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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Tommy Wiseau to Audition for the New York Jets

From Tommy Wiseau to Audition for the New York Jets

NEW YORK ( - If the New York Jets don't win their big game on Sunday, fan pressure might force them to start looking for a new quarterback. But they might already have one.

On Saturday Tommy Wiseau, writer, director, producer and star of the cult film The Room announced his plans to audition for the Jets in 2011-2012.

Wiseau was reached for comment, and explained his desire to play in the NFL. "Oh hi, Xave. When we shot The Room, I'd never projectiled a football before. They don't have footballs in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, where I'm born." Wiseau went on to explain that the throwing motion felt "ultraly natural" and he knew "in a lightning" that he had an instinctive gift for the game.

"It feels the same way it did when I start making movies - like something I was born to do. I just have pure natural gift. But with football I think it's even morer." Wiseau's preferred position? "The sports guy that throws to the other sports guys. Nickelback, I think. Like the orchestra."

Greg Sestero, Tommy's co-star in The Room, says that he encouraged his friend to follow his dream. "Tommy is my best friend," Sestero commented, "and if he wants to play in the NFL, he should go for it."

Wiseau tried to use his Hollywood contacts to look for a team willing to try him out. At first he didn't find much success, since, according to him, people in the NFL don't know who he is. "I don't think sports guys watch high art," Wiseau lamented, "is really a matter of exposure. If they saw The Room, they give me an audition* in a lightning."

But if there's one thing we know about Tommy, it's that he's persistent. Wiseau found a low-level employee in the Jets administration who attends monthly screenings of The Room at the Village East Cinema in New York, having discovered the film about a year prior. Wiseau used this connection to get contacts progressively higher up in the organization until he got himself a try-out.
Tommy Wiseau could be the next quarterback of the New York Jets
*(As a side-note, when informed that sports teams don't use the term "audition", Wiseau was unconcerned, saying he plans to bring a "Hollywood slant" to the NFL, including red carpet team introductions and installing make-up rooms adjacent to locker rooms. Additionally, he intends to wear the same uniform he did in his film (a tuxedo), custom-made to fit equipment underneath.)

Wiseau likes his chances, but NFL scout Brian the Astronaut isn't so sure. "I've been studying the tapes [he's referring to The Room, presumably], and I just don't like his motion," says Mr. The Astronaut. "I mean, the footage pretty clearly shows he's got a lot of positive attributes: presence in the pocket, a Brett Favre-type cannon, and most importantly he's a leader of men. Really, you can't build a better quarterback. But he's got a hitch in his delivery, and I think it could mean shoulder surgery several years down the road. I'd be hesitant to sign this guy for that reason."

Upon hearing Mr. The Astronaut's comments, Wiseau called a press conference. He opened by addressing the scout directly: "You're tearing me apart, Brian," he casually remarked. But Wiseau is undeterred. "I will nevertheless continue with my dream to be a nickelback. I will be the best. Number one! Anyway, how is your sex life?"

I write a satirical baseball blog called Bottom of the Fourth. Check it out if you liked this!

1 comment:

  1. Great work; well maybe you're right Tommy can play. He is a great director so he may direct any play. "How is your sex life?"

    Drew, fan of "The Room"

    PS Tommy is the best director on the world!