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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Things I Submitted To McSweeney's That Were Ultimately Rejected

On rare occasion, fozzy the chair submits writing of a silly nature to McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He has only had one thing published there so far. These are the things that have been rejected.

Of Course I Know All 1,892 of My Facebook Friends
by fozzy the chair

Are you kidding, Brad? Of course I know all 1,892 of my Facebook friends. They’re my friends, why would I accept their friend requests if I didn’t know them?

That’s Donald. We went to high school together. He was in my homeroom, kind of a shady dude. I’m pretty sure he stole my sister’s iPod from a party I had over spring break one year, but I might be wrong.

Blake. She’s my best friend from college’s friend from home. She met us in New York once and we all got wasted in some Indian restaurant, and then we lost her in the Upper East Side for a while. Actually, I think I went home before we found her. But look at her pictures, she obviously turned out OK. Thank you, Facebook.

Miley Cyrus. Well, not actually Miley Cyrus, just some guy named Paul who was pretending to be her on Facebook for a while. But I thought it was her. He’s a nice guy, though. He does pottery.

What do you mean, I “don’t need to be friends with any of these people,” Brad? What if Donald comes clean about the iPod, or I need to know some Miley Cyrus trivia? Paul really knows his stuff.

OK, this one is obviously a spambot. But what if someone I know is like, “Do you know a good adult dating website?” I can just send them to Candi here. Boom. I’m helping people. Thanks again, Facebook.

That’s some guy’s dog, Barkles. Cute, right? Wait, look at this one… Yes, Brad, I need to look at pictures of a dog! I’m only human, for Christ’s sake! What is wrong with you?

Yes, Lior is my friend. I don’t care that he’s from Germany! What if I visit that country? No I haven’t met him in real life, but so what? He’s not a weirdo! What do you think? Do you think he’s a Nazi? Not all Germans are Nazis, Brad!

Alright, that picture’s a little weird. Ew, is that him in the mask? No, you know what, I see what you're trying to do. The bottom line is that if I’m ever in Germany, I have an in with Lior. Facebook did that for me. You want me to go to a hostel or something, Brad? I am too old for hostels.

OK. He… he is… I know this. Oh! He’s my friend from childhood’s next-door neighbor! Nailed it! Well what if I go to my childhood friend’s house and need to get in, but she’s not there? I can go knock on his door and ask if he has the key.

I don’t know why I would ever need to go to her house! But what if I do?! And what if she’s not there?! I can always go see her next-door neighbor that I am friends with on Facebook! Facebook fixed it for me! Facebook did all this for me, Brad! Why do you hate Facebook so much?!

Wait a minute. I get it. You’re jealous of how popular I am. That is rich, Mr. I-Only-Have-561-Facebook-Friends Brad. Oh, I just can’t wait to send Paul a message about this. He will just eat this up.

McSweeney's response:
Hi, fozzy -

I'm afraid we're a little Facebooked out at the moment. It’s a popular subject in our inbox. This one is cleverer than many, but it still doesn’t win me over completely. Thanks for taking a shot with us, nonetheless.



  1. Actual Facebook highlight of today: "tuesday an payday make for one hell of a combination! tonights gonna be extrafun at tha bees with fun at heart karaoke!!1 wish paul an michelle well..happy bday rinn an rook!!! hope certain people make it to tha bees..time to make last call fb an get some other stuff done....have an awesome day fb!!"

    "Tha bees" is Applebees.

    He then liked his own status.

  2. You Facebook one-upped me. Thanks Kel.

  3. RejectedJeffdunhamPuppetFebruary 15, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    I was mad at Paul when I found out she wasn't Miley, then I realized that's what Hannah Montana would have done.