This site does not represent the views of

Bear with us while we get this organized. This site does not represent the views of Send submissions to Send tips to if they are not posted there, wait a while & send them to Take care, Stay Awesome.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Monster Movie Club: TMNT: The Movie

When my imaginary, illegitimate children ask me what children entertainment I was into as a kid -in the green room at Maury-  I will answer TMNT, The Simpsons and Tim Burton's Batman. I watched the TMNT cartoon religiously, owned all they toys (thanks Mexican bootlegs) and I can't remember how many hours I spent playing the arcade games. This, as they say, was my shit. Another thing: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TEENage MUTant NinJA TURTLES, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! Heroes in a half SHELL!! ..sorry about that. This was my first time watching this movie since it came out in theaters 20 years ago and I gotta say it holds up pretty well. The direction is amazing, the muppets are superb and the heroes are likable. If there is on this DVD lacks is behind the scenes extras. I was looking forward to some behind the turtle puppetry, which I know I've seen somewhere.  But enough about me, let's talk movie:

Sure, there are numerous plot holes and McGuffins, but this is, after all, a kid movie & kids movies are about morality tales and radical happenings. I could go on and on about  the genius rat, the ooze, where the turtles get money for pizza, the reason why a master ninja traveled from 16th century Japan to modern day New York, etc. but for this I will try to focus on the morals.

Sure, smoking, skateboarding, video games and bubble gum might seem cool, but you should not leave your family for them. Especially if it means you have to hang out in a creepy old man's warehouse.

I don't care what Sam Rockwell is doing.
If Sam Rockwell was mining helium-3 in the moon, would YOU mine helium-3 in the moon?
Seriously, if you somehow form a 30 man gang in order to commit burglary, don't come crying to me if a guy with interesting toughs about women who hangs out on rooftops with binoculars gives you a much deserved beat down.

What's with this broadzilla not liking unsolicited back rubs?
Hi, kids. 
In fact, the best you deserve is to fall down a rooftop and into a garbage truck.

And if somehow that binoculars guy happens to press a handle on the garbage compactor, remember: YOU BROUGHT this on yourself.

Told you, you dick. 
I'm not sure what Casey Jones' role purpose is, other than doing the turtles' dirty work. He doesn't really belong in the story & he doesn't know much about Shredder when he kills him. He seems to be just an asshole the turtles trust because he's good at fighting. I thought maybe he served his purpose as April's love interest, but this is a kid's movie; April doesn't need a love interest. If you want further blogging about Casey Jones, be sure to download, Superglue's column.

April's story act actually makes sense-well, except for the Casey thing- as a kid story. She is actively trying to do good in a non-crazy vigilante way. She gets fired and goes into hiding because the bad guys are after her, but in the end she wins and gets rewarded for not abandoning the good fight. Okay not bad.
I won! (Do not google April O'neil, just don't)
The one aspect I think this movie missed was the outsider factor of the turtles. I know splinter teaches them fire Zen or something, but most of the movie is about feeling like your family doesn't understand you and acting out. Oh well, I'm sure they addressed that In TMNTII: The Secret of Turtle Zazen.
The path of the enlightened one leaves no track- it is like the path of rats in the sewer.

Anyways, reminisce with me and tell me your favorite turtle stuff in the comments and such.

Oh look, I found some buzzy, YouTube thing about the movie: 


  1. I alas did not watch this last night, and I do not think I have seen this movie since it came out, but I remember I loved it. I know I saw it in the theater, and that my mother was significantly less impressed by the experience than I was, but she still bought me a raphael action figure that evening.

    Oh man, I am having TMNT flashbacks now.

  2. I didn't rewatch and I'm glad I didn't, because judging from the screens it did not age well. Although I would be totally psyched to catch that S-Rock cameo.

    And am I the only one that thinks April looks EXACTLY like Brittany from Glee in that screen? Scary!

    Lastly, very psyched about Bigger, Stronger, Faster being next week's pick.

  3. My high school religion teacher (Catholic school) was one of the stunt doubles for the turtles in that movie. I know this because we spent more of that religion class watching this movie than we did not watching it. He was especially proud of one of the fight scenes with Shredder on a rooftop. Needless to say, we all did very well in religion that year.

  4. Ninja Turtles were the first thing I remember obsessively drawing in 3rd-5th grade. I would even make up MORE Ninja Turtles with this simple formula-

    Pick a color not already used on a bandana (purple, blue, orange and red are off limits)

    Pick a ninja weapon not already used by the TMNT

    Pick a classical painter's name (the more Renaissance-y, the better)

    The only one I still remember was a Ninja Turtle named Rembrandt. His bandanas were black. I believe he used a pair of kamas (sickles).

    I know I had a yellow-bandana'd turtle, and a lime green one as well, but I don't remember their names.

    I also owned all the toys. Basically all of them. The sewer hideout. The pizza-shooting machine. The Turtle Van. All that shit.

  5. anybody that missed the screening way missed out. make sure you catch the next one

  6. I am ashamed and humiliated that I missed this screening. I stand by my assertion that Casey Jones is a dolt, asshole, molester and stone-cold manslaughterer, but I wish I could've watched it again with all of you.