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Friday, April 1, 2011

MTT: Axis of Ewwwwwvil

Oh shit. America time. Hometown heroes. Colonies bringing it this week, SON!

In this episode of MTT we honor a true patriot. A monster that stood for justice and freedom when the world needed it most. A brave beacon of hope that carried liberty and strenght to all nations that requested. Of course, I am talking about my penis (APRIL FOOLS YOU GUYS!!! Also, that is the first of many dick jokes headed your way so strap on). The actual subject of tonight's episode is none other than Super_glue. We all know that SG is many things; knitter commenter, eagle. What you may not have learned, however, is that SG was also a prominent figure of the second of Earth's super wars. So, open up your old history book to the 18 pages on WWII, grab some real dank hydro, and use that chapter for rolling paper because Papes is going to drop some REAL knowledge on you. Lets do this.


Remember these dicks?


Well for along time in Europe and Asia these dicks were just fucking shit right up without any real consequences. Killing people, invading nations, having varying degrees of mustache as if nothing could stop them. The world cried out for help while America, seemingly, sat on its hands. In the eyes of all other nations America was nothing but a fat crybaby pacifist. What the world didn't know however was that the ol' US of A was working on a secret project that would stop this tomfoolery once and for all. Sure, in the future, guns would be fired and bombs would be dropped and people would die but for now the CIA had a different idea. Recently government scientists had met with a time traveler* who showed them through an episode of Community** that the only way to deal with a bully is shaming them in a quasi-sexual manner. Dubbed Project Schmitty, the CIA had developed a creature that was not only capable of getting in and out of enemy headquarters without detection but would also leave a devastating blow to both the psyche and the foreheads of enemy leaders.
*me *Episode 01-22 The Art of Discourse
Without costing one human life, the world's first A.T.A.E. (Armored Testicled Attack Eagle) was unleashed on the Axis powers.

Hitler was the first double barrel blow that America sent

HA HA HA HA you dumb fucker. Look at those brusies, nobody respects the teabagged. The Third Reich was outraged. Hitler demanded the head of SG, to no avail.
Stalin followed shortly

Benito was so embarrassed by his brutal bagging.
That he went through a series of different hats, all of them horrible, to cover up his bruises.

What a tool. Right? Right. The Axis began to fall apart slowly but surely. Not one of these dictators could hold any respect from their people with the stains and blemishes of America's mighty sack shining on their foreheads. Glue was a hero, the war was being one, peace was coming. Despite the efforts of this mighty creature, War it would seem, was inevitable. The Emperor Japan had ordered an attack on Pearl Harbor. We were caught off guard. Soldiers died, and with in an instant America was at war. Fighting commenced and decisions were made to drop nuclear bombs on the nation of Japan. Super_Glue was to retire and Project Schmitty was to be terminated. At secret meeting held in the Oval Office in the wee hours of August 5th, President Roosevelt agreed to grant this balled eagle a final tearful request: that she got to drop her bombs before they dropped theirs.

Super_Glue currently works for the United States postal service sealing all your envelopes with her metal ballsack because THAT is how we treat heroes in this country.


So what did we learn?

1) Not a whole lot of people enjoy getting tea-bagged so cool it, Scott.
2) That Google translator is awesome.
3) These shouldn't take so long to do.


Want to be next? Let me know. I'm going to treat this thing like a British sitcom.
I love you,

-papes.

4 comments:

  1. This was brilliant, and of course, I want to be next. A-DUH!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd personally like to see what you'd do with facetaco.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is everything I imagined AND MORE!!!!! What you have neglected to mention my current mission, though, which is TEABAGGIN' THE TALIBAN.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A canonizing of love, is never rolex replica that you gave me the watch and necklace, not even those candied letters replica watches uk and photos. Adulation is the a lot of adored souvenir, you replica watches break with me, like a river to the terrain, and those acquired by the change.

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