The Problem With Door Hats

So, Baby Friday and I recently went to go see The Adjustment Bureau and guess what? IT WAS PRETTY GOOD! LIKE, IT WASN’T THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, OR EVEN THE BEST MOVIE I’VE SEEN IN THE PAST MONTH (TRUE GRIT) BUT IT WAS A TOTALLY SERVICEABLE WAY TO SPEND A COUPLE OF HOURS!!! You guys should go see it. Or don’t. Who do I look like, your dad?

Still, while we enjoyed the movie, there was one aspect that both BF and I took issue with (spoiler alert: Emily Blunt is a babe and Matt Damon is a brutal zombie robot). That aspect is door hats. The movie centers around Emily Blunt and Matt Damon (babe and brutal zombie robot, respectively) who are on the run from the adjustment bureau, basically a band of destiny bureaucrats whose job it is to make sure things go according to PLAN

Only problem is, Emily Blunt and Matt Damon (gorgeous and gorgeous, respectively) aren’t about the bureau’s “plan,” man. So they run. But the bureau has a secret weapon. Door hats.

When worn properly, the owner of said door hat can open any door and find themselves somewhere awesome instead of the inside of some stupid building. The rules of door hat are these:

• You must be wearing your door hat in order for door hat magic to happen.
• While entrances into ordinary places (bathrooms, residences, offices) may lead to exits into extraordinary places (Yankee stadium, Narnia, Canada), the same is not true vice versa
• Door hat magic only works within the five boroughs.

Even with these straightforward, normal rules, problems would seem to arise. “How does one get their door hat?” Baby Friday asked, leaving the theater. “Did Roger Sterling have to stop by H.R.? ‘Okay, so, welcome aboard. Here is the information on your health and dental plans and your contract which you will need to sign. Let’s see, anything else? Oh, hahaha, of course! You’ll need your door hat.”

Other problems too would seem to exist. For one thing, door hats are made of hat, and hats, by nature, blow off.

There is, in fact, a pivotal scene in the movie in which Roger Sterling is chasing Jason Bourne and loses his door hat and is all, “Dammit! Fucking door hat!” Um, update your protocol? Look, I love hats as much as anyone, but maybe quit with the fashion statement? Door tie, perhaps! Door key cards. Door tattoos (Baby Friday’s suggestion). Come to think of it, anything but hats.

Other than that, great flick.