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Saturday, April 2, 2011

MLIT: Vampire Wikileaks

9 APRIL 2011: I AM NOT JULIAN ASSANGE, AS MUCH IS NOW CLEAR. SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT SENT MOBFD A CEASE AND DESIST LETTER AND I AM COMPLYING. JEEZ YOU GUYS, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK NICELY. -ZL
Yesterday a bunch of images leaked from the set of Breaking Dawn, the alternately loathsome and boring finale to the Twilight Saga. The story, to hear fans tell it, is how SEXY SEXXED UP the images are. And indeed, if Robert Pattinson's and Kristen Stewart's thrusting backs turn you on, you are IN LUCK. SPOILER ALERT:
These images come from the first, infamous sex scene, in which Edward destroys an entire bedroom set and nearly demolishes Bella's vagina (and not in a good way). CHECK OUT K. STEW'S SEX FACE:
Admit it, you have been wondering what that looks like. Okay, I have, at least. And what about R PATTZ?
AYAYAYAY WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN. Hey Bella is that an ugly ring on your finger or are you bruised-from-rough-sex to see me?
Harry Potter fans are freaking out about possible deviations from the text for Deathy Hallows 2, right? Twi-hards don't have that problem. Most of them have never read the books, and the ones that did just skimmed it so they don't even remember. But I have really gone over these books with a fine-fanged fucking comb, and I don't remember any of this kinky choking stuff.
Did Pattinson and Stewart forget the cameras were rolling? Hey, do you think there will be penetration rumors about these scenes? Factory Girl was I think the last time I heard one of those. We're due, I think. SPEAKING OF DUE (DATES), how is that for a segue, the birth scene looks like it will actually be kind of gory!
You might have heard about this crazy motherfucker of a scene, in its literary incarnation, right here in this blog, in a post by Dafs and another one by yours truly. What's ironic is that in the Twilight books, the sexual tension of the first three installments is actually channeled into that gory mess, since the actual sex on the night of the honeymoon is omitted. Like the MPAA, S. Meyer prefers bloody violence to consensual sex. But apparently in the film we'll get both! Uh, unless the MPAA has anything to say about it, actually.
Look at the happy new daddy! Of course, when this happens Bella is torn open and bleeding out on a table, so maybe Edward should stop making goo-goo eyes at the baby and get some fucking gauze, huh?
People are calibrating their excitement for this film based on this leak: either it's "Now I'm definitely going to see it!" or "Oh no, that's not how I pictured it!" Let me just say: Um, this is exactly what I expected. The Twilight films are bland and unimaginative (the color palate has become more and more boring since the first film, which was actually kind of scrappy and nifty all around), and the producers have this weird ethos where they think putting wigs on everyone is better than actually, you know, doing something to their hair, and they think it's better to just build half a set on a sound stage in Canada instead of like, going OUTSIDE, and they spend millions of dollars developing new technology to make the vampires look really fast only to put the sequence in SLOW MOTION. I'm not saying these guys are dumb, but they apparently got jacked by Perez Hilton, so there you are.

9 comments:

  1. Aren't most fans of this series CHILDREN?

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  2. This film will usher them into womanhood.

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  3. ugh... these photos. But no matter how cringe-worthy these pics are, I will probably end up seeing this movie..... in theaters.

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  4. Me too. Even the one that comes out in November 2012. #MLIT

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  5. i am very exited :) i actually read the books and loved them, the first movie sucked i was very disapointed and its true in breaking dawn the book the sex parts arent really sex parts, you know it happened but thats all, the pics look awesome, and i would love it if people just forgot about the popularity which seems to be the reason so many people dislike it and actually grab the book and check it out instead of critiquing cause of the lame movies, its actually a very nice story for kids and adults alike

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  6. Anon, uh, are you kidding me? But also, I HAVE read the books, I have read them with extreme precision... http://zacharylittle.blogspot.com

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  7. I think Anon just has a Twilight google alert, because I have come to expect more cogent comments from actual monsters.

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  8. I think Anon is actually Gabe and he's a secret Twi-hard.

    Also, duh, I will get my tickets a month in advance.

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