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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 6

Teacherman stumbled through the front door. He managed to cough a strangled “Help me,” as he collapsed into The Kelburrows’ arms. In response, she screamed. The other girls quickly ran to the entranceway. “What the hell is going on?” BabyFriday began to demand in the nicest way possible, but stopped as soon as she saw the tableau in front of her. “T—Teacherman?” She stammered, before fainting. Thisismynightmare and Briadru4 came in right behind her, screamed, and fainted.

Five minutes later The Kelburrows was able to revive everyone with the smelling salts she kept in her purse for just such emergencies. BabyFriday groggily opened her eyes. “What happened?’ She began. “I just had the craziest dream that Teacherman was still alive.”

“It wasn’t a dream,” responded The Kelburrows, “He’s in the living room.”

BabyFriday started to faint again, but The Kelburrows shook her awake.

“No time for fainting! It’s real! Go to him!”

“But… I can’t… I’m too weak.”

The Kelburrows grabbed BabyFriday by the shoulders.

“Well, I may not be able to carry your load, BabyFriday, but I can carry you!”

With that, she hoisted her onto her back, and carried her the ten feet to the living room.

“There you go. You’re welcome.” She said, plopping her down in the easy chair.

BabyFriday ran over to the couch and clutched her husband’s face in her hands.

“Oh, Teacherman. I thought I’d lost you,” She sobbed, embracing him.

Teacherman did not return the embrace.

“What’s the matter?” She continued. “It’s me! BabyFriday! Your wife! Look at me!” She held his face up to hers.

“I—I—I don’t… I don’t know you…” He mumbled, confused.

“What do you mean?” She said, growing desperate, “Is this a joke?”

“No… No joke… Where am I? What is this place?”

“This is your home. I am your wife.”

“I… don’t remember. I… there was…explosion… my head.”

He touched the top of his head, his hair matted down with blood.

“We need to get him to a doctor!” The Kelburrows sprung into action. “Here. We can take my car.”

She grabbed Teacherman and BabyFriday, one on each shoulder, and carried them out to the car. She turned back to the house.

“Thisismynightmare and Briadu4. You stay here. I’ll be back.”

Still groggy from the screaming and fainting, they nodded.


The Agency headquarters was in a nondescript building in an office park, as befitting a shadowy organization that thrives on deception and secrecy. Agents CakeorDeath and Huckabeast brought Dr. Principal Enchman through the front entrance, past the Starbucks, and into a Dentist’s office.

“Am I going to get my teeth cleaned first?” Dr. Principal Enchman asked, jokingly.

“Shut up,” responded CakeorDeath.

She twisted one of those teeth cleaning thingies on the tray, and a false wall opened behind the plastic potted plants. They passed through the entrance and the door closed shut behind them. Standing there to great them was a robot with a toupee and a man with half a face. Agent CakeorDeath stepped forward.

“Allow me to introduce our friends from across the pond. Members of the RLF.”

“RLF?” Dr. Principal Enchman asked.

“Royal Lorry Force, old chum,” the man with half a face smiled. “Sergeant Duncan is my name.” He proffered his hand. Dr. Principal Enchman shook it.

The robot stepped forward. “And I am Capu Flapu and the Spasmatic Pentagrams. You can call me Capu Flapu for short.” They, too, shook.

“You’re probably wondering why we brought in a couple of limeys,” CakeorDeath began. “You see, they know a little something about your missing girlfriend.”

“Oh dear,” Duncan said, adjusting his ascot, “This is a spot of bother.” He coughed nervously. “You see, your erstwhile female companion, I believe you knew her as Lilbobbytables?”

Dr. Principal Enchman nodded, silent.

“Yes, well. Oh dear. How shall I put this? It seems that you were unaware, but she was actually an undercover agent of the RLF. She was just supposed to come here for some undercover work, the details of which I can’t get into at this moment, for reasons I’m sure you will understand.” He twirled his moustache and continued. “Anyway, she was supposed to keep a low profile, but something changed. She… She fell in love. Her status was comprised, so we had to fake her own death before she was actually killed.”

Dr. Principal Enchman stood there, speechless.

Sergeant Duncan coughed again. “So… on behalf of the RLF, we are dreadfully sorry. No hard feelings, eh, sport?”

Dr. Enchman still said nothing.

“So, there you have it.” Agent Cakeordeath said, breaking the silence. “Now make with the information.”

“But… But you said you’d help me find her.” Dr. Principal Enchman stumbled, still in shock.

“And we will. But first we need information.”

Suddenly, an alarm blared across the room.


Agent Huckabeast sprung into action. “Quickly, everyone! Into the tunnel!” He turned and ran, the other agents and Dr. Principal Enchman behind him.

“What’s going on?” Dr. Enchman asked as he was pushed along the corridor.

“Security Breach in sector seven. Durrr.” Agent Cakeordeath replied.


There was a knock on the door at #1537. Paper Street Soap Company looked up from his computer. “Ah,” he said, “That must be him. Come with me, Just Desserts.” They walked upstairs and opened the front door. Standing there was Batman holding a chainsaw.

“KajusX, meet Just Desserts. Just Desserts, meet KajusX.”

They nodded to each other as KajusX entered.

“So this is the guy who needed weapons?” He asked, his voice a deep growl.

“I am,” Just Desserts responded. “I’ll take whatever you’ve got.”

With that, KajusX produced a duffle bag from his tool belt and began to remove weapons from it. “Smith & Wesson .38, Mossberg 12 gauge, Desert Eagle .50, Bushmaster AR-15, Colt M1911, H&K hk416, Sig Sauer P226. Not to mention a Kramer assault knife.”

“Impressive,” Just Desserts whistled. “But what about that?” he said, pointing to another item in the bag.

“This?” KajusX asked, picking it up. “This is mine.” He smiled mischievously.

Paper Street laughed. “Yeah, Just Desserts. You don’t fuck with KajusX’s chainsaws.”

“Sorry. Didn’t know.” He picked up the Mossberg.

“You know what time it is?” Just Desserts asked.

“No. I left my phone downstairs.”

“I’ll tell you.” He cocked the gun. “It’s monster hunting time.”


  1. Hmmm, teacherman thinks that the episode that he was featured most prominently is the best. Why am I not surprised?
    But in all seriousness, this is great lawblog. It is truly amazing. We are all in debt to you.

  2. Interestingly this is my favorite episode ever also. How odd...

  3. Principal, it's admissions season. Don't you have a board meeting to go to?

  4. This is probably my favorite thing that exists. Probably.

  5. The Kelburrows told me I was in this at the Los Angeles Monster Meet-Up. I read the first one when you posted a link to it during chat, Lawblog, but I have fallen woefully behind. I am catching up right now, and I am loving it.