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| One of the greatest. |
What up, MOBDF? I’ve wanted to write a column for you guys
to laugh at for a while but in all honesty I felt I had nothing to offer.
Naturally, this sparked within me an existential crisis. A crisis affecting me
so wholly that it led me on a journey in which I sought to rediscover what, if anything,
made me great. I spent many weeks alone, far removed from human contact with
nothing but rain water for nourishment and I have now returned from the wild
reborn as a shining beacon of light in this dark, dark world.
Nah, just kidding, I got drunk alone in a hotel room one
night and decided, “Haters gonna hate so Imma be me!”
So here I am. My name is West and I am a hater!
I don’t waste my time trying express love or admiration for
anything since it is just too much of a bother. Instead, I aim to tear
everything down until it exists on my level, the festering sewer of depression,
sweat, and alcohol that exists beneath the foundation of normal society. I
guess you could say I dwell in some sort of social sewer slowly
eroding the pillars of normal society with the gentle lapping of its pissy waves.
You see, throughout the course of human history, artists and
dreamers have spent their entire lives trying to perfectly capture but even one
nanosecond of the beauty that is this world. I dunno about you guys but my mind
is disgustingly inept at comprehending Glee, let alone the world. I could spend the rest of my life
contemplating a single square foot parcel of land and still not express its
intricacies in any way befitting its grandeur. So I say, “Fuck it! Fuck you,
world! I can’t enjoy you so I will hate you.”
I know most of you don’t have the free time I do to put into
hating but don’t fret for I am here to help. I am going to condense all your
hating needs into handy guides. Print them out and hang them on your fridge.
Laminate a wallet copy. Do whatever you want to do with the guides. It is up to
you.
Some upcoming guides will include A Hater’s Guide to the 83rd
Academy Awards, A Hater Sports Fan’s Guide to Spring Sports (R.I.P. Football),
Hater’s Guide to President’s Day, so on and so forth. If there is anything
special you want me to hate on or if you would like to express your hatred for
me, tell me at wwwestis@gmail.com, get
@ me @_wwwest or leave a pithy comment. (Thanks guys!)
DAMN! Beat me to my blog idea! I am very excite to see this
ReplyDeleteYes!!!!!!!!!!!! I love(?) hating on things!
ReplyDeleteYay for hatred! Please do the Grammys. Everyone seems to think that by giving the Grammy to Arcarde Fire either they've redeemed themselves or lost their cred, with are both totally ridiculous statements. They gave the Award to the most populair alternative act to gain street cred(for what isn't even their best album), even though they already SHOULD be a household name and won the Grammy two years ago. Not only that, most of the performances are by people like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, not Titus Andronicus or Beach House to name a few acts. And lest us forget Train won a Grammy, so there's that.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Big Bang Theory. Social ineptitude is not funny and making fun of those people is fucking messed up. High school is over, stop making fun of nerds!
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ReplyDelete