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Friday, February 18, 2011

MTT: The Super Exlusive Dead Friends Club

Here we are again. Time for ol' Papes to set you readers straight. This one is a sad one so grab a Kleenex if you are so inclined.

I like movies. I like movies a whole lot. I can't tell you the last name of 50% of my ex-girlfriends but I could rattle off to you the entire dialogue of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie. Some people's brains work differently. Don't judge me. However, there is one type of movie that always sticks in my craw...biopics. Being a time traveler, it is very frustrating to see events that you've witnessed with your own two eyes being completely falsified for the big screen. Books I can deal with, who reads books anyways? Wikipedia? Please. I don't even mind students being taught incorrect history for generations and generations, but movies? Movies should be held to a higher standard. Movies should get it right.

Cause in point:

Hollywood would have you believe that these two

were actually these assholes.

Oooooooooh, so sexy. So dangerous. Bonnie and Clyde: killers in love. Fart.

History, would tell us that Bonnie and Clyde were violent criminals that robbed over a dozen banks and killed at least 9 police officers during the great depression. What isn't covered in Wikipedia or the 1967 movie "Bonnie + Clyde" is that Bonnie and Clyde were patsies. Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were two young lovers from Texas. Bonnie was trying to get her life back together after she and her husband split and she found solace in the arms of the handsome stock boy from Telico. The two lived a quite life. They worked hard and they loved hard. The great depression lived up to its name, times were not easy. Through it all, they stayed honest. Following a work lead, they moved to Grapevine, TX. They had a small home and each other but they were strangers in this land.

These assholes, on the other hand

were murderous thieves. Teacherman and Baby Friday. The two heads of the infamous Teacherfriday Gang. There insatiable desire for money and blood stays unrivaled to this day. How do I know, you ask? I was the founding member of the Teacherfriday gang. That's me in the picture. Way in the back. Look at us, so nice.

BACKSTORY: Bored one night I had once again gotten drunk and started watching the History Channel (still waiting on that sponsor check guys). A special about America During the Great Depression was on. In my inebriated state I decided that this era did indeed seem like a total bummer. Wanting to spice things up I stumbled into the Wells HG3000 and off to Texas 1929 I went.

Upon arrival I was already losing my buzz so I made my way to the closest local tavern. I sat down at the bar and ordered another whiskey. Sitting next to me were a young couple. The man had a perm and a mustache, the woman was petite and blonde. As I drank, the couple complained and complained how they had no money and there relationship was starting to lack passion. Overhearing their conversation, I offered that in exchange for the remainder of the whiskey bottle and a ride back to my machine I would give them the answer to both of their problems. They declined at first, but as we continued to drink into the morning the couple eventually obliged me. We arrived back at 3k as best friends and posed for a photo. My fumbly hands started up the machine to get this drunken old writer to his bed. Teacherman grabbed me before I could go and reminded me of our deal. "You were supposed to tell us how to be happy again!" he demanded. His eyes were glossy and we had been having such a nice time but the man was angry and clearly serious. My hands bashed at the controls as I drunkenly stammered "uhhhh.....ummmm. I don't know......if you need money....rob a hck bank hahhaha"

the machine started up "and.....uhh kill anyone who gets in your way......I mean...hck....danger helps kickstttrt a relationship...."

I typed "2011" into the console "of course I'm only kiddd..."

I was gone.

As you probably put together by now, The Teacherfriday gang terrorized the state of Texas for many years to come. They robbed banks, killed innocents, and murdered cops. Each heist was more exhilarating than the last. Do I feel responsible? Maybe. Most likely not.

So why do you know of Bonnie and Clyde and and not the Teacherfriday gang? As the heat begun to grow on the TFG they decided to lay low in Grapevine. In a devious plan to make someone else take the fall, Teach invited a local stockboy and his wife over for Super Exclusive Best Friends parties. At first these parties were very nice dinner parties. Bonnie and Clyde were very happy to have met new friends. As their relationship grew, however, the events at the parties grew more and more strange. SEBFC events included:

Gangster Dress Up Time

Firearm Photo Fun

The Wine Drinking Contest

The Evidence Grab Bag

Pin Your Signature on the Confession

and of course

The Bonnie and Clyde-take-the-photos-and-the-grab-bag-and-the-confessions-put-them-in-our-trunk-and-drive-our-car-to-town-everyday Game.

Teacherfriday escaped and split.

Baby Friday was arrested 8 years later while laying low in a new development in the northwest. She had attacked a group of "haters" for looking at her funny at the first town meeting. Impressed by the viciousness of this stranger and the shear amount of profanity escaping her lips, the townsfolk decided that day to name the town after her. She served a 30 year stretch at the Yallbutthurt County Prison. Her whereabouts are currently unknown.Teacherman, using the credentials of his name, got a teaching job in South Dakota. For 17 years he worked diligently to send his students into the fourth grade with enough guidance and knowledge that they could successfully avoid the live life of crime that had consumed his own existence. After 8 years he was awarded early tenure. In 1950 he was awarded South Dakota's teacher of the decade. In 1951 he was arrested and sentenced to life in prison. During a multiplication/nutrition joint lesson he passed out various types of fruit for his students to categorize and multiply. Unfortunately while passing out the grapes, Teacherman commented on how tiny the grape he was giving to little Timmy Baker was. What Teach had forgotten was that Timmy had a speech impediment. Timmy's parents called the police immediately when their lisping son exclaimed that during class Mr. Teacherman had given him a little"mouse grape". It seems that Karma has a way of finding us all (Papes excluded). No matter how hard you try to correct your life, you must pay for your transgressions. Teacherman is 97 years old now. He has not been outside prison walls in 60 years. He is "mouse graped" nightly.

So what did we learn?

1) Drunken advice = bad advice.

2) Never borrow a friends car. Get your own car. Or walk. When people ask me "Hey, Papes, can i borrow your car?" I tell them to fuck off. I ain't no Avis.

3) Never give a grape to a lisper.

That's all for this week. Next week: Why the constitution has .gif at the end.
Exciting? exciting.


  1. So obviously I love this. "Bonnie and Clyde: killers in love. Fart." needs to be a catchphrase. Hilarious!


  3. This is amazing, and I have never felt so honored. I'm actually relieved to have the truth out...although now no one will play our party games with us!

  4. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Never trust a Babyman.

  5. Estimated time that I stop giggling stupidly because of the words "mouse grape": Never.

  6. Doing it right Mr Street, doing it right.