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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

High School/Low Point

High School/Low Point

Fake papers inspired by the real trauma of being a high school teacher. This column will feature essays that will offer a window into the minds of my darling students. I thought it appropriate that I begin with a student-written biography of me.

by: Baby Friday

Señora Friday: Profile of Cruelty

by A. Student

Señora Friday, a minion of the cruel administration at High School Academy, cannot help but command attention. Some attribute it to her habit of getting all in your face if you try to sleep. Some attribute it to the fact that she talks really, really loudly. Whatever the reason, it is clear that her reign of terror will not end any time soon.

But who is this madwoman, and why has she chosen to torment innocent students? For the answer, we must examine not only her past, but also her present and future. She was probably born in Spain or somewhere; we can deduce this due to her intense love of all things Spanish. She went to school many years ago, before things were cool, and at some point she wrote a seventy-page paper. As if this was not bad enough, it was apparently entirely written in Spanish, which would probably make anyone mean. The identity of the person that made her write such a paper is not known, but one thing is clear: after that traumatic experience she began to emulate that person's unnatural heartlessness with a fervor normally reserved for religious observation.

She came to HSA at some point, after needlessly torturing the college students at the University of Georgia instead of letting them drink beer. She counts among her professional high points making students cry, watching Telemundo, and failing to see the humor in funny things. Her passion for grading papers will often have her assigning completely unnecessary writing assignments in order to have activities to fill her hours and hours of free time. Naturally, she sleeps at school, under a pile of worksheets, dreaming of the day when the school week will stretch to include Saturday and Sunday.

One anomaly in her life is her marriage to the famous Mr. Teacherman. In addition to having an awesome name, clear evidence of his inherent coolness, Mr. Teacherman is a snappy dresser. He listens exclusively to classical music, a window into why he would subject himself to pledging a lifetime with Señora Friday--it is entirely possible that he is a sadist. Mr. Teacherman once told a student to shut up, earning him the instant respect of students the world over, and his legend continues to grow at private schools in the region. Some have theorized that Señora Friday makes Mr. Teacherman learn Spanish when they are at home together, although evidence is hazy that Mr. Teacherman would allow this to happen. Some students make the argument that Mr. Teacherman alone knows the Señora's first name, although other students contend that Señora is, in fact, the name she was given at birth. Because she's from Spain.

As to Mrs. Señora Friday-Teacherman's future, one can only speculate. The thin sliver of hope that most in her classes cling to is that someday she will be convinced to stop teaching altogether, and will be content with showing movies in English. There are whispers that in the second semester she intends to teach the subjunctive, a well-known health hazard. Whatever the case, she may let her students play Pictionary, and as any student knows that will kill at least fifteen minutes that could have otherwise been spent in the drudgery of worksheets or listening to Señora Friday ramble in Spanish about something. What is that something? We don't know; we weren't listening.

Author bio:
A. Student is famed for his verbal portraits of teachers, which he works on in between sneaking text messages and laughing at teachers who trip on computer cords. Already accepted to Auburn University, he professes excitement about his college career, which will include pledging his brother's fraternity and wearing frayed hats while generally avoiding class. His shirt is untucked.

10 comments:

  1. I give this an A. Well composed, good spelling. GREAT JOB!

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  2. The author bio cracks my shit up.

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  3. I can think of about 20 people off the top of my head who fit the author bio description PERFECTLY.

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  4. Bravo, Senora Friday!

    Confession time: I am actually one of your students and you have just been incepted!

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  5. I hope there are more of these coming. This was close to perfection.

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