I Call Bullshit!: C3PO

Welcome, everyone, to a new column I like to call "I Call Bullshit!" For the inaugural post, I will be calling bullshit on everyone's least favorite droid, C3PO.



"But Lawblog," you may ask, "Doesn't C3PO get enough shit from Star Wars fans? Isn't he widely regarded as a useless and annoying albatross? Doesn't he even annoy this girl? Isn't Boba Fett awesome?" The answer to all of these questions is yes, however, in regards to the last question, if you're going to Comic Con, try to find a more creative costume. I am specifically calling bullshit on the one thing that C3PO is supposedly useful for, namely his position as a protocol droid.

A protocol droid's functions are to serve as a translator, from sentient beings to computers and from one sentient being to another. Let us address the function of translation from sentient being to computer first. Where should I begin with that one? How about with the fact that he doesn't do that? At all? In fact, it seems as though his only job in this regard is to yell at R2D2 to do things more quickly, such as shutting down all the trash compactors on the detention level, or jerry-rigging the blast doors at the alliance base on Endor. In fact, if it weren't for R2D2's ability to interface with those computers, the rebel alliance would have been royally fucked.

In regards to translation from sentient being to sentient being, C3PO is immensely proud of his talents, and is not averse to bragging.



He is, "Fluent in over six million forms of communication." According to the dictionary, "fluent" is described as "able to speak or write smoothly, easily, or readily." Witness the following exchange from Return of the Jedi:




Does that sound like someone who is "fluent" in Huttese? No. It sounds like I did in Rome after skimming through Level 1 of Rosetta Stone: Italian. That is, to say, far from fucking fluent! "But Lawblog," you say, "It's just because of his accent. He actually speaks very well." First of all, stop interrupting. Second of all, when people with heavy accents try to communicate, it becomes very difficult to understand, leading to situations in which two cappuccinos are ordered, but a mortadella panini is received instead. Delicious, but wrong. Since a protocol droid is in charge of making communication easier, one would think that it would be designed to facilitate aforementioned communication by eliminating his accent. He is, after all, a robot whose ONLY PURPOSE IS TO FACILITATE COMMUNICATION. In this scene, also from Jedi, C3PO recounts the previous films in Ewokese:



He seems slightly more comfortable with the language, however he still has a strong accent. He is also able to MAKE SOUND EFFECTS. So let me get this straight: He is able to make accurate reproductions of a space battle, but can't do any accents whatsoever? What, was he programmed by a five-year-old?




Oh...


Ok, then, here's another thing. Let's say that a five-year-old had the necessary midicholrians (ugh), general knowledge, and wherewithal to build and program a sentient robot. Sure, why not? Why would he choose to build a protocol droid? Literally the most boring robot imaginable. 100% of all other five-year-olds would build something awesome, like a battle mech, or even a cleaning bot. Even that would have been useful, seeing as he was A SLAVE at the time.

In conclusion, Eechuta, C3PO. Eechuta.