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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 14

This was the second time in the last two hours that Briadru4 and Thisismynightmare found themselves being forcibly taken to a destination that they had not intended to go to. In this instance they were being dragged along the ground in a large rope net; a considerable step down from the relatively luxurious rape van. Briadru4 began to take stock of the situation. They were most definitely trapped. Even if their captors stopped to take a rest they would still have the several hundred pound rope net to contend with, not to mention the fact that those aforementioned captors seemed remarkably comfortable with pulling two squirming women along the forest floor, even despite their handicap of having no opposable thumbs. Resigning herself to dealing with their situation when they reached their destination, she tried to wiggle herself into a comfortable wedge.

“Is there any more turkey jerkey?” She asked Thisismynightmare.
“Sorry. I ate all of it. I think there’s some fruit leather. Look behind my left shoe.”
Briadru4 began to search behind her foot, finally pulling out a plastic-wrapped treat.
“I hope it’s not poisoned,” she said unwrapping it and putting it in her mouth.
“Eh. Probably not,” Thisismynightmare shrugged as best she could given their situation.
“You seem remarkably sanguine about this whole situation,” Briadru4 observed.
“I dunno. I figure, how much worse could it get, anyway? Also, it might be the exhaustion talking, but don’t you think that panther and bulldog are kinda cute?”
“I suppose. If you’re into that sort of thing,” Briadru4 responded.
“You know me. I’m into every sort of thing.”
Finally they came to a stop. Briadru4 and Thisismynightmare looked up. In front of them stood a large wooden cabin. Fozzy the Chair bent over and peered at them.
“Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey. We’re here.”
They slowly rose to their feet as Fozzy removed the netting. As they stood up, Dusky Panther addressed them.
“Now, I just want y’all to know that we ain’t gonna tie your hands or nothin’. You are a guest in our home, and you deserve some hospitality. Now she…” He continued, indicating the cabin with his head. “She don’t take kindly to people who reject her hospitality. Now, sure. You can run. We ain’t even gonna stop you. But just so’s you know, there ain’t nothin’ ‘round here for miles ‘cept for rocks and trees. And when we catch you — and rest assured, we will catch you — she will be mighty displeased. She is inclined to show her displeasure in all manner of cringe-inducing ways. And I’m not talking having to sit through your best friend’s standup bringer show hearing people make jokes about small dogs and why women go to the bathroom in groups cringe-inducing. I’m talking Human Centipede: First Sequence cringe-inducing.”
“Listen, man. Thanks again for that.” Fozzy the Chair interjected.
“Don’t mention it. You were great. It was those others. Yikes.”
“Did you like my joke about werewolves and Coors Light?”
“Didn’t you hear me laugh? I thought it was great.”
“I think you were the only one.”
“It’s a thinker. That audience was not full of thinkers.”
“What was the joke?” Thisismynightmare asked.
“Oh, uh…” Fozzy the Chair began to shuffle his feet, awkwardly. “It was nothing.”
“C’mon. I want to hear it.”
“It’s really stupid.”
“Ok, Fine…” He cleared his throat. “So, basically, I have this bit about being a werewolf, then at the end I say, ‘And the worst part is that I can’t drink Coors’ Light anymore.’”
Thisismynightmare laughed. “Haha! That’s great!”
Briadru4 turned to her. “I don’t get it.”
“You know, because it’s the silver bullet.” Thisismynightmare explained.
“Ohhhh. I get it. That is funny. And a thinker.”
“Yeah. I think I need to tweak it a little,” Fozzy shrugged.
Dusky Panther raised his hand. “So, are we just gonna stand here all day or are we going in?”
“Oh, right.” Fozzy the Chair stood up straight. “Let’s get on in there. And remember what Dusky Panther said about hospitality and cringing and whatnot.”
With that they stepped inside. They were immediately greeted by a blast of scents. A mixture of old wood, leather, gasoline, and iron filings that made Thisismynightmare and Briadru4’s eyes sting. Once they got used to the somewhat dim lighting they were able to make out the rest of the cabin. As far as they could tell, it was made up of only one room, decorated surprisingly homey. A fireplace crackled against one wall, the mantle covered with small glass animals. Dotted throughout the rest of the cabin were various needlepoints. Briadru4 looked closely at some of them. They were all sayings: “’The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.’ –Lao Tzu” “’I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.’ –Frederich Nietzsche” “’I think the Holocaust didn’t really happen.’ –Bil Keane.”
“Odd…” she thought to herself. Scanning the rest of the room she finally saw what the other two must have been referring to as the matriarch. Sitting in a rocking chair was something. It was really hard to tell what it was. Some sort of roller coaster? A giant metal tinker toy? Modern sculpture? Whatever it was, it raised one “arm” and spoke.
“Greetings to y’all. I am Mountains Beyond Mountains. And you have been trespassing in my woods.”
A Serious Monster trudged through the network of sewers, lead by Facetaco, Polythene Pam, Girl Philosopher, and a beeping device that Facetaco held out in front of him.
“Boy, this sure is fun! Like a regular adventure! Derrida!”
A Serious Monster had to brace herself against the wall to keep from vomiting.
“Please,” she choked out. “I’m having enough trouble with the smells as it is.”
“Sorry. I didn’t know you’d be so sensitive.” Girl Philosopher pouted.
“Yeah. Past the touchy on the left hand side.” Polythene Pam added.
“That’s enough!” Facetaco barked. “We have to concentrate. Besides,” He continued. “She’s clearly being irritable Durham.”
They continued on in silence. Suddenly, the beeping device began to beep with more frequency. It was all, “Beep… beep… beep beep beepbeepbeepbeepbeep.” You guys know what I’m talking about.
“We’re here.” Facetaco held up his hand.
Looking up, they saw a manhole overhead. Polythene Pam scrambled up the ladder until she reached the cover. Morphing her arm into a thin wedge she began to pry the cover off. After a few seconds of effort they heard a metallic clank and pop followed by her voice.
“We’re in!” She called down.
The rest of the crew followed her through the manhole onto the street. Across from them stood The Narrator’s house, fusion reactor and all.
“I can’t believe we’re finally here.” Girl Philosopher whistled, breathlessly.
“Finally he will pay for his crimes against nature.” Facetaco seethed.
“So what’s the plan?” A Serious Monster asked.
“Plan? Oh… uh…” Facetaco stumbled.
“You do have a plan, right?” She asked.
“Of course I do. Of course. Let me see here.”
He began to rifle through his bag. “Plan, plan, plan. Where are you? Ah, yes.”
He produced a piece of paper. On the top was written “Plan For Defeating The Narrator.”
“Ok. Let’s see here. Step 1: Find The Narrator. Ok. Check. Step 2: Defeat Narrator. Hmmmm….” He trailed off.
“That’s it? That’s your plan?”
“Yeah… It seemed more complete in the initial stages…”
“I can’t believe you guys. You know what? Here’s my plan.”
A Serious Monster reached into her jacket pocket for her flask of Jameson, downed it in a single gulp, and began to stride forward towards The Narrator’s residence.
“What are you doing?” Facetaco called after her in a loud whisper.
“Grabbing the world by the balls!” She yelled back to him. “I got tiger blood in my veins!”
She walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell.


  1. There's that sweet, sweet holocaust denial.

  2. This series is making ASM my personal hero. And it's good to see MtnsBeyondMtns making an appearance!

    Also, did someone dare you to see how many times you could fit the word "wedge" into this episode? Asking for a friend.

  3. That is a surprsingly accurate description of my actual home.

  4. That is a surprsingly accurate description of how I treat my hostages.

  5. Mtns--will you do those needlepoints for me? Or at least send me a pattern. Because then I would so be WINNING.

  6. Sorry, I do all of my needlepoints freehand.

  7. principal enchmanMarch 2, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    I like the part when [insert Charlie Sheen joke].

  8. I am so glad the silver bullet joke made GOOL.