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Thursday, February 17, 2011


Able to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. - Fozzy

Faster than a speeding toddler. - Fozzy

Total disregard for personal boundaries. - Fozzy

Able to spit corn tamales on command. - Fozzy

Can perform uncanny impersonation of the Jersey Shore's Vinny. - Fozzy

Supersonic handwriting. - Fozzy

Never disappoints his parents. - HateTheDrake

Able to deliver touching and intimate eulogies at every pet funeral he attends. - Fozzy

Can generally name that tune within seven or eight notes. - KelBurrows

The ability to leap tall buildings in a single but incredibly slow and time consuming bound - GirlPhilosopher

Through the power of telepathy, can accurately order dinner for a date. - Fozzy

Can communicate with eagles. (Eagles think he's kind of a dick, though.) - Fozzy

X-ray farts. - Fozzy

Ability to instantly recognize Martin Lawrence - Ian

No, I didn't say I COULD fly, I said I AM fly - Teacherman

Able to score a 90% or higher on any GED test. - Fozzy

Decently patient when it comes to waiting for Christmas to get here already! - KelBurrows

Can leap tall dogs in a single bound - Teacherman

I may not be rich or brave or have a manservant, but I do like to wear tights and hang out with a boy named Robin - Teacherman

...also, the Robin kid is a manservant of sorts... - Teacherman

Watching Splice all the way through - DisMyNightmare

Kitten whisperer - BabyFriday

Can identify brand of mayonnaise by touch. - beatpunk

Unlimited supply of Free Apps coupons to Applebee's - DisMyNightmare

Visiability - JawnoftheDead

Just "gets" Steely Dan on a deeper level than you. - KelBurrows

Papercuts heal within two days. - DisMyNightmare

Intergalactic power ring that can open beer bottles in a single pull. - DirtySpaceNews

Drink a milkshake once a week and not gain a pound! - DisMyNightmare

Can walk under water - Teacherman

Be able to digest hair - LilBobbyTables

Can scream "Help!" in all of the languages of the world. - BabyFriday

Completely vulnerable. - Fozzy

Actually coined the phrase "say it don't spray it". - KelBurrows

Can distinguish the color differences of coral and persimmon. - DisMyNightmare

Can walk under ladders - Robic_EC

Can slow time via lecture on Nathaniel Hawthorne - Teacherman

Able to operate almost any kind of forklift. - Fozzy

Total recall of everyone's Garbage Pail Kid name. - Folinsbeek

Has the full catalog of Simon & Garfunkel committed to memory - LilBobbyTables

Can spin massive webs (of lies) - Teacherman

Able to successfully welch on all debts. - Fozzy

Can lie to your mother without getting caught. - TruthQuarks

Can harness the awesome power of the gnat - LilBobbyTables

Can predict fruit fly phenotypes three generations in advance. - Godsauce

Able to predict current weather conditions - Teacherman

Knows all the words to "Are You Jimmy Ray?" - DisMyNightmare

Can walk on water, provided it is sufficiently frozen - LilBobbyTables

Mild mannered teacher by day. Drunk asshole by Friday night. - Teacherman

can turn a regular lightbulb into a 3 way bulb. - JawnoftheDead

Doesn't confuse David Keith and Keith David. - FrankLloydWrong

Able to jump really high when on the moon. - Godsauce

Able to climb a tall building in a single elevator - Teacherman

Can speak to donkeys, but only in their language. - DirtySpaceNews

Always spells last names correctly. - Godsauce

Has a striking resemblance to Stephen Baldwin - DisMyNightmare

Knows exactly when to use an indoor voice. - Fozzy

Able to read Paradise Lost in one sitting. - LilBobbyTables

Can turn invisible when asleep. - Godsauce

Can fart wallpaper paste - FrankLloydWrong

Had an invisible plane, but lost it - LilBobbyTables

Able to silence car alarms via remote control keyfob. - Godsauce

Can hear the word rectum, without saying "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em." - FrankLloydWrong

Has the identity of Mystery Butt revealed during the "waiting" portion of Toilet Dump. - BabyFriday

Can always identify the one who farted. - Godsauce

Able to stave off lunch until 3:00 1:00 - Teacherman

Can identify any garden hose by taste. - FrankLloydWrong

Can drink several cups of coffee, only needs to pee once - Mounty

Shoots lima beans from eyes (and even then they just kind of trickle out) - DirtySpaceNews

Able to not split infinitives - Teacherman

Can identify own house on Google Earth when only about 95% zoomed in. - Fozzy

Knows who The Arcade Fire are - FrankLloydWrong

Can "coach" a golf team with a minimal amount of actual instruction - Teacherman

Can turn inedible objects into Starbursts, but only the lemon kind. - FrankLloydWrong

The world's Best Robert Plant impersonator. - DirtySpaceNews

Can change own body odor to the scent of any variety of cheese. - Godsauce

Always makes it through yellow lights. - Mounty

Can hypnotize penguins to dance in sync to "Heartbeat" by Don Johnson. - FrankLloydWrong

Always able to "get it." - DirtySpaceNews

Super foot massage-receiving abilities. - Fozzy

Able to identify own killer, after the fact. - Fozzy

Can usually discern fastest route to any Wal-Mart within a ten-mile radius. - Mounty

Telepathically commands a flock of sea gulls. - Mounty

Telepathically commands A Flock of Seagulls. - Mounty

Can communicate telepathically with jockey shorts. - Mans

The inability to know when a good twitter meme has run its course and to just let it fade out - FrankLloydWrong

Can breath in mashed potatoes. - Mans

Can hear air scream. - Mans

Pees hyper-intelligent armadillos. - Mans

Feels the pain of everyone, then feels nothing. - Godsauce

Get can get hired for any retail job despite being an ex-con. - Fozzy

Can leap one hour into the future, though it takes two hours to do so. - Mans

Knows Pi to 23 numbers after the decimal. - DirtySpaceNews

Can only see things that are square. - Mans

Can see the future, but only for like half a second while sneezing. - Fozzy

Every sexual contact results in pregnancy. - Godsauce

Can deconstruct a sandwich to its original ingredients in under a minute. (Excluding PB&J.) - Fozzy

Can only speak in forms of poetry - LilBobbyTables

Knows, but cannot remember, the identity of The Residents. - Mans

X-Ray vision only works on people over the age of 65. - CakeorDeath


  1. This one was hard to capture because it was being played by (!!!) lots of Non-Monsters. Apologies if any good jokes got left behind. I was very excited that Fozzy started a game that was so good that even LBT could not resist its charms. Great job, everyone.

  2. Wow, I'm sorry I missed out on this one. here's one-

    Can turn hands into hand-sized storage boxes.

  3. I like this game, but I kept wanting to come up with extremely convoluted powers like, "Is able to read the mind of a person he is in love with to find out if that person is also in love with him, but if the person is in love with him then that person dies, and if not, that person knows about the mind reading and things become awkward."

  4. Big ups to Kel for curating these things. Also big ups for the math equations she creates.

  5. How did I get shut out of this again? HURTFUL.

  6. Holy Shit, GP! I am so sorry! I have fixed the error. So, did I last as your favorite Monster for even 24 hours?? Crap crap crap derp derp derp.

  7. Always, TK, always. *cue Celine Dion*