Gums of Our Lives: Episode 9

Now with 60% less Paltrow upskirts!

As A Serious Monster followed Facetaco through the sewers she began to question the choices she had made in her life up to this point. Choices that lead to her following a man with a taco for a face through a sewer, trying to gather information to find the missing wife of a mad scientist. Perhaps I should have gone to law school, like my parents wanted she thought to herself.

Facetaco turned to her as he contined to lead the way. “You’re probably thinking that you should have gone to law school, like your parents wanted.”

“How did you know?” She asked, startled.

Facetaco laughed, a hoarse, bubbly, unpleasant noise. The laugh turned into a violent cough as he expectorated something that A Serious Monster hoped was refried beans.

“Because that’s what they all think.” He garbled, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

Before A Serious Monster could say anything Facetaco held up his hand. “Yes. Before you say anything. There have been others. That is all I will say on the matter. Come with me.”

A Serious Monster stopped in her tracks.

“I’m not going anywhere until you explain at least something to me. Who are you? Why is your face a taco? What did The Narrator have to do with it?” she demanded.

Facetaco moved surprisingly quickly. Within a second he was in her face. His breath was warm and cheesy.

“You want to know?” He growled. “Fine. I’ll tell you. I used to be a man, like you. Well, not like you because you are a woman. I use ‘man’ as a short for human.”

“Why didn’t you just say ‘human’?”

“Don’t get all women’s lib, alright? I voted for Hillary. Anyway, I used to be a human. I was short on cash and saw that they were paying people to be subjects in an experiment at the University of Internet Science and Blog Technology. So I applied. I was accepted. The Narrator ran the experiments. If I had known then what I know about him now, I never would have consented. But I didn’t. He was experimenting with human hybrids. In his delusions he thought that it was the way of the future. I, as you no doubt can tell, was the attempted melding of a human and a Mexican restaurant. Unfortunately, there was a problem with the pico de gallo matrix and the machine shorted out, leaving me scarred as I am today. I received a hefty settlement from the University for my silence. I’ve been living in the sewers ever since.”

A Serious Monster stood there, stunned.

Facetaco turned abruptly. “Now you know. Let’s go.”

They continued along the sewer until they arrived at a large grate on the wall. Facetaco ran his hands along the side, coming to rest on a small rock. With a modicum of effort he slid the rock out from the wall, revealing a keypad. He punched in an unseen code, and with a loud rattle, the grate slid open. They walked a short distance to what looked like a solid wall. Facetaco pushed on the center, revealing a seam, and parted them, stepping through. A Serious Monster followed, amazed.

“These curtains feel weird.” She remarked, passing through them.

“They’re made of roast beef. Another one of The Narrator’s crazy hybrids.”

A Serious Monster wasn’t sure why, but she suddenly felt very dirty.

“Well, here we are.” Facetaco stated matter-of-factly as they exited the curtained hallway into an extraordinarily large cavern.

A Serious Monster looked around. The first thing she noticed was how brightly lit everything was. Her eyes, having been used to the dark of the sewers, took a moment to adjust. Her first impression was that of a giant technological warehouse. Stacks of computers and other machines lay in neat rows along the floor with wires snaking between them, up the walls, and into the rest of the sewer system. The air was full of beeping, humming, whirring, and the faint acrid smell of burning metal. There were several other figures busying themselves about the machines. They stopped when they saw Facetaco and A Serious Monster enter.

“Come on over, everyone,” Facetaco bellowed. “We have a guest.”

Three of the figures approached the pair.

Facetaco turned to A Serious Monster “As you no doubt have guessed, I was not The Narrator’s first attempt at a hybrid. I learned of the others’ existence when I was banished to the sewers. Let me introduce you to some of them.”

The first, a small robot, came forward.

“This was The Narrator ‘s first attempt at any sort of hybrid. In this case, a robot and a lawyer. May I present to you, R2D2, Esq.”

The robot shook in place. “Beep Boop torte reform.”

Facetaco shook his head, sadly. “Unfortunately, his grasp of English is limited, to say the least. He is, however, a whiz at interfacing with machines. He was the one that first organized the survivors via craigslist.” He turned to the next member and continued. “This was The Narrator’s attempt to make a plastic human.”

A tall woman stepped forward, dressed in jackboots and a kilt. A Serious Monster was taken aback. There was no question that she was attractively built, one would even say good-looking. And yet, A Serious Monster couldn’t help but think she looked somewhat like a man.

Facetaco held out his hand. “A Serious Monster, meet Polythene Pam. Polythene Pam, A Serious Monster.”

They shook. A Serious Monster couldn’t help but notice how cold her hands were.

Facetaco turned to the third member and continued. “Finally, we have quite possibly the most diabolical hybrid attempt by The Narrator. I honestly have no idea where he gets his ideas like this one. It’s just so horrifying. Anyway, please let me introduce the attempted hybrid of a girl and…” Facetaco shuddered, took a deep breath, and continued. “A girl…. and… a philosopher.”

An adorable little girl came forward. “Nice to meet you. I’m Girl Philosopher. Do you want some candy? Heidegger!”

A Serious Monster retched in her mouth.

Facetaco turned to her, grimly. “Now you see why we have to stop the Narrator. To stop abominations like this from ever happening again.”

A Serious Monster nodded, solemnly.

“I’m in.”

**************************************

Briadru4 was jostled awake by the bumping of the floor. She stretched her hand out and felt the wall behind her. It was cold and metallic, like metal. She listened and could hear a dull hum in the background followed by the occasional loud thump. She was also dimly aware of the sensation of moving. “Briadru4? Are you there?” She called out. She heard a stirring a few feet to her left followed by an audible groan. Briadru4 crawled over to the sound.

“Thisismynightmare. It’s me, Briadru4. Are you ok?”

Thisismynightmare slowly sat up.

“Where am I?” She asked.

“I’m not sure. I think in a van of some kind.”

“What happened?”

“I wish I knew. We were watching 16 and Pregnant and then the doorbell rang. The next thing I remember is waking up in this van.”

Outside the humming slowed to a stop, and changed to a dull crunching sound.

“We must be turning onto gravel,” Briadru4 deduced. “That means we’re probably close to wherever they’re taking us.”

“Where are they taking us? And who’s they?”

“I wish I knew.”

The van pulled to a stop. They heard the front door slam and feet crunching on the gravel, approaching them.

Briadru4 turned to Thisismynightmare, hurriedly. “Listen. I need you to do this with me. When whoever it is comes to open the door, I want you to kick it as hard as you can with me. Can you do that?”

Thisismynightmare nodded.

The footsteps got closer and closer until they reached the back door, where they stopped. There was a loud CLANK as the hatch was released.

“NOW!” Braidru4 screamed as she and Thisismynightmare kicked with all of their strength.