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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Insomniac with The Narrator: Spartacus

The Narrator again on the brink of another sleepless night, so I pull up the instant Netflix to watch a show my dad recommended to me. I was skeptical to say the least.

I mean my dad thinks Two and a Half Men is funny. So his pull to suggest anything I want to watch is horribly limited. Regardless, I start up Spartacus: Blood and Sand and watch the first season (Full disclosure: this took me a three nights to watch completely).

#SeriousGum: This post has been rated TV-MA for graphic violence, strong sexual content, and coarse language

Also, "Spartacus is a historical portrayal of ancient Roman society that contains graphic violence and adult content viewer discretion is advised".

Minor spoiler alert!

Have you ever thought, “You know what TV programs are missing? Sex and violence.” Well your search for quality naughty television is at an end. Spartacus is programming that could easily be taken for porn if it wasn’t for all the pesky story lines.

Well my dad was right, well not the best plot, Spartacus has enough sex and violence to keep me entertained. Generally all the episodes go something like this: Talking, sex, battle, battle, sex, talking about battle, battle with sex in background, sex with battle in the background, sex, battle, talking.

The first episode opens with this man chained in an arena cell, while gladiators battle it out. He looks really sad/confused probably because he is about to get the some old fashioned corporal punishment.


Our boy is back in the Thracian army some douche bag enemy army is coming so they agree to work with the Roman army to defend against them.
But the only thing on this unnamed Thracian soldier’s mind is his all too tasty wife.

His army and roman army don’t really get along from the get go (Surprise!). The Romans decide that they should completely ignore the enemy army going right for our hero’s village. So everyone’s favorite unnamed protagonist decides to kill a few roman soldiers and go AWOL. He gets back just in time to save his wife (convenient) but like the oldest story in the books, Romans show up capture him and sell his wife into slavery (bummer).

So mister “I’m too cool for a name” is sent out for execution at the gladiator arena having to face four gladiators at the same time. His desire to get his wife back compels him to kill all of them and so he finally given the name Spartacus and is sold to the local lanista (a gladiator training facility). That’s as far as I’m going to take the main story line but you see where this shit is going.

Some notable characters are Doctore, Varro and Xena: Warrior Princess.

The Doctore works for the master as the head slave gladiator trainer. I’ve seen this guy before but I don’t know from where?

He carries a whip! Who does this guy think he is Indiana Jones? Well, He is pretty much a badass.

Varro is a dumb gambling addict that takes fashion advice from Steve Sanders. He’s got some gambling debts, so like a genius he volunteers to be a gladiator/slave for two years to pay back his debts. The best decision ever!

Xena: Warrior Princess

Xena: Warrior Princess is the wife to the master of the house Batiatus and likes to have sex with her slaves. What is the point of living with a bunch of hunky dudes if you are not banging a few of them?

Spartacus isn’t for everyone. The plot itself is ok. Some pretty sneaky stuff happens but the show is really carried by all the sex and violence. I’m pretty sure that your mom would not approve. If you are going to watch it, I suggest getting at least to the end of the second episode before you quit. The first it seems like they were still figuring some shit out.

I have to commend Spartacus as much as they show sex they do include some peen. A few full frontal shots. Let’s be honest lady parts are shown all the time but hardly do you see peen.

I wish I was exaggerated before in my plot synopsis about how much sex there is in Spartacus. I’m not, it is littered throughout the show. Look at this O face.

So I’m going to close the door now on all the sex stuff and focus on the second strength of the show. Violence! Spartacus is kind of like a cheaper version of 300. The first few episodes it is really overdone, which kind of turned me off the show at first. Cutting a man’s head off with one swipe is cool enough. I don’t need the stylized slow motion blood splashing out. They tone it down a lot and the show really gains some stock.

These gladiators get a 10 for style. It is clear that they spend much more time thinking about looking cool as the slice people apart then not getting sliced apart themselves. Case and point, stopping in middle of a battle to say how you are going to rape women (not cool), dropping your sword to battle someone bare handed to prove how awesome you are (lame) and jumping off the wall to do a reverse back-flip decapitation (ok… kinda cool).

Here is the official trailer for the first season.

Some sad news, the actor that plays Spartacus, Andy Whitfield, was diagnosed with cancer. They halted production on second season instead did a 6 episode prequel series titled Spartacus: Gods of the Arena. After Whitfield was cancer free they started preproduction on the second season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Unfortunately Whitfield’s cancer reoccurred and they had to be recast the part.

Well if I couldn’t start sleeping before watching Spartacus: Blood and Sand after a few episodes of this testosterone injecting series I won’t be falling asleep now.


  1. I hereby nominate TIMN screaming "PEEN!" as the official censor bar of the world.

  2. Rejected Jeff Dunham PuppetMarch 29, 2011 at 6:54 PM


  3. i like the girl sayin i can feel zeus between my thighs