People Who May Have Been Flirting with Me: The Roads Not Taken

Having recently come to the end of stunted, disappointing romantic relationship, I find myself drifting back and lingering on “what might have been.” Specifically, reviewing all the times people flirted with me, but I didn't realize it until many moons later, because I am oblivious and suspicious of the motives of everyone who talks to me. Literally months later I would think about these interactions and think, “Wait, what?” I'm pretty slow about everything. I am also this way with feeling angry. I get mad about stuff like years after it happens. I am just now feeling outraged about the cancellation of "Firefly." We should really get a petition going.


Dan
I think this guy's name was Dan. I feel like every guy I knew in college was named Dan. One time I did not remember someone from a party and he called me on it, but I correctly guessed that his name was Dan. Who didn't remember who now, other Dan who this anecdote is not even about?

This Dan was maybe trying to hook up with a girl in the dorm room next to mine. I don't really remember. But our friendship was borne of him constantly passing by my door. He used to make fun of how ridiculous my then-boyfriend was (2 tru, Dan. 2 tru), who was a proto-foodie and obsessed with Bob Dylan and an exercise bulimic and had recently lost a lot of weight after looking exactly like Rosie O'Donnell.


Dan would always stop by my table in the dining hall to chat for a second or two and make fun of my guy, and admittedly I would sometimes join in because I actually kind of hated my boyfriend. But I always came away from those conversations thinking Why is Dan such a dick about this? Our conversations never progressed because I would shut him down because he was being mean to me.

Unnamed Librarian
This guy looked like a serial killer. Neatly parted hair, tucked in polo shirt, offered to show me around town when I applied for a library card. I said thanks, but no thanks since I was worried he might give me a tour of the deserted wooded area where no one can hear you scream. He seemed nice though.


Guy from my math class
This is another guy from college. I was pretty awful to him. I was waiting to pay for a sandwich when he asked me what I thought of the test. I didn't know what he was talking about and told him so. He was insistent and said some kind of class name I didn't recognize. At this point, I get angry that I am being disturbed while trying to purchase a sandwich. A sandwich I wanted to eat in peace after failing a test in a class I almost never attended, did not know the nickname for, or recognize any students from, not that I said any of that to him. The exchange ends with his shouting, “I was just trying to be NICE. GOD.”

Epilogue: He sat across the aisle from me during the final and winked at me.


High School Dan
“Remember when I was in love with you during all of high school?”- Him, 5 years after high school. I did not remember that. What I do remember was how we both were halfway to having eating disorders and how we'd often discuss which brands of gum had the fewest calories so we could chew them during lunch instead of eating. Was that supposed to be an opener like, “Now we can finally get together?” or just an aside? I don't remember a ton from that part of my life on account of how I would get dizzy and black out in the bathroom, so I hope he didn't take it to heart.

My brother's friend everyone always said was cute
I never saw it. Although recently I was watching a movie and thought, “Hey this actor looks just like that guy.” AND “This actor is very hot.” I think it was just impossible for me to see him as anything other than my brother's childhood friend, which explains why I was so bitchy to him any time he tried to talk to me. Just anytime he made polite conversation with me I would shut him down, like a 7 year old might to their older brother's friend who they suspect is teasing them. Except I would do this as a teenager and an adult. He now lives with his parents but owns his own business.


Trader Joe's cashiers
Are all of the cashiers at Trader Joe's hitting on me? I feel like I should just ask all of them out for a drink.

In conclusion, I'm sorry if I shut down your advances like a defensive idiot, but please know that I will mull them over in my mind for years after the fact.