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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Hater’s Guide to Football’s Offseason

This is an addendum piece to my last piece about March Madness that I wrote before I wrote the piece about March Madness so maybe the piece on March Madness is an addendum piece to this piece. Peace.

Football is over. No longer can you spend your weekends watching giant men kill each other slowly with blows to the head. Seriously, if you like football you are a disgusting monster! Perhaps that is why it is such a wildly popular in this country; we are ALL disgusting monsters. I miss football. Yeah, that’s right, The Hater pines for something. I long for football because it is the fan community that most embraces irrational hating. Football fans, especially college fans, are allowed to loathe the very fiber of rivals’ and completely random teams’ being for no reason at all and it is acceptable.  How great is that? I can say something like “Fuck the Florida Gators, I hope every one of their players contracts Hepatitis and the campus burns to the ground” and most people wouldn't bat an eyelash (for real though, fuck you, GAY-tors). It’s simply great; never does a true hater feel happier than when they are laying on the couch with a beer resting on their gut and screaming at the TV because the Dallas Cowboys are a bunch of over-paid pussies.

Alas, the human body can only endure so much football at once so there is an offseason. If it is just any sport you crave, here is a run down of some of the other things you can yell at when they're on the teevee.

NHL: WHITE GUYS! For real though, this is your best bet if you miss the bloodlust aspect of football. In certain cities people even go just as bananas as the hardestcore football fans, if not more. Problem is, most people just ain’t give a care about hockey so unless you live in one of a few cities, it just isn’t the same. Also, anyone notice how it is kind of cool to like hockey now? Ever since the NHL had that lockout, lost its TV contracts, and is now completely impossible to find, people seem more into it. Apparently the NHL is the speakeasy of sports. You know how those all of a sudden became cool again like 3 years ago? “Hey guys, I know this great bar! It is over top a dry cleaners in an alley on a shady (read: gentrified) block and you have to rasp you cell number on the door in Morse code so they can text you when your table is ready. I know it sounds weird but they have the BEST martinis! All heirloom ingredients!” That is what the NHL is except when you get there all they serve is Molson.

The NHL regular season is winding down; the playoffs start mid-April. Watch it if you’re cool enough to know where.

NBA: My NBA fandom ebbs greatly from year to year. I thought I was gonna be all into it this year because that one guy decided at a Boys & Girls Club to play for that other team but I haven’t been. Thing is, I don’t have a favorite team. That is the problem with the NBA; it is so star driven that no one gives a shit about teams. It’s Kobe and The Lakers or Dirk and The Mavs or the Big Three in Miami. The NBA should really consider cutting 80% of the guys in the league and invoking NBA Jam rules from now on. This also cuts down on the level of passion most people have for the game. There isn’t a big, faceless entity to throw your jingoist allegiances behind, just LeBron James. I mean, LeBron James is good at hoopin’ but I’m not tryin’a fight a dude b/c he says Derrick Rose is better. The other lame thing about the NBA is NO ONE puts forth any effort until the playoffs, then when the playoffs do roll around the game is so bogged down with defense (gasp) that it is nigh unwatchable. Seriously, David Stern, get on the NBA Jam rules changes!

The NBA is currently in mid-season.

College Basketball: Exists for one purpose: Letting bros fill out brackets. My picks are a LOCK! Nope, they sure aren’t.

The NCAA tournament, “March Madness,” starts in March. No duh, bro! FYI, it is March.

Baseball: Baseball starts soonish, I think? I don’t know I LOATHE baseball. Everyone makes a big deal about Spring Training (Spring Training is the month or so before the season actually starts where all the teams move to a Sun Belt state, wear slightly different uniforms, and play in leagues named for plants) and I just don’t get that. Is anyone THAT excited for baseball they just CANT’T wait for practices and scrimmages? C’mon, 162 regular season games aren’t enough, guy? Take a hike! The only thing more boring than actually watching baseball is listening to wanna be intellectuals talking about baseball. ‘The STATS!” Go to hell, that’s where baseball should be played. This is the one sport that rival’s football’s popularity but HOW can you give a shit? It is just sooo slow and boring. I suppose if you’re from Boston you might give a shit but then, well, never mind.

MLB opening day is March 31

NASCAR: People say that NASCAR is for poor, uneducated Southerners. That is simply not true; NASCAR is a sport for poor people from all regions of the country who like to make fun of poor, uneducated Southerners. I have actually been to two NASCAR races, believe it or not, and it is super fun! You just walk around getting hammered and laughing at poor, uneducated Southerners all day. Highly recommended for you haters out there looking to expand your hating horizons.

NASCAR started a couple weeks ago probably.

MLS: Do you guys even know what that is? I won’t start then, this might turn into The Hater’s Guide to Me.

MLS first Kick is March 15. That is today! (Seattle Scum v LA Galaxy David Beckham, 9:30 pm ESPN)

Tennis: Ladies is short skirts! Sweaty fellas is tank tops! Grunting!

Tennis is like every weekend.

Golf: I’m not 100% sure the PGA even has an off-season but I know that Tiger Woods starts to play in more tournaments around this time of year so there is that.

I’m almost certain golf is on every day of the year

I hope this helps some of you haters fill your free time until football starts again. And if you just hate sports all together, I hope I’ve helped you hate them a little more. If you’ve got comments or suggestions, leave them in the, uhhh, comments or get at me on twitter @_wwwest or email me at


  1. MLS: too sad to even bother hating since 1996.

  2. I'm realizing now that you're more of a football guy than a basketball guy because, duh, SEC.