in front of a dilapidated house on an otherwise barren road. He walked up the overgrown path and reached the front door. Above it read “1537.” He tried the bell, but heard no sound, so he knocked on the door. He heard shuffling and banging from deep within the house, then a series of large, imposing footsteps as they reached the door.
“What’s the password?” Growled a voice from behind.
“Kisses and Lyes,” replied Just Desserts.
A series of bolts were unlocked and the door swung open.
“Just Desserts,” the man behind the door stated.
“Paper Street Soap Company.”
Paper Street stepped out of the shadows and offered his hand. Just Desserts took it and smiled.
“It’s good to see you, you enormous blue-haired Kurt Vonnegut-looking motherfucker.”
“Yeah, yeah. Good to see you too. Come on in.”
They entered the foyer, if you could call it that. Paper Street turned to him.
“So what brings you to my humble abode?” He asked.
“I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve gotten mixed up in something crazy. I need to disappear for a while.”
“What’s her name?”
“How’d you know it was a girl?”
“With you, Just Desserts. It’s always a girl.”
Just Desserts chuckled. “You know me too well, Paper Street,” he replied. “Her name’s not important. The less you know the better. What is important is that I need a new passport and credit cards. And a weapon.”
Paper street whistled. “Wow. Must be some dame.” Just Desserts nodded. “You have no idea,” he said, shaking his head.
Paper Street opened the door to his basement and began to descend, beckoning to Just Desserts to follow. Paper Street continued, ducking his head under the beams. “The documents I can help you with. No problem. I stopped trucking in weapons a while ago, though, but I know a guy who I work with some times. He can get you what you need.”
“Thanks, Paper Street. You’re a real life-saver”
“Don’t mention it. A couple more times like this and we’ll be even.”
They reached the basement, and Just Desserts looked around. In stark contrast to the barrenness on the ground floor, the very room seemed to buzz with electronic life. Every wall was filled with racks upon racks of gear. Several computers whirred away at different terminals, and there were various imposing-looking machines in the corner that Just Desserts had no idea what they did, nor did he want to. Paper Street sat at one of the terminals and began to type furiously. He turned to Just Desserts.
“It’s going to be an hour or two, probably. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll call my guy while you wait.”
Just Desserts cleared some papers off of a chair and sat down, his mind awash with thoughts about Thisismynightmare. Wondering whether or not she was ok. Wondering where she was. Wondering whether or not his house was still standing.

Just Dessert’s house was still standing, for the time being. A black sedan pulled up in front and The Narrator got out and walked to the door. He stepped in through the giant hole where the door once was as he produced a black metallic box from his pocket and pressed a green button on it. The Winbot emerged from behind the stairs.
“Hello, Master,” it mechanically intoned.
“Don’t you ‘Hello, Master’ me. I just got your sext. You mean to tell me that not only is Thisismynightmare not here, but you let Just Desserts escape?”
“F. Yeah, bro. That’s what I said. The ‘F’ stands for ‘Fuck.’”
“This is unacceptable. I created you for one simple purpose—“
“Hahaha you are so dumb you created me for many purposes why don’t you check yourself before you wreck yourself, brah.”
“Fine. I created you for many purposes. All of them are simple. If you can’t do them, I might as well destroy you.”
“Whatevs. I don’t give a care, friend.”
The Narrator flipped a switch on the device in his hand. The button turned from green to red. He paused, his finger hovering two inches above the button. The Winbot stared at him, unblinking.
“No.” He put the device back into his pocket. “I created you to be a destructive horrible monster, and a destructive horrible monster is what you are. I need you.”
“Fag,” replied the Winbot.
Outside of the house and down the street A Serious Monster sat in her car, watching the proceedings through her camera, snapping pictures as she did so. “What are you doing at Just Desserts’ house?” She thought to herself. “And why are you so easy to tail? The Narrator, you make it easier than a game of cribbage. Note to self: Learn how to play cribbage.”
It had been a day since Teacherman’s funeral, and Thisismynightmare and Babyfriday were sitting in her house. “I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you,” Thisismynightmare began, “But I thought it might be easier if you had some friends with you. So I invited over the other members of our super-exclusive best friends club. I hope that’s ok.”
“You hope that’s ok? Of course it is! They’re my best friends. They are literally the only people I care about besides my husband,” BabyFriday squealed with glee.
“Good. Not everyone could make it, but they should be here in half an hour.”
Half an hour later The Kelburrows and Briadru4 arrived, and half an hour after that they were all drunk on SoCo and lime. BabyFriday tapped her glass and addressed the ladies.
“Y’all, I am so sorry about my husband being dead and all, but I’ll take any excuse to hang out with you three. Y’all are really the most important people in my life.”
“We’re sorry too!” The Kelburrows yelled, hugging BabyFriday.
“I know. I’m sorry Cake couldn’t make it. She had something to do with her job as a claims adjustor that she couldn’t get out of.” Braidru4 said, joining the hug.
“Y’all. Don’t you think it’s weird that Cake has to leave town all the time for her job? I didn’t think you had to be that well-versed in world travel to be a claims adjustor.” Thisismynightmare asked.
“Hey! Don’t talk ill about CakeorDeath! She is a member of the super-exclusive super-awesome exclusive best friends club. We do not tolerate anyone talking shit about one of our own. We also are super-exclusive,” BabyFriday interrupted. “And if you don’t like it?”
“Y’all butthurt!” They all yelled, collapsing to the floor in gales of laughter. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
“Who said people could come in and interrupt our party?” BabyFriday asked, indignantly. “Go see who it is, The Kelburrows.”
The Kelburrows got up and opened the door. Suddenly, she jumped back and clasped her hand to her mouth in surprise. Standing there, covered in dirt and blood, was Teacherman.


  1. "Super exclusive best friends club", so best.

  2. As a member of the super-exclusive super-awesome exclusive best friends club, I'm not sure how I feel about our inner-workings being exposed where ANYONE IN THE WORLD can see them like this. I mean, what if someone else feels like they are allowed to be friends with us now?

  3. I totes know what you mean, Kel. We are going to have to turn alot of people away from our lunch table next week.

  4. Not only did I get introduced, but I'm a badass?!
    Merry Christmas to me.
    Thanks Lawblog.