Hater’s Guide to Presidents’ Day

My birthday was yesterday, I turned 26 miserable years old. However, this isn’t a hater’s guide to birthdays so I will move on.

Let’s talk President’s Day.

First off, what a Commie holiday! “Oh Glorious Leaders, we thank you for the many sacrifices (read: slave trading, land stealing, genocide, corporate collusion, cover-ups, and oil wars) you’ve made to make our country superior to the evil brown nations to the south and the cultureless arctic wasteland to the north. Many blessings upon you, Dear Leaders!” Un-American, disgusting. Please elect me President of Barf, together we will bring about change we can vomit in

Actually, back to birthday’s for a minute. Fuck off, birthdays! No one wants you here anymore, stop lingering!

Okay, second beef with President’s Day: it was originally created as an observance of George Washington’s bday. George Washington, a dude with no teeth and syphilis who owned more than 100 slaves. Most people like to say he’s the father of this country so he deserves a holiday or two. NO! If he is the father then who is the mother, huh? The untold hoards of workers, soldiers, and religious zealots that founded this country and fought for its independence, that’s who. In fact, we are all the mothers of this country, we feed it, we bathe it, and we even wipe its ass. All Washington did was stick his dick in us and wiggle around a little then that bastard just rolled right over and lit his pipe. George Washington was the worst kind of asshole and he doesn’t deserve even one holiday. In fact, we should take him to court and get some child support from that deadbeat.

He especially doesn’t need to have a holiday that always falls so close to MY birthday! I can never do anything because everyone else is tryin’a do something this week. Forget traveling, fares are hiked and everywhere is crowded. Forget staying in because everyone is traveling

Sorry, this isn’t about me, this is about the ridiculousness of President’s Day. 

I really think today should actually be called Free Mason Day. All the Prezs were Free Masons; watch any National Treasure film and it will pretty much confirm this. The Presidents were always hiding pots of gold or covering up some horrible national secret that would awaken us, the sheeple and mothers of this country, to all the BS we’ve been subjected to over the years. For example: did you know Grover Cleveland was messin’ around with Luxembourg? My baby daddy better not be messin’ around with that ho! Please.

Annnd that pretty much sums up Presidents' Day. It is a day for a bunch of dead white dudez to sit around and high five each other in hell about the times they took the mothers of this country to the metaphorical men's bathroom in the metaphorical club in suburban Georgia. It also steals the thunder from my birthday and that is absolutely reprehensible.

Hate on me or tell me what to hate on with a comment, an email to wwwestis@gmail.com, or a tweet @_wwwest.