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Monday, March 14, 2011

A Monster's Guide: Dealing with Canadians

First of all, I love being Canadian. It's super neat! Secondly, Canadians are really fucking annoying.

I could end this "column" there and feel satisfied, but in true annoying Canadian style let me expound on this statement of absolute truth. Let me elucidate, enlighten and enspire you. My goal is to offer you, my non-Canadian monster friends, the tools necessary to communicate with and appreciate your enigmatic Northern cousins.

But before I get into what makes Canadians so fucking annoying, I think the first thing we need to do is acknowledge the elephant in the room. By ignoring that elephant we give it power, and no one likes powerful elephants. I'm talking of course, about the "Celebrity Scoop" sketch from this weekend's episode of SNL. If you are an American in America you can watch the clip over here, but since Hulu discriminates against foreigners I can't even get a link to embed the video. Thankfully it's on youtube. Hold on kids, this one is super high def:

I've had two days to think about this sketch and like many of you, I've only gotten angrier. The problem isn't that they're making fun of Canadians (we love the attention), it's that the writers were goddamn lazy. They made fun of the three things that anyone who thinks about Canada (and there are like, 2 of you) already knows.

1.) The accent - I get it. I talk funny. But I definitely don't sound like whatever the heck Fred Armisen was doing. I guess Zach's part was funny. It makes sense! We like long vowels!

2.) It's cold - Of course it is.

3.) We're nice and non-judgemental - Yeah, yeah, I get it. You'll step on my foot and I'll apologize for it. It's really not that funny. In fact, it's kind of something we should see a therapist about?

4.) I know I said three things but you know what else they got wrong? If the sketch is taking place in Winnipeg then their friend can't be "stuck up in Manitoba" because the road is closed. Winnipeg is IN Manitoba. They're already there! It doesn't make any sense!*

I'm willing to admit that a poorly written, poorly executed sketch on a hit-or-miss late night comedy show is not that big a deal. What I really want you to know is there is literally so much about Canada and Canadians they could make fun of, that falling back on lame, tired jokes is disappointing. If you put a little effort in, you can make a good joke! Point and case:

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. We've been good at making fun of Americans for a long time and find great satisfaction in doing so. Here is but one infamous example.**

*Sidenote: This is one of the things that makes Canadians fucking annoying, always pointing out how you know nothing about our geography. Seriously though, get a map. 
** I mean... infamous as in every Canadian knows about it. I don't know if that's enough population to count as infamous, but whatever.


  1. I've only been to Canada a couple of times, but every time it freaks me out how nice and welcoming your people are towards big scary looking brown dudes like me.

  2. Canadians have to use a laugh track to make fun of Americans?

    We win again!

  3. Whew! I loved this segment but once a week is enough

  4. Their producer is a moose??!!?!!?! HAHAHAHA! SO clever!

    Go to bed, SNL writers. Great post, FC.

  5. FC, if I had power, this would be a half hour sit-com on Tuesday nights, starring William Shatner (it is probably good that I have no power)

  6. As a Canadian, I am always embarrassed by the smug, self-satisfaction that "Talking to American" represents.

  7. But smug and self-satisfied is what we do best! We're "nice and welcoming," sure...but we fucking know it.
    Our smugness is a defensive posture to deal with a constant fear of inadequacy. It's the mouse sleeping next to the elephant.
    Speaking of Trudeau, have any First Ladies slept with Mick Jagger? I don't think so - take that, America!

  8. I was actually set to start writing a column called "A Message from the Prime Minister of Canadagum," but now fear that such a thing might only perpetuate the stereotype.