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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 13


As the seconds counted down to their demise, Agent Cakeordeath couldn’t help but find the metronomic sound of their impending doom to be strangely hypnotic. She stared at the flashing red numbers, watching them change in rhythm.

“Snap out of it, Cake!”

Agent Huckabeast shook her out of her trance.

“We need a plan! Stat!”

“Oh, right. Uh. Let’s see…”

She began to go over the device.

“Ok, so, we have a dead man’s trigger with no reversies double tapsies, a pressure switch with extra doohickeys, and enough C4 to blow us into a brunoise.”

“What’s a brunoise?” Dr. Principal Enchman asked.

“It’s a cooking term. It means 1/8th inch by 1/8th inch dice.”

“Guys!” Agent Huckabeast interrupted. “We only have twenty-five seconds. We need to figure out something or we’re going to die!”

Agent Cakeordeath stood up.

“Well,” She began. “I can’t disarm it. Not in the time we have. Our only choice is to run.”

“Will we make it?” Dr. Principal Enchman asked, his voice beginning to shake.

“It’s unlikely. But we have to try,” Agent Cakeordeath said.

They turned around and began to run back the way they came. Suddenly, Sergeant Duncan stopped them.

“Wait!” He yelled. “Where’s Capu Flapu and the Spasmatic Pentagrams?”

They turned around. Standing by the bomb was the little mustachioed robot. He turned to them.

“You all go on ahead. If I run with the bomb in the opposite direction it will increase your chances of survival by three hundred and twenty three percent.”

“But Capu!” Duncan wailed.

“Enough, dear Duncan. You have been a good partner and a good friend. I am but a machine. A collection of wires and diodes and moustaches. Actually, just one moustache. But this is life. Life is for the living. So live, Sergeant Duncan. Live.”

Sergeant Duncan was bawling now, and had to be restrained by Agent Huckabeast.

“And Dr. Principal Enchman,” Capu Flapu continued as he picked up the bomb. “I do hope you find your lost love. Now fly, you fools.”

With that, he zipped down the hallway and disappeared around a bend.

“Come on,” Agent Huckabeast urged them. “If we don’t run now his sacrifice will have been in vain!”

The remaining four broke into a sprint.

Behind them they heard a low rumble. It got louder and louder, when suddenly a wall of flame leapt out behind them. They dove to the ground as debris flew over their heads. Then, as quickly as it had started, it was over.

They slowly rose to their feet, dusting themselves off.

“Is everyone ok?” Agent Huckabeast asked.

Dr. Principal Enchman and Agent Cakeordeath nodded, coughing. Sergeant Duncan began to sob.

“Capu Flapuuuuuuuuuu!” He wailed, gnashing his teeth and rending his garments.

“Hey now. There’s no need to rend.” Dr. Principal Enchman began comforting him. “I only knew him for about ten minutes, but he was a good robot.”

“He was more than that. He was my friend.”

“I know. But you can honor his memory and his friendship by continuing what you set out to do. Such as, I don’t know, helping me find my lost love?”

“I suppose…” He sighed deeply.

“That’s the spirit!” Dr. Principal Enchman slapped him on the back.

Nearby, Agents Huckabeast and Cakeordeath were reuniting.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Agent Huckabeast asked.

“For the hundredth time, yes. I’m fine.” Agent Cakeordeath brushed his hand off.

“Listen. About before. I’m sorry about what I said. I know you were just doing it for me. I mean, I was faced with losing you right now, and I can definitely say I would have done the same thing.”

“You listen to me,” She said, looking at him straight in the googly eyes. “I have been shot, stabbed, electrocuted, waterboarded, almost blown up, punched, kicked, and Ke$haed. None of those things hurt as much as what you said to me.”

“I know. I have no excuse. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

She looked at him. Slowly, her features softened. They embraced.

“Let’s never fight again,” Agent Cakeordeath smiled, tears streaming down her cheeks.

There on the tunnel floor, covered in debris, a giant furry blue monster and a Norma Shearer lookalike began to make out. It was… weird.


The police had photographed the crime scene, bagged all of the neccessary evidence, and finally left the Teacherfriday residence. BabyFriday, The Kelburrows, and Teacherman stood in the hallway, still in disarray.

“What the shit do we do?” BabyFriday demanded. “Are we just supposed to sit here and wait for a call from the police?”

“Pretty much,” The Kelburrows shrugged.

“My sister is out there somewhere. Our friends are out there somewhere! I can’t just do nothing!”

Teacherman patted her on the shoulder.

“It’s ok, honey.” She shook his hand away. “It’s not ok! Obviously you can’t be expected to have any concern, seeing as you can’t really remember them. But I’ma finna go crazy if I just sit around here twiddling my thumbs.”

“Where else can we go?” The Kelburrows asked.

“That officer suggested we find a hotel,” Teacherman interjected.

“But what if they come back? How will they know where to find us?” BabyFriday posed, sassily.

“That’s a good point.” The Kelburrows nodded.

They stood there for a minute, thinking. Slowly, Teacherman raised his head.

“I… I used to work at a University, right?”

“That’s right, honey. You did! You’re memory is coming back!”

“Slowly. It’s coming back slowly. What if we went there? They have dorms, right? And wouldn’t they maybe check there if they came home and didn’t find us?”

“Well, it’s not the first thing I thought of, but that does make sense. What do you think, The Kelburrows?”

“Seems like a decent enough idea to me.” She shrugged.

With that, they piled back into the car and pulled out of the driveway. As they drove down the street, they were unaware of a maroon Cadillac pulling out behind them. In turn, the driver of that Cadillac was unaware that the “Check Engine” light had just turned on. Elsewhere, The Narrator was unaware that a large group of hybrids was making their way through the sewers on the way to his house, KajusX was unaware that the long-rumored movie adaptation of Preacher finally had a confirmed director, and an unemployed musician was unaware that you have to take the beans out of the can before microwaving them.




  2. ...but WHO'S in the maroon Cadillac?

  3. Wait, when do we find out what happens when you microwave beans in a can? Next week? Is it next week?

  4. I cannot WAIT for the movie adaptation. Can I play myself? And everyone else can play him/herself? And instead of a movie, it's a drunken meetup?

  5. *AHEM* I think that Dr. Principal Enchman would know what a brunoise is. He is a DOCTOR after all.

  6. On a related note, great job Lawblog! Yay, Lawblog won the superbowl, yay!

  7. I like the SOAP ending, but there wasn't any of the promised holocaust denial.

  8. Godsauce, holocaust denial is implied. It's like a soap explicitly saying "A husband cheats on his wife with a clinically deranged woman with an evil alter-ego who may actually be a twin but might not, and after they have torrid sex in a coat room at a fancy event that everyone is attending, she's going to be institutionalized!" It just goes without saying.