This site does not represent the views of

Bear with us while we get this organized. This site does not represent the views of Send submissions to Send tips to if they are not posted there, wait a while & send them to Take care, Stay Awesome.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can't stand - justifiably or not - in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren't the characters you're supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)

Ugh. You know who I hate? Casey Jones! Don't get me wrong, there are lot of really hateable characters in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) - Raphael (blugh, go to your room) and Danny (stop being a turd) - but Casey Jones takes the cake. What an idiot! What an asshole! This bitch.

We've all seen the movie, right? If not, go watch it and then come back. You need to trust me when I say I know what I'm talking about on this. TMNT (1990) was one of maybe four VHS tapes I had so I watched it probably at least once a month between the ages of 8 and 14. I hit puberty to this movie. I got into college on the heels of an essay I wrote about how I'm like April O'Neil in this movie. I'm a total TMNT (1990)-head.
So first off, Casey Jones is stupid. He's just a stupid idiot with some stupid muscles. He's also a chauvinist and borderline date rapist. He's also just not hot at all (sorry ladies who love Casey Jones - I just don't see it) and he looks like he stinks like old potatoes. April O'Neil could've done so much better.
I don't understand how we're supposed to root for Casey Jones. The first time we meet him he's trying to bash some kids' heads in with a baseball bat while making awful baseball puns. Then later he just kind of rolls uninvited into the antiques store while it's burning down and just hitches a ride to the country with April and the turtles. Who the hell asked him to come? Then the whole time they're in the country he's just being all greasy and trying to get in April's pants in the worst way possible. He's not even nice. At one point he forces her into a chair and holds her down while he rubs her shoulders. Two things on this: 1) Ew, and 2) Inappropriate! She didn't ask for that. And his use of excessive force was more than a little off putting. He isn't a nice guy and he never turns nice. He's a selfish, stupid, weak man who makes some of the worst sports puns in the whole world.
And then for some reason I can never figure out, April ends up kissing him. (April! Get your head in the game! If you even met one other man in the whole world there's an 85% chance he'd be better than Casey Jones.) Facetaco and I were discussing this briefly in chat and I said that I'd prefer that she hooked up with Raphael. The taco wasn't really on my side with that one, but I stand firm. I would rather April O'Neil committed bestiality with a neuter mutant turtle than fuck Casey Jones and that's that. I rest my case.
The end,


  1. I completely forgot about this guy, you'd think a famous crime-fighting reporter who hangs out with ninja turles, zen master rats & stefon could do so much better. Every movie back then had a dumb older brother/bully who we were supposed to hate. Why were we supposed to like him all of the sudden? why, tmnt (1990)? Why?!!

  2. Superglue, now I have to watch this movie again so I can complain too! Netflix queue here I come!