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Friday, March 18, 2011

I'd Hit That: Viral Video Countdown

We all love viral videos, so at the suggestion of one Mr. Christopher Trash I am doing a Top Five countdown of the viral video stars I would most like to have sexual relations with. Now, you may be surprised to learn that it is really hard to find a decent list of dudes I am attracted to who have released a viral video. Needless to say, this was quite challenging, but I think I have succeeded in making a good list. I regret to inform you that Double Rainbow guy, Antoine Dodson and Salsa Dog did not make the cut. These guys did make the list though:

5.) "You Are Tearing Me Apart (Lisa)" Dudes

Shellbomber posted this really funny song as Spring Jam on Videogum on Wednesday, and these guys found a place in my heart. Why would I sex them up? Well, they have two of my favorite things, some musical talent and a sense of humor. Sure, we would probably end up watching Adult Swim and eating cheese puffs on their smelly couch after our romp, but at least I would be laughing!

4.) Adrien Brody

This is one of the best viral vids of all time starring a very handsome actor. He's won an Oscar, so yeah, I'd Hit That. I would request that the Oscar be within my line of site while banging. Let me just say that this video has increased his attractiveness ten-fold. Is that weird? Hmmm, I think that may be weird.

3.) Chet Haze

I feel all of you judging me right now, but let me make my case. This kid is dumb as rocks, but he comes from the motherfucking Hanks family, which means he has some looks. He just needs the right pair of boobs to set him straight, and make him realize he shouldn't be a rapper. Time to go into the family business, Chester! You know Tom and Rita want this too. He could be our generation's Marky Mark/Mark Wahlberg. Also, I imagine if I was having sa-secks with Chester Hanks, that I would have an in with Tom. Tom seems like the coolest guy, and I would love to sit down and chat with him about That Thing You Do and wars and shit. Then, I could move on to the older and wiser Hanks bro, Colin.

2.) Old Spice Guy

I don't think I even have to say anything here.

1.) Dave Franco

SO. FUCKING. DREAMY. Dave Franco is little brother of dreamboat, James Franco. I guess that makes Dave a dream tug boat? Anywho, I would like to have Dave every which way. Unlike, Chet, I wouldn't feel the need to move on to the big bro. Dave had me at the dimples. MY GOD THE DIMPLES!

I hope you are as satisfied with my selections as I am. Next week, Dave Grohl!


  1. Just what Chet Hanks needs: another person using him. I am disappoint.

  2. my number 1 viral video sex partner would be the guy in the jean jacket from this video

  3. "My life is Twilight." - The Narrator (poor guy)