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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Taking One for the TV: Teen Mom 2 S01E09

Just like all of you, I love great TV shows like Lost, Mad Men, Community, etc., but I also love some really bad shit. In this column, I am going to recap some of the best of the worst. I watch bad TV so you don't have to!

Last week, Jenelle got busted smoking pot, so her boyfriend Kieffer got kicked out of her house by her baby-voiced nightmare mother, Barbara. Jenelle and Kieffer are boo-hooing because they have never been apart since they started fucking two weeks ago or whenever it was. Kieffer is going to move on to bigger and better things, bumming off his cousin. BYE KIEFFER! Can't wait to find out you are sexting another girl.

Jenelle pretends to be happy that she can spend more time with her son Jace even though Kieffer is not mooching off her constantly anymore. She is claiming to focus on work, school, Jace and mending the relationship with mom, but we all know this is all for show and ain't going to last more than five seconds. Girl is a fuck up and she always will be. FACE THE FACTS, JENELLE. You are doomed to a life of meth. It's only a matter of time. We can read you like the National Enquirer.

Jenelle gets a chance to babysit Jace while Barbara is at work. Apparently, mom has banned Jenelle from leaving the house with Jace, but Jenelle runs to the store and brings Jace along. Mom comes home and finds the car seat in Jenelle's car and confronts her, and tells her not to do it again or she's calling the police. Things like this make me wonder if there is more to the story than we are being told (DUH!) or if mom is really just the most irrational person to walk the planet.

Jenelle storms out of the house and runs away like she always does. She pays Kieffer a visit:

He wants to go see his family in New Jersey, so Jenelle suggests that they just up and leave and go to the Garden State. Of course, all the things that she said were so important to her go out the window (school, work, mom, and HER BABY). She also suggests that they use her mom's credit card for food and gas. This seems like a well thought out plan if I have ever heard one. I see where this is going, but obviously, Jenelle doesn't.

Jenelle's mom catches her trying to sneak out the house and flips the fuck out. Jenelle tells Barbara that she is going to a concert and she has money and will be paying for all her expenses (foreshadowing!!!!). Barbara says, "You're up to no good again!" I can't wait to see where this goes...

Kailyn meets with her baby daddy/ex-boyfriend Jo in a parking lot. I mean can any of you think of a better place to have serious discussion with the father of your child? I know I can't! Anyway, Kailyn comes clean to Jo that she is dating a co-worker, Jordan.

Jo tells her that she needs to get the fuck out his house, or he will have to cut a bitch. He even throws in that she is "whore" and things get pretty ugly.

Kailyn decides to ask her mom if she can stay with her since she can't stay at Jo's house anymore. Mom agrees. Kailyn is nervous though because she has had a rocky relationship with her in the past. Mom lays down the ground rules: no talking on the phone forevs, no clicking sound when texting, clean up after herself and the baby. Fair enough?

Kailyn has all her shit over at Jo's, but Jo tells her she can't have it until she pays him $600 that she owes him. Kailyn's mom busts up into that house and demands that she gets the things. Janet, Jo's mom tries to cock block. Jo refuses to give up Kailyn's stuff, and mom calls the cops. They are no help though, but now there is talk of drawing up a custody agreement. Shit just got real!

Leah goes to look at wedding dresses at David's Bridal (or some place similar) and her mother starts crying because that's what moms do. Then, Debbie Downer BFF chimes in that it seems like only yesterday that Corey and Leah were arguing and now they are getting married. UMMMM, WTF BFF?! I think someone is jealous. Leah finds a dress that she really loves, but even with the 30% discount it is like $1000. Her mother is apprehensive and agrees to buy the dress even though it's going to cost her 3 months worth of Slim Fast , boxed wine, bus fare, a Curves membership, prepaid cell phone minutes, and daily $1 scratch-offs.

Little baby Ali gets new glasses, because in addition to her health issues, poor baby can't see. Leah and Corey go to the doctor's office to get the results of Ali's MRI. Good news, no abnormalities on the MRI, but the doctor recommends that she needs to see a geneticist to see if she has any syndromes. They decide they need to get a second opinion on the MRI too. The appointment is set two days before the wedding. UH OH! Ali's developmental progress is slightly improving. She is finally able to roll over. Y'all, I don't really have anything snarky to say here. This storyline is just depressing, so let's move on to Chelsea.

Chelsea is pissed, y'all! Her baby daddy/boyfriend Adam is totes being a complete loser. He doesn't have a job, he is not pulling his weight financially and he is not keeping tabs on baby Aubree. He's your typical dead beat dad. Chelsea needs to do some lady chattin', but her BFF (and former roommate who was run off by Adam) is not returning her calls. Never fear, Tiffany is here! Tiffany is Chelsea's friend who also has a little tiny baby, who keeps trying to make out with Aubree.

In case you weren't aware, teenage mothers run in packs, and they are currently developing a plan to take over our major outer-lying towns. Anyway, enough politics. Tiffany invites Chelsea to go to a fair. Chelsea thinks this is the perfect opportunity to get things back on track with Adam.

At the fair, first clue that Adam is a douche, he calls Aubree "the turd." Yikes! You're the worst, Adam. Next, Adam makes Chelsea buy his $5 admission ticket. Third, as soon as they walk into the fair he talks about how he just saw a girl that he hooked up with. Then, he refuses to hold Chelsea's hand. Now Chelsea is worried that her relationship is on the rocks.

When the unhappy little family returns home from the fair, there is a little bit of tension. Adam is supposed to put Aubree to bed, but instead lays her on the floor with a bottle while he watches to TV. This annoys Chelsea, so she picks up the baby, and Adam drops the bomb: "Fucking bitch." WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Relax, TechnoAdam!

Another night, Adam stays out late when he was supposed to be home. Chelsea is finally fed up. It's about time, girlfriend! He tells her that he has cheated on her five times and that everyone cheats. Yep, Adam, that's the way things are in ALL relationships. UGH! Then thank you, Jesus, they break up!

Here's the whole episode that I know you are dying to watch:

Oh, you don't? Ok, didn't think so.


  1. I didn't understand why Jo not giving Kailyn's stuff back wasn't some sort of crime. The police did not seem very helpful except for telling Jo he never has to give the kid back if they don't have a custody agreement, so good job, policeman!

  2. Yeah, I am pretty sure the policemen did not do their job properly. I am pretty sure what Jo was doing is illegal, but what do I know?!

  3. "I cheated on you at least 5 times. What? That's not a lot."
    Well, every "character" on this show makes me angry, but that piece of shit is a real piece of shit.