#badsuperpowers

Able to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. - Fozzy

Faster than a speeding toddler. - Fozzy

Total disregard for personal boundaries. - Fozzy

Able to spit corn tamales on command. - Fozzy

Can perform uncanny impersonation of the Jersey Shore's Vinny. - Fozzy

Supersonic handwriting. - Fozzy

Never disappoints his parents. - HateTheDrake

Able to deliver touching and intimate eulogies at every pet funeral he attends. - Fozzy

Can generally name that tune within seven or eight notes. - KelBurrows

The ability to leap tall buildings in a single but incredibly slow and time consuming bound - GirlPhilosopher

Through the power of telepathy, can accurately order dinner for a date. - Fozzy

Can communicate with eagles. (Eagles think he's kind of a dick, though.) - Fozzy

X-ray farts. - Fozzy

Ability to instantly recognize Martin Lawrence - Ian


No, I didn't say I COULD fly, I said I AM fly - Teacherman

Able to score a 90% or higher on any GED test. - Fozzy

Decently patient when it comes to waiting for Christmas to get here already! - KelBurrows

Can leap tall dogs in a single bound - Teacherman

I may not be rich or brave or have a manservant, but I do like to wear tights and hang out with a boy named Robin - Teacherman

...also, the Robin kid is a manservant of sorts... - Teacherman

Watching Splice all the way through - DisMyNightmare

Kitten whisperer - BabyFriday

Can identify brand of mayonnaise by touch. - beatpunk

Unlimited supply of Free Apps coupons to Applebee's - DisMyNightmare

Visiability - JawnoftheDead

Just "gets" Steely Dan on a deeper level than you. - KelBurrows

Papercuts heal within two days. - DisMyNightmare

Intergalactic power ring that can open beer bottles in a single pull. - DirtySpaceNews

Drink a milkshake once a week and not gain a pound! - DisMyNightmare

Can walk under water - Teacherman

Be able to digest hair - LilBobbyTables

Can scream "Help!" in all of the languages of the world. - BabyFriday

Completely vulnerable. - Fozzy

Actually coined the phrase "say it don't spray it". - KelBurrows

Can distinguish the color differences of coral and persimmon. - DisMyNightmare

Can walk under ladders - Robic_EC

Can slow time via lecture on Nathaniel Hawthorne - Teacherman

Able to operate almost any kind of forklift. - Fozzy

Total recall of everyone's Garbage Pail Kid name. - Folinsbeek

Has the full catalog of Simon & Garfunkel committed to memory - LilBobbyTables

Can spin massive webs (of lies) - Teacherman

Able to successfully welch on all debts. - Fozzy

Can lie to your mother without getting caught. - TruthQuarks

Can harness the awesome power of the gnat - LilBobbyTables

Can predict fruit fly phenotypes three generations in advance. - Godsauce

Able to predict current weather conditions - Teacherman

Knows all the words to "Are You Jimmy Ray?" - DisMyNightmare

Can walk on water, provided it is sufficiently frozen - LilBobbyTables

Mild mannered teacher by day. Drunk asshole by Friday night. - Teacherman

can turn a regular lightbulb into a 3 way bulb. - JawnoftheDead

Doesn't confuse David Keith and Keith David. - FrankLloydWrong

Able to jump really high when on the moon. - Godsauce

Able to climb a tall building in a single elevator - Teacherman

Can speak to donkeys, but only in their language. - DirtySpaceNews

Always spells last names correctly. - Godsauce

Has a striking resemblance to Stephen Baldwin - DisMyNightmare

Knows exactly when to use an indoor voice. - Fozzy

Able to read Paradise Lost in one sitting. - LilBobbyTables

Can turn invisible when asleep. - Godsauce

Can fart wallpaper paste - FrankLloydWrong

Had an invisible plane, but lost it - LilBobbyTables

Able to silence car alarms via remote control keyfob. - Godsauce

Can hear the word rectum, without saying "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em." - FrankLloydWrong

Has the identity of Mystery Butt revealed during the "waiting" portion of Toilet Dump. - BabyFriday

Can always identify the one who farted. - Godsauce

Able to stave off lunch until 3:00 1:00 - Teacherman

Can identify any garden hose by taste. - FrankLloydWrong

Can drink several cups of coffee, only needs to pee once - Mounty

Shoots lima beans from eyes (and even then they just kind of trickle out) - DirtySpaceNews

Able to not split infinitives - Teacherman

Can identify own house on Google Earth when only about 95% zoomed in. - Fozzy

Knows who The Arcade Fire are - FrankLloydWrong

Can "coach" a golf team with a minimal amount of actual instruction - Teacherman

Can turn inedible objects into Starbursts, but only the lemon kind. - FrankLloydWrong

The world's Best Robert Plant impersonator. - DirtySpaceNews

Can change own body odor to the scent of any variety of cheese. - Godsauce

Always makes it through yellow lights. - Mounty

Can hypnotize penguins to dance in sync to "Heartbeat" by Don Johnson. - FrankLloydWrong

Always able to "get it." - DirtySpaceNews

Super foot massage-receiving abilities. - Fozzy

Able to identify own killer, after the fact. - Fozzy

Can usually discern fastest route to any Wal-Mart within a ten-mile radius. - Mounty

Telepathically commands a flock of sea gulls. - Mounty

Telepathically commands A Flock of Seagulls. - Mounty

Can communicate telepathically with jockey shorts. - Mans

The inability to know when a good twitter meme has run its course and to just let it fade out - FrankLloydWrong

Can breath in mashed potatoes. - Mans

Can hear air scream. - Mans

Pees hyper-intelligent armadillos. - Mans

Feels the pain of everyone, then feels nothing. - Godsauce

Get can get hired for any retail job despite being an ex-con. - Fozzy

Can leap one hour into the future, though it takes two hours to do so. - Mans

Knows Pi to 23 numbers after the decimal. - DirtySpaceNews

Can only see things that are square. - Mans

Can see the future, but only for like half a second while sneezing. - Fozzy

Every sexual contact results in pregnancy. - Godsauce

Can deconstruct a sandwich to its original ingredients in under a minute. (Excluding PB&J.) - Fozzy

Can only speak in forms of poetry - LilBobbyTables

Knows, but cannot remember, the identity of The Residents. - Mans

X-Ray vision only works on people over the age of 65. - CakeorDeath