Gums of Our Lives: Episode 1

By popular demand, I present to you: "Gums of Our Lives"

It was a cold December night, and The Narrator was busy in his laboratory. He laughed to himself as he bent over his machine. “Reckless?” he cackled to himself. “Irresponsible? I’ll show them reckless and irresponsible!” He wiped the fevered sweat from his brow as he checked the time. “Only minutes left, my pretty, and the world will truly know my greatness!”

Meanwhile, across town, his wife, Thisismynightmare, was on the phone with her psychologist. “I just don’t know what to do, Dr. Principal Enchman,” she cried into the phone. “Ever since he was fired by the University of Internet Science and Blog Technology he’s been so cold. So distant. He hardly ever comments, and I’m embarrassed to tell you the last time we tweeted together. He can barely even look at me.”

“Have you considered started a hashtag game?” Dr. Principal Enchman replied

“I have! I’ve tried everything! #sexymovies #peenmovies #ryangoslingmovies. Nothing works!”

“This seems very serious, indeed. Come to my office tomorrow and we will try to work through this.”

She thanked him and hung up the phone. Staring out of the window she wondered to herself, “Is this all there is?”

Suddenly she was startled by a phone ringing. She picked it up.

“Dr. Principal Enchman?” She asked.

“No. It’s Just Desserts.”

Her heart soared. Just Desserts. The very name set her world on fire.

“Oh, hi, JD, what’s up?” She stammered, trying to remain calm.

“Nothing much. Just checking in to see how you were doing.”

“Oh, I’m fine… fine…” She choked back tears.

“Are you sure? Do you need to listen to ‘Party People’?”

That was the final straw. Before she knew what she was doing she broke down and told him everything. The firing, the strange laboratory in the basement, her ennui. Everything. “I just don’t know what to do anymore! I have nowhere to go! I have nothing” she finally sobbed as she finished.

The line was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Finally,

“Pack your things. You’re coming to stay with me.” He stated with authority.

“What do you mean? I can’t just leave everything behind. You don’t know The Narrator! You don’t know what he’s like!”

“I can provide for you. And I will protect you. Trust me. The safest place you could be right now is Casa de JD. Just go now!”

Thisismynightmare hung up the phone and stared at the receiver. “Am I crazy enough to do this?” She thought to herself.

Half an hour later The Narrator emerged from his lab, a maniacal gleam in his eye. “Honey!” He called. “Come downstairs! It’s finally finished!” There was no response. “Hey! Honey!” He called again. Still nothing. “Thisismynightmare! Are you sleeping?” He began to climb the stairs. “I have something important to show you! Wake up!” He reached the bedroom and opened the door.

The bedroom was empty, save a note on the bed. He picked it up, his hands shaking.

“Dear The Narrator. I am sorry that it has to be like this, but I’m leaving you to be with Just Desserts. He just knows how to treat a lady. Also he’s a snappy dresser and does an amazing Stefon impression. Your wife, Thisismynightmare.”

He crushed the note in his hands and howled to the ceiling. “THISISMYNIGHTMARE! WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!” Suddenly, his eyes lit up. “Yes” he said to himself. “Yes. That would be perfect!” He cackled aloud as he raced down to his laboratory. “Oh this is too perfect. Just Desserts, you have no idea what you’re in for.”

He busted open the door and ran over to his machine, throwing off the protective dust cover. “You wanted to play? We can play!” he screamed as he threw the power switch.

A loud mechanical whirr filled the room as The Narrator rubbed his hands together. Slowly, the beast started to move, both arms slowly rising and falling, it’s mouth opening and closing, revealing its razor sharp teeth glinting in the moonlight. Its eyes lit up as it surveyed the room.

“Yes! Yes! I have created life!” The Narrator crowed.

The machine stood up and began to slowly move around the room. The narrator jumped in front of it.

“Hello, my friend. I am The Narrator. I created you. Do you know what that means?”

The beast nodded.

“Good. Good. You were created for a purpose. Do you know what that is?”

The beast nodded again. “To be the world’s greatest troll.” It mechanically intoned.

“Yes. Yes. Exactly. I need you to do something for me. I need you to troll this woman. Can you do that for me?” He asked, holding up a picture of Thisismynightmare.

The beast studied the picture closely. He turned to The Narrator and nodded, saying only one thing.

“She’s pretty.”